Friday, November 21, 2014

And I Teach Children...

Sometimes I wonder how I am at all qualified to work with children... Let me explain...

Last week on Wednesday I fell in love... Well... maybe not love... but it sure did feel like it... I was at the girl's volleyball game when in walks an extremely attractive tattooed man with his little boy. As it turns out that very attractive man sat in front of me and I got to watch the game while watching him and his very cute son Aiden as well. As he sat there in front of me I did the necessary ring check to see if there was a chance and as it turns out... No Ring... I spent the rest of the game making faces with his son and playing some Peek-a-Boo stuff, but said nothing to him. While sitting next to him I found out that he was the club volleyball coach of one of my studnets. So after the game, I asked my student for the 411 on him. All the while, still never saying a word to him... I found out his name and much more about his personal life and as it turns out, he is quite a catch! When they tried to introduce me to him, I ran away and hid... No joke...

Why? What if I am not his type? He is way out of my league. There is no way that someone like that could ever like someone like me. I am no where near the shape that I should be in. And he is like, a catch! Seriously.

The other day I read a blog post by a good friend who talked about "types" and levels of attractiveness etc. In her post she described a similar situation as the one I just mentioned and asked what a 'type' is anyway? Why do we beat ourselves up so much? Her post convicted me so much when I read it, yet when this happened last week, I retreated right back into my world of self loathing and low self esteem.

I hate that I retreat into this place. And what I hate even more is that I am supposed to teach children to love themselves and be confident and to reach for their dreams. How am I qualified to work with students and tell them that they are precious to the King of Kings when I obviously stuggle daily to believe it myself?

So today I took a step. I knew this guy was going to be at the volleyball game so I put on makeup, made sure my hair was done right, wore my good boots and made it a point to at least meet him. I walked in right behind him, followed him up the stairs and then sat far away from him. The game eventually ended and I made my rounds and said hello and hugged all of my girls except for the one student that connects the two of us. I saw her talking to him and seriously considered running the other direction. But then I took a deep breath, walked over to my student and gave her a hug. She then introduced me to her coach and we chatted for a few brief moments before I walked away to hide.

Pitiful, I know. But it was a step. And even though I am currently overwhelmed with feelings of inferiority and self-doubt, I can say that I took a step. That has to be good for something right?

Dear Lord,
When feelings of inferiority, insecurity, 
and self doubt creep into my heart, 
help me to see myself the way that you do;
A daughter of the King.

Friday, November 14, 2014

High Expectations...

Are my expectations too high?  The last month or so I have really been wrestling with this question. Expectations are a funny thing. They can be a lot to live up to. And they are everywhere. Expectations you have for yourself. Expectations you have for other people. Expectaions people have of you. And what happens if you don't measure up? What happens if you can't measure up.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It started really when I started getting a TON of complaints about my PreCalculus Honors class. As it turns out, many of these students have never had to work hard in math in their entire lives and my class has been a rather rude awakening for them to say the least. Many couldn't handle the pressure and dropped the class without even trying. Some switched to a lower level and are having much more success there. Some have decided to stick it out but are struggling every step of the way. Nothing has changed in my curriculum in the last year. I am teaching the exact same material as years past. So what's different? Why is this class such a struggle for so many of them? Is it me?

And then there is this whole trying to hold kids accountable for their actions and choices. Handing out demerits for missing assignments and being the unofficial "dresscode nazi"... holding the bar constant for all of my kids. Holding them accountable when they miss school for suspensions despite resistance or lack of support from administration or even parents for that matter. Am I wrong? Should I fold? Everyone else is saying it's ok, so why shouldn't I? If their parents aren't holding them accountable, then why should I?

I have come to the conclusion that I have high expectations. And I don't think that is going to change anytime soon. I am not doing anyone any favors by letting them skate by with less then what I expect. Life does not let you skate by. Life will hand these kids much worse than I could ever give them and if I am not going to hold that bar for these kids, then who will?