May The Words of My Mouth

It's been awhile (at least in my opinion) since I have posted anything that really had any meaning. Sure the random happenings of my life are important to some (namely God... Sometimes I wonder if anyone else is out there reading this), but lately I have felt that most of my posts have been really superficial and sort of pointless. In response to these feelings of pointlessness, I thought I would share some of the things God has been doing in my life lately.

After going to Hungary last summer and Germany again this last week (well, two weeks ago), I have been feeling this overwhelming sense of confusion on what God is calling me to do with my life. Growing up hearing the missionary speakers at Hume and at church, I never really felt "called" to the "mission field" (and the reason I put "mission field" in quotes is because I am referring to overseas, third-world missions... I know now that there are many other mission fields in need). I always thought that missions were really cool and I enjoyed going on small missions trips to Mexico and LA, but I never felt like I could live anywhere but in the complete comfort of the United States. Well, leave it to God and his timing, this is no longer the case. After getting back from Kandern, I am finding myself being pulled closer and closer to Europe.

Now the hard part of all this is feeling as though I am stuck. I feel stuck in this normal routine of my life. I am stuck in my job, I am stuck at my school, I am stuck at youth group. That makes it sound like I hate my life and I don't. I am very happy with everything God is doing for me and through me. I say that I am stuck at my work because I love my kids (yes I love them, even though they are annoying at times and a bunch of spoiled brats, I really do love them. If their parents won't love them then who else will?). I say that I am stuck at school because I can't see an end in sight. I am way happy to have switched to Math because I think I can do a lot more with a BA in Math then I can with anything else, but I have always hated school and I feel like it's never ending! Now saying that I am stuck at youth group is probably a WAY bad thing to say so let me rephrase it for you, Ryan. I have made these really strong connections with a few girls at youth group. I love these girls and I don't want to abandon them. Working with youth is a huge passion of mine and gift that God has given me but there are so many kids and I am only one person.

Are you getting a sense of my confusion. I am writing it and it doesn't make sense to me. I have, however, been finding some clarity by getting back into the routine of regular quite times and journaling before I go to bed. I am also finding clarity in little moments like watching a NOOMA at youth group or singing a song all EMO. Last week we watched 008 Dust in the NOOMA series. I have seen it a couple times before, but it never ceases to amaze me how God can show you something different every time! In this particular NOOMA, Rob Bell talks about what it means to be like Jesus. He talks about how significant it was/is that He calls us to "Come and Follow" Him. The bottom line of it was He choose us not the other way around. He choose me and He continues to choose me! He called us to follow Him, because He believes that we really can be like Him. There was a saying back in Jesus' time that referred to someone following their Rabbi. They said "May you be covered in the Dust of your Rabbi." How powerful is that? To be following your Rabbi so close that the you are covered from head to toe with the mudd and dirt from His feet!

There is one song that has sort of been speaking to me a lot this last week. We sang May The Words of My Mouth at youth group this last week and I really had to stop and think about it. Normally, Ryan and Darren will sing the chorus all Emo and it used to bother me until this week. For those of you who don't know, Emo is short for Emotional and it is a huge trend right now among Jr High and High school students. It is sort of associated with tight pants, dark hair that sweeps across most of your face, and punk rock music that makes you want to slit your wrists (that's a little harsh. Some of the Emo music is actually sort of cool). Unfortunately "Emo" is also associated with really overly emotional people who cut and do this weird strangling until they pass out, but not die people. Anyway, back to the song, It used to bother me that Ryan and Darren would sing the chorus of this amazing song all Emo. Why would someone go and ruin a beautiful song by associating it with overly emotional people who cut themselves and cry all the time? It think this last week I finally got it though. Being Emo is about being passionate about about something and what better to be passionate about than loving and following Jesus? The lyrics are so powerful and there really is no better way to sing them than screaming them out at the top of your lungs to God. Now I am not approving or promoting being Emo, but it works for this song:

May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus
And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways
Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus

For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You

Lord, will You be my vision, Lord, will You be my guide
Be my hope, be my light and the way
And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth
Only You'll be the first of my heart

I will follow
I will follow
I will follow You

Ok, so I might have gotten a little sidetracked with the whole Emo thing, but here is my point (if it is a point at all, because this post was way confusing and doesn't follow any sort of pattern at all); I don't know what my future holds. I don't know if I should renew my contract at work for next year. I don't know if I should go to Conference this year or Hume (I want to do both but that might just be suicide... I am feeling a stronger pull to Conference for all you who are wondering, but it is something that is in my prayers). I don't know if I should try and finish school or take a year off to figure things out. I pray that the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart bless Jesus' name. I pray that the deeds of my day and the truth in my way speak volumes of Jesus. I pray that Jesus will continue to be the first in my heart. All I know is this is what I am glad to do and it's time to live a life of love that is pleasing to God. I give my all to Him and surrender everything I have to follow Him!

May we be covered in the Dust of Our Rabbi!

*Just an update on exciting things in my life (other than the amazing, crazy, and confusing things that God is doing):

• I am thinking about going to Axis on Sunday nights after I get off work. I really miss going to church and I think if I start going again, I might be able to decide whether or not to renew my contract for next year.
• I started gauging my ears this week. It is sort of fun and exciting to try something new. And for those of you who are concerned (Mom, and maybe Sarah... I don't know how you feel about it), don't worry, I am not planning on going too big. One, I can't have them at work anyway so I can't go too big. Two, if I can fit my pinkie finger in it than it is too big. Three, I do want them to go back to normal eventually so I don't want to stretch them too far. But for now it is fun! I went up to a 12 yesterday and I am going to try and move up to a 10 on Monday!