We Will Not Be Shaken... Maybe...

"We Will Not Be Shaken"

For we trust in our God
And through His unfailing love
We will not be shaken,
We will not be shaken,
We will not be shaken

Though the battle rages
We will stand in the fight
Though the armies rise up against us on all sides
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken
We will not be shaken

For in the hour of our darkest day
We will not tremble, we won’t be afraid
Hope is rising like the light of dawn
Our God is for us He has overcome

All those against Him will fall
For our God is stronger
He can do all things
No higher name we can call
For Jesus is greater
We can do all things

Last week (or should I say, in my last post... that I started several months ago and am just getting around to finishing... sorry 'bout it) I mentioned that my bag was stolen out of my car while at a concert in Oakland. Well God is good and He never ceases to remind me who is in control. Thursday after my bag was stolen, I got an email from one of my vice principals asking about a phone call she received about a bag that was found in front of some guy's apartment in Oakland. This same gentleman found another bag which turned out to be stolen so he called the school because he found a planner in the bag with the school contact info and my name on it. Yes. That's right! He found my bag! I got his number and gave him a call and he returned my bag to the police station for me. So Friday after work, I took a special trip out to Oakland to pick up my bag. When I got there, I showed them my ID, the gave me my bag and that was it. By the grace of God, they only took the laptop and the iPad out of the bag. They left my two graphing calculators, all of my papers, pens, and wireless mouse. God is good. All of the time.

God Is Good... All the Time!!!

I love concerts. I love going into the city and getting dressed up and fancy to go listen and enjoy some live music. This last Friday I got to see Brandi Carlile for the 3rd time and I have to say, the concert was incredible. She never fails to impress me with her ability to perform every single show as if it were her last. She goes all out for every performance and for that I am eternally grateful. 

This last Friday, my sister and I went to Oakland to watch Brandi Carlile. We were thrilled to be seeing her and enjoyed walking around a little and enjoying downtown Oakland. We parked in a parking lot (you know the ones with the attendant who puts the ticket on your car etc. etc.) and went to enjoy some beverages and an absolutely incredible concert. When we got back to my car, however, the high we were on from the music quickly came crashing down. Someone had broken the small, vent window on the back door of my car (you know the little window on the door that doesn't roll down but is just there... that one...), pulled down the back seat and took my work bag from the back of my car. Now, I knew better. Of course I did. It's freaking Oakland! Of course my car was going to get broken into. Why would I have the bag in there in the first place. Well, since we went straight from work, I had my bag with me, but I did do everything I could to try to hide the bag. It was in the back of the car with the screen cover thing pulled over so you honestly could not see the bag at all. But whoever decided to break into my car got really lucky to find that an idiot like me left her shit in her car for them to take. This has to be a thing that they do, because at least 5 other cars in the same parking lot had been broken into as well. Same window broken, pulled down the back seat and grabbed anything that looked good. 

In that bag, they got my work laptop, my work iPad, two TI-84 graphing calculators, chargers, student's tests, and some other laptop and iPad adapters. They scored. I filed my first police report and am now waiting for insurance to figure out replacing the missing window in my car. Happy freaking birthday to me...

All in all though, I have to keep reminding myself that it could have been much MUCH worse. First of all, they only took the bag. I mean, there was other stuff in the back of the car (a couple blankets, a chair, my north face jacket, an umbrella) but they didn't take those. The glove box was unlocked and in it was my registration and a bag of coins which they didn't touch. In the center console of the car were a couple of iPhone cables, a watch, a headlamp, and... Here's the big one... a spare key to my car!!!! They could have taken my whole freaking car but they only took my bag and for that I can't help but give a big sigh of relief. 

God is good. All the time. That's another thing that I have had to continually remind myself this weekend and something that I was smacked over the head with in church this morning. Things could have been much worse and they weren't. It's only a little window in my car and while I am nervous to drive it around all week without that little window, I can still drive my car and there doesn't seem to be any rain in the forecast for the week which is definitely something to be thankful for right now. In church today, I was reminded about finding peace in the presence of God. That in His presence, He has everything that we need. Yes we need to be cautious, yes we need to try to protect ourselves and make wise choices and be good stewards of the things that He entrusts us with, but that's just the thing... They are HIS things... Those were not my things (and maybe it would have been harder to come to that realization if those actually were my belongings instead of the schools but still), those were HIS things. He entrusted them to me and He can take them away. 

Today in church we sang this song and it kinda destroyed me. It reminded me that in His presence is where I need to be. This week more than ever. It's been a crazy, stressful, anxiety ridden weekend and I know this week will just continue that, but this song gave me some peace. This song helped me remember that God is good, all of the time. And even though I am stressed and nervous about the fallout that may come from this whole situation, I can have peace knowing that God is good, all of the time and in His presence there is peace.

"Your Presence"

by Planetshakers

All of my life I've searched for You Lord
You called me to Your side
With all of my heart, I'm desperate for more
Your presence is my life
The cry of my heart
Is to be where You are

I love Your presence
I love Your presence
Father where You are is where I wanna be
Hidden in Your courts is everything I need

You are my strength, You are my shield
Surround me with Your song
All that my soul will know is Your peace
You hide me in Your love
The cry of my heart
Is to be where You are

I love Your presence
I love Your presence
Father where You are is where I wanna be
Hidden in Your courts is everything I need

I love Your presence
I love Your presence
I can hear You call, I run into Your arms
Jesus You are all, my heart is longing for

Father You are my heart's desire
Overwhelmed I will worship You
I will dance to the dance of heaven
All my heart be enthralled by You

I love Your presence
I love Your presence
Father where You are is where I wanna be
Hidden in Your courts is everything I need

I love Your presence
I love Your presence
I can hear You call, I run into Your arms
Jesus You are all, my heart is longing for

It's That Simple

Ok... So much to say and not much time to say it... So much has happened in these last few months that I can't even begin to sum it up in this one post. From leaving my old job, to finishing my Masters, to summer fun, to teaching summer school, and now starting my new job... It's been a wild ride. One in which I promise to write about soon (well... maybe... we'll see if I get to it...), but right now I wanted to share with you something that was shared with me (and the rest of the school) at our back to school Mass (that's right... I work at a Catholic school and I have already bee to three Masses in the last three weeks and will be going to another one next week... Look at me now!)

I never thought I would be working at a Catholic school, but God has made it very clear in many different ways that this is where He wants me to be. Having worked in this school now for the last 5 weeks, there are many things that I am learning and sort of loving about the Catholic faith. The traditions and prayers are beautiful and extremely meaningful. And while many things in this faith becomes routine for both students and staff, the heart behind it all is real. The purpose and desires and convictions of this faith are no different than my own and I love that.

Anyway, at this week's back to school Mass, the new Priest appointed to our school gave his Homily (from what I can tell, it's like the sermon given at church... but MUCH shorter). During his Homily, Father Arnold shared with the students and staff three things that he thinks we all (himself included) need to say more often this year. That's it. Three things we need to say more often. You ready for them.

1. I Thank you
2. I am Sorry
3. I Love You

That's it. Three things that we all need to do more in our lives. Three things that every teenager and honestly every human being needs to say more often. We have so much is our lives. We are constantly blessed by God and those around us and it's important that we demonstrate and express our gratitude. Secondly, we mess up. I mess up all the time. People around you will mess up. People will let you down. You will let other people down. We have to say we are sorry. We have to own our mistakes and grow and learn from them. And finally, tell people you love them. It really goes a long way. Expressing how you feel about others is one of the most important things we can do in our lives. It's something that I know that I don't do enough of.

So this week, here's a challenge for you. Say these three things. Hopefully you won't have to say the second one, but let's be honest, we will have to say it. Show your gratitude and say thank you. Say your sorry when you wrong someone or mess up. And most importantly, tell someone you love them.

Make it a great week!

Still Alice

Have you ever read a book that literally took your breath away? Not because it was necessarily good or brilliantly written (although I think the book I'm talking about was...). But because what you are reading is just so real and raw and honest that you just can't breath? You find yourself hyperventilating and trying desperately to catch your breath while you are fighting the tears that are coming without control? It literally rips you apart but you can't put it down?

I just finished the book Still Alice and I have to say, I found one of those books. In case you aren't familiar, the book is about a 51 year old Professor of Psychology at Harvard University who experiences lapses in her memory. She forgets words, appointments, and even doesn't remember how to get home from a run only miles from her home. She soon discovers that she has early onset Alzheimer's and the rest of the book is about her journey and struggle with this disease.

I won't give you any more details about the book, but I will tell you this... It destroyed me.

Now, you might be wondering, why the Hell would you ever put yourself through reading something like that? And to be honest... I have no effing idea. I am still sort of asking myself the same question. But I think I wanted to read it, because it's written from her perspective. It was written from the mind of someone who is losing their mind to a disease that still has no cure. A disease that rips apart families and puts so much stress and hardships on caretakers but also on the victims of the disease. A disease that I witnessed first hand in my grandmother.

I wanted to read the book, because I wanted to know how she felt. I wanted to know what she went through to try to put the pieces back together after losing her almost two years ago now.

I miss my grandma everyday. I miss her smile. I miss her kindness. I miss that everyone who walked through her front or side door was instantly welcomed as family. I miss her singing. I miss her joy. But one thing that I cling to, is that despite this disease that this book talks about and captures so vividly, is that through the disease, she was still her. She was still rooted in her faith. She trusted God even when she didn't know or understand what was happening to her. She would sing and worship without abandon even when holding a basic conversation was near impossible.

I read this book because I wanted to know what my grandma went through. I wanted to feel near to her again. I wanted to be inspired by her courage and her faith and this book helped me do that.

Who's Got the Keys?

Boy Oh Boy it's been awhile since I've posted. Sorry about it. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. Summer has come and gone and I am now in the full swing of my new job. Posting over the summer has never really been my strong suit. Summertime I just don't have a whole lot to say I guess. Or I am just busy doing stuff that I don't have time to process things in my brain and put it to paper (or a computer screen...). And then sometimes, I have a ton of stuff I want to say and I start a post but don't publish it because I don't know exactly how to say what I wanted to say. I probably have two or three posts just sitting as drafts because I can't find the words to share what it is I want to get across. I guess that's what writers block feels like. Wanting to say something and having it sitting in your head and just not being able to find the words to let it out.

Well today, I was feeling inspired and so here you go.

Inspiration comes from many different places around us. Sometimes it's a conversation with someone. Sometimes it's an article you read or a news story. And many other times, as is the case with me at least, it comes from a church sermon. Today's inspiration, however actually comes from two places. It's crazy how when God is really trying to tell you something that you need to hear, He brings it to you through many different paths. This morning I was reading an article in Relevant magazine called The End of Purity Culture. It talked about this crazy phenomenon that happened in the 90s and early 2000s in Christian culture. This idea of signing a pledge, wearing a ring, and making a commitment to stay pure until marriage. A commitment to wait patiently for the one that God created just for you, who is hopefully waiting for you too. 

Now, I'm not trying to make fun of this idea and I don't think this article was doing that either. I made that commitment myself when I was 13 or so (and I literally just realized that was 15 years ago... ouch)... But what this article does talk about is that this idea of saving yourself for marriage has caused many huge problems in the Christian community today. The problem with making this commitment is this idea we get in our heads that marriage is something that is going to happen for us. And that honestly is just not always the case. In 2013, only 26% of millennials  ages 18 to 32 were married. What happens is when we make this commitment to wait, we are stuck waiting for something that might not happen. And when it doesn't happen or we are waiting and waiting for something that feels like it may never come, we are left disappointed and discontent with what God's answer is. 

I know I have felt that way more times than I would like to admit. I have been disappointed with the direction of my life. I have felt disconnect with my love life (or really lack thereof). I have felt unwanted and unlovable. I have been waiting. And waiting. And waiting for something that honestly feels like it will never happen. I have been mad at God and have felt like He has let me down. I have been there and I know exactly what this article is talking about.

The article (which I linked above and if you have time, is an excellent read which I highly recommend... whether you are a millennial or know one... although I am going to summarize a good portion of it now...) outline three truths that this purity culture has to cling to rather than waiting in disappointment and discontentment. 

• The first is "Expectations Shouldn't Turn into Entitlement." Many of us are raised or taught or even pressured by others that marriage is the ultimate aim for adulthood. We start to think that God owes it to us to give us the person we are meant to marry. And that's just not the case. The article suggests, "In lieu of signing pledges to wait for our spouse (which implies the promise of a spouse), we should instead commit our hearts to trusting that God is good, when things go as planned and when they don't." God is good and He will give us all that we need. Whether that means marriage or not.
• The second truth is that "Only God can fulfill our Deepest Needs." One of the major problems with this purity culture is thinking that we will save ourselves for marriage, which makes marriage the ultimate goal; the ultimate fulfillment. Many people will jump into marriage or focus so much on getting married that they lose focus and never feel complete or whole, even after they get married. Jesus is the ONLY one who can fulfill us. One of my favorite quotes from his article is "The key to fulfillment is to focus on becoming the one God made us to be instead of finding the one we're supposed to marry."
• Finally, the last truth of the article is "Our Completeness Doesn't Hinge on our Marital Status." I am complete in Christ. Period. I am not broken or half of something without a husband. No individual can complete me. It is only through Christ that I am made whole. That is one major thing that this purity culture was missing. That is one major thing that I was missing. "As we begin to live a life of courage and boldness, knowing that we are whole individuals with or without a spouse, we begin to build a life worth sharing, whether that be with a spouse, or a strong community of family and friends."

Like I said before, it's nuts how when God has something to tell you, He doesn't just whisper it (or at least He doesn't for me...)... He screams it at me through multiple venues. After reading this article (well... when I was halfway through it and already feeling convicted), I was sitting in church being rocked by a sermon in which the pastor talked about giving God the keys to your life. It wasn't about just giving Him the keys and letting Him drive, it was about giving Him full access to every part of our lives. 

We looked at 2 Kings 4: 8-17 and to summarize, the passage was about Elisha and the Shunammite Woman. When Elisha would go through the town where this woman lived, she would invite him in and feed him. She even made her husband build Elisha a room on the roof of their house so he might have a place to rest. Elisha eventually asked her how God could bless her. He asked her is there was anything that she wanted. She had no requests. She was content with her life and it brought her joy to bless and serve this man of God. Elisha found out that this woman and her husband never were able to have children. So Elisha told her in one of his visits, this time next year, you will be holding your son. She didn't believe him of course because she was old and so was her husband. But sure enough, the following year, she had a son.

Handing the keys over to God and giving him full access and full control of our lives, God will do amazing things in us and through us. Positioning yourself and preparing a place for God in our lives prepares us for His purposes. God is good and He promises us our hearts desires. But sometimes the promise God has for you is different than the promise you hoped for you. God promises us the desires of our hearts, but we need to pray that our desires are His desires. As we draw closer to him and make room for him in our lives, His desires become our own and only then can we live a life a fulfillment and contentment. God wants to shower us with more than we every dreamed, but we have to make room for God to move in our lives. 

"God makes promises He can keep, extends grace with abandon, and meets us wherever we are in the journey. Regardless of our marital status, we'll never be disappointed when we put all our hope in Him, entrusting our futures to the One that knows what tomorrow holds." I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I trust the one who holds it. And that's good enough for me. 

Sisterhood

Well, I did it. I took a huge leap of faith and joined a community group. Well... It's not really a community group. It's actually called a Sisterhood group. Basically it's a group of 5 women who are committed to meeting and praying for one another in an effort to build relationships and grow as a community. Not exactly the best way to try to meet my future husband, but at least I am getting involved and meeting people.

Today we met for the first time and had breakfast together. For those who know me and my introverted ways, this was a HUGE step for me. Going to breakfast with a group of people I know NOTHING about??? So not something in my comfort zone. But I went and it was actually nice. The three other girls who came today were kind and easy to talk to. They are all married which makes me the odd man out, but what was so nice and so different than any other church group I have attempted to connect with is they never once asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. They didn't want to know that information. Or maybe they wanted to know but it wasn't their top priority. They wanted to know me. Who I am. By myself. What I do. Why I am here. It was refreshing to say the least.

Thank You???

Yesterday I was at the grocery store and as I walked in I saw a heavyset, black man and accidentally made eye contact with him. Well, when I make eye contact with someone, I usually smile and do the nod to say hello. I don't know, it's just how I was raised I guess. To be polite.

Anyway, he ended up getting one of those electric carts and was driving around shopping. I saw him again while I was in the produce section picking out some nectarines. He backed his little cart up *BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP*. You know what I'm talking about. Then he started talking to me. He said "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude. I'm not a creep I promise. I have a wife. I respect women. I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm married and I'm fat and my wife is fat. But I just have to tell you, you are Damn Sexy!"

Um... what? Excuse me? Thank you??? What was I supposed to say? He was trying so hard to be nice and respectful and not creepy but was totally creepy and disrespectful and rude. I was so offended and bothered but didn't want to be rude to him so I just responded, "Oh wow, thank you. That's so nice of you to say..."

Then he kept talking... "Yeah, you are just so sexy. I just wanted to tell you because I think that women should know. And I'm not trying to be creepy. I respect women. And oh I love your rose (*referring to the tattoo on my arm*). Its so pretty. But yeah. You are just so sexy. Are you married? No? Oh. You got kids? No? Really? Are you dating? No? Why Not? Don't want to? Would you date me? If I asked you would you date me?"

By that point I was able to pull away from the conversation. I honestly didn't know what to do. I was so creeped out and bothered by the whole situation and I wished that someone was there with me to save me from the conversation. It was awful and super creepy. Here's a hint, if you have to preface your statement with, "I'm not trying to be creepy..." you are probably a creep and should probably stop talking... Just FYI...

The Comparison Battle

Very rarely do I have an original thought. But let's be honest, how many of us actually have original thoughts? How much of what we think and what we believe and understand comes from what is actually within our own minds and how much of it comes from what we read, hear, or see?

The reason I ask is because I wanted to share yet another thing from a sermon at church that left me feeling convicted. So buckle up for another sermon recap of things that I did not come up with on my own but want to share with others in hopes of spreading the knowledge.

This week's sermon was about comparisons which is something that I unfortunately know all too well. Not only am I guilty of constantly comparing myself to other people based on appearance, fitness, teaching skills, friendships, relationships, etc, but this is something I see every single day with my High School kids. Not that I have the monopoly on comparisons. We all deal with it right? I mean, if we are really honest with ourselves, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. Either putting ourselves down because we aren't like other people, or building ourselves up because we think we are better than other people. Or we see someone's Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook post and just think, "Seriously? I can't believe that person is engaged." Or "I can't believe that person is in Hawaii." Or "I can't believe they are having a baby already." Either way, it's something we all do and it's something that people have been doing for thousands of years.

John 21: 20-15 says:

Peter turned around and saw behind them the disciple Jesus loved - the one who had leaned over to Jesus during supper and asked, "Lord, who will betray you?" Peter asked Jesus, "What about him, Lord?"

Jesus replied, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me." So the rumor spread among the community of believers that this disciple wouldn't die. But that isn't what Jesus said at all. He only said, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is it to you?"

This disciple is the one who testifies to these events and has recorded them here. And we know that his account of these things is accurate.

Jesus also did many other things. If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written.

To give a little background, this conversation between Peter and Jesus happens after Jesus tells Peter to feed his sheep and Follow Him. Jesus also tells Peter how he is going to die. Crazy right? Being told how you are going to die and how if you follow him, your life will be a part of his plan that he already knows the ending to? But Peter doesn't relish in the fact that Jesus is asking him to be a part of his plan. Peter rather focuses on someone else. He asks Jesus, "What about him, Lord?" Seriously? You are with FREAKING JESUS and he is revealing your life to you and inviting you to be a part of His plan and you are worried if someone else has a better plan than you?

Comparison is not something that is new. I mean, for crying out loud, the disciples started comparing themselves to one another even when they asked Jesus who would sit at His right hand in the Kingdom. There are some major problems and pitfalls of comparisons.

1. Comparisons are ALWAYS unfair: we are different people with different gifts. It is not even fair to compare yourself to someone who is completely different from you in every single way.
2. Comparisons rob us of PRECIOUS time: I mean, this one has Peter written all over it right? He was with Jesus in the final recorded moments before his ascension and instead of living in that moment, he is busy comparing himself and his plan to the plans Jesus had for the other disciples.
3. Comparison is NOT measurable: comparisons are not fair because we have no way of measuring who or what is better? Nothing will ever measure up.
4. Comparison puts focus on the WRONG person: God is a God of abundance. He gives us EVERYTHING we need and more. He wants to give things to us and share with us and share in our lives.
5. Comparison lead to RESENTMENT: when things don't measure up, we are going to eventually start resenting. 
6. Comparison deprives us of JOY: when our hearts are filled with resentment, there is no room to rejoice and be glad in the positive things that are happening to others around us or even to ourselves. 

I love Jesus' response to Peter when he compares himself to another disciple: "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what's it to you?" Hilarious right? What's it to you? What do you care? Why does it matter to you? What's even better, is the disciples didn't even understand his snarky response. They all start rumors saying that this disciple is going to live forever or whatever, but that's not at all what he was saying. 

So how do we stop comparing ourselves to others? Cause let's be honest, we all do it. And it's definitely something that I struggle with BIG TIME. 

1. Celebrate your gifts: Ephesians 4:7 says "He has give each one of us a special gift through the generosity of Christ." We all have been given special gifts and if we spend less time worrying about other people and their gift and more time celebrating and nurturing our own gifts, we might live a more content and satisfied life. 
2. Pursue what excited you: within the gifts we are given, put them to use in something that excited you and makes you happy. Don't just celebrate your gifts but use them.
3. Live with Gratitude: Be thankful for what you have. Again, God is a God of abundance and showers us with everything we need. Be thankful for what you have been given. 
4. If you need to compare, compare with yourself: If you can't stop comparing, compare yourself to yourself. Are you better that you were a year ago? Are you close to the Lord? Are you better at your job? Are you a better friend? Sister? Mother? Father?
5. FOLLOW JESUS: this really is the big one and above all of the others, this is the most important. Follow Jesus with your whole heart and there won't be time or room for anything else. 

What is Love?

What is Love even? I was actually asked this question the other day by a student who was working on their capstone project for college. I wasn't exactly sure how to answer this question. Love means so many different things to so many different people.

Are you talking about romantic love?

Brotherly love?

The love/hate I have for my students which some days is more hate than love cause I just want to punch them in the face?

Or are you talking about ultimate love?

The love talked about at every wedding when the pastor reads from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8?

Or the love talked about in 1 John 4:7-21?

So many people go through their whole lives searching for love. Searching for something to fill the hole that is in their lives. So many people look at the pain and suffering in this world and question how God can even exist in the midst of such heartbreak.

And then there are people like me who wonder if love is even in the cards for them. People like me who wish that someone would love them and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. It's crazy how much love drives the things we do.

But then I sit back and look at the people around me. The people who actually do love me. I sit back and look at the opportunity I have to show love to so many people. The students that I get to show love to on a daily basis.

So what is love? What does it look like? Honestly, I think it is all of this. It's putting someone else's needs in front of your own. Love is a daily, minute by minute, second by second recognition and consequent action of thinking of yourself lower than someone else.

It's the over-used 1 Corinthians passage.

It's 1 John 4:7-21 that says:

7 Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. 8 But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

9 God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. 10 This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

11 Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. 12 No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.

13 And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. 14 Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. 16 We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17 And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 19 We love each other[a] because he loved us first.

20 If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer,[b] that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? 21 And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.[c]

It's romantic love. It's brotherly love. It's the love/hate relationships I have with my students.

Love just is. What more do we need then that?

Failure is Not An Option???

At church they have been doing a series called The Ascension where they have been looking at the time Jesus spent with his disciples after his resurrection and before He ascended into heaven. This week the topic was failure. One thing I like about this church, and especially the pastor and his wife is that they are so real. Both of them are very upfront and don't pretend to be anything they aren't. So when I say the message was about failure today, I say that in a sense that not only is failure actually an option, but an inevitable part of life. The message wasn't about how to avoid failure because that is just never going to happen for us. But one thing we can do is learn how to respond to our failure.

The passage today was John 21:1-19 which is a long passage so I will save you from having to read it in detail, but to summarize for you, this is the story of the Disciples fishing all night long and not catching a thing. When they had grown tired of fishing and were on their way in, Jesus called to them from the shore and told them to cast their nets on the other side. When they did, their nets were filled with an abundance of fish. At that moment, Peter knew who was on the shore and jumped out of the boat to meet Jesus. When they all reached the shore, Jesus invited them to eat with him. During this time, Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him. To which Peter replied "Yes, you know that I love you." The first two times, Jesus responded with "Feed my sheep." But the third time, he said two simple words, "Follow Me."

So what are we supposed to do when we fail? Because guess what, we are going to fail. A lot. The first choice we have when we fail, is will we chose to follow our plan or His plan? The disciples had to feel like major failures. This was what they did regularly. They go out and they fish all night. This was their livelihood. And yet they caught nothing. But then Jesus called out to them and told them to throw their nets on the other side. Something I am sure they had tried during their long night of catching nothing. But they listened and is says "they couldn't haul in the nets because there were so many fish in it." His plan is ALWAYS better than our plan. Even if we don't see it right away, His plan is always better.

This truth has been made so apparent to me these last few years. I am extremely familiar with failure. School for me was not an easy road. And I hadn't felt more like a failure when I dropped out of Northridge after failing a semester of classes and having to transfer to a community college. I thought I had my whole life figured out. I would go to school at Cal State Northridge, eventually move down to Northridge, work, become an athletic trainer and work with athletes for the rest of my life. Then two years into school, I still hadn't moved down to Northridge, I wasn't involved in my school and I hated what I was doing. Then my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer and I just felt like a failure. I failed my family by being gone for so long during the week for school. I failed myself because I wasn't going anywhere with my life. And then I stopped going to class because I felt like all I could do was fail.

So I did what I could. I listened to God's plan and pursued a career in teaching. Started going to Cal State Channel Islands but still lived at home with my parents. Even though I was following what I know now was definitely God's plan, it wasn't as clear to me back then. I still felt like a failure living at home with my parents. When I wasn't at school or working, I was taking care of my grandma. I really felt like I had failed at life. It wasn't until I finally finished school that God's plan became more clear to me. After graduating, I really felt the Lord telling me, It's time now. It's time to move and reach out and be the person I created you to be. I later got the job at Bradshaw and moved to Sacramento. Though my time at Bradshaw has had it's ups and downs, it has shaped me and molded me into a confident leader and teacher. If it were not for my time at Bradshaw, I would have never found the confidence to leave and attempt to grow elsewhere. This last week I interviewed at St. Francis Catholic High School and really felt a sense of confidence and peace going into the interview. I was confident that God's plan was better than my own and if this was where He wanted me, He would make it happen. And so I interviewed at 1:30pm and a few short hours later, I got a call offering me the job.

His plan is ALWAYS better than our own. Even when we can't see it.

The second choice we have is will we focus on what other people think of us or what God thinks? When Peter realized that it was Jesus on the shore, he jumped out of the boat and swam to shore. Can you just imagine that? Peter throwing himself out of the boat to go see his Lord? He didn't care what his friends on the boat would think. He only cared what Jesus thought. See, Peter was the same person that denied that he even knew Jesus a few days earlier. He was asked three times if he knew Jesus and he replied, "I don't even know that man." He was afraid of what people would say about him. Afraid of what would happen him if they found out that he was one of Jesus' followers. But now he doesn't care what people think and he throws himself out of a boat for Jesus.

The third choice we have is will we familiarize ourselves with His voice or our comfort? In verse 12, the disciples join Jesus for breakfast but none of them dared to ask Him, 'Who are you?' Because they knew it was their Lord. They knew from the miracle the witnessed and voice that was speaking to them that He was Jesus, yet they didn't recognize his face. Though they didn't recognize him, they chose to trust His voice.

Finally the last choice we have to make is will we fixate on our failure or choose to follow Jesus? Jesus doesn't care about our failures. He is more concerned with our future. Jesus asks Peter if he loves Him three times. And each time he tells him to feed His sheep. But the last time he gives a simple two word direction: "Follow Me."We are going to fail. It's inevitable. But we have a choice. We can fixate on our failures and let it stop us from moving on with our lives, or we can trust that God's plan is better than our own and follow him. I don't know about you, but I chose His plan.

A Message to the Graduates

Yesterday I attended my youngest sister's college graduation. It was crazy to be there and know that the three of us are now all grown up. Like, we have been "grown up" for awhile now but there is something about a graduation ceremony that makes it official. I didn't walk in my graduation ceremony for many reasons, but the biggest one was I felt like I didn't need a two hour ceremony to verify that I was grown up. I was already grown up for many years, I just needed the piece of paper to say it was true.

But the ceremony got me thinking about this year's high school seniors. This class is definitely my favorite class (sorry other classes... I still love you... just not as much...) and since it is the last graduating class that I will teach at Bradshaw (yes, it's official... It's been coming for awhile now, but now I can actually write about it), they definitely hold a special place in my heart. I'm not sure what it is about this class that has me actually really sentimental about their graduation. I guess it's just that I really feel like the kids in this class and really feel like they have a bright future ahead of them. I even was on the ballot to speak at their graduation. Thankfully, someone else won that privilege, but I do have some thoughts for them as they prepare to graduate and enter into "the real world" (whatever that means...)

1. Look to find the humor in your life. Don't take yourself too seriously. Stress, worry, and anger have no good place in your life. Make people smile. Life is full of things to laugh at. The biggest thing of those things is yourself. Learn to laugh at yourself because, guess what, you guys are hilarious.  
2. High tides raise all ships. Surround yourself with good, strong people and let them do their job. Cut negative people out of your life. They will tear you down and rip you up. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and make you stronger. 
3. Preparation meets opportunity. Practice makes perfect. You are only as good as the preparation and practice you put into what you are doing. Do the work because you never know when your handwork is going to pay off so you better be prepared.
4. Put your phone down or better yet, turn it off for at least 30 minutes each day. I know your life is in your phone. Mine is too. But take time to sit and just be. Talk to the people around you. Meet someone new in the line at the coffee shop. Be aware of the people around you, not just the people in your phone. 
5. You are third. Yeah this was the theme for STUCO this year, but make that the theme for your life. Put God first and foremost in your life and He will guide your path. Serve others above yourself. Putting others before yourself will be more fulfilling than trying to fill that void in yourself. 

Finally, I will finish with a poem that was shared at my sister's graduation. And although that was a college graduation, I think there is a lot of wisdom that can be taken from these words.

Shakespeare's written of life's woes. 

I've read Whitman, and Blake, and Edgar Alan Poe. 

But they're too deep for me, I make no excuse. 

I relate better to Dr. Seuss. 

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. 

You can steer yourself any way that you chose. 

All the places you will go, all the seeds you will sow 

as you embark on your new life ahead. 

Now here's a little light that maybe I can shed. 

You are not defined by the size of your thighs 

and listen to your heart cause it never lies. 

Embrace your differences it's the only distinction you've got. 

Never try to be something you're not. 

Be grateful, say thank you and always be kind. 

Extend a hand when someone falls behind. 

And don't judge others who are not like you. 

You don't know anyone until you walk in his shoes. 

And when all seems lost, have a little faith. 

Miracles happen everyday. 

And when life's unfair, just turn the page. 

But stay the course because dreams never age. 

Life's not about how much stuff you can acquire. 

Only love can lift you higher. 

And money, it means nothing without your health. 

That's what really determines your wealth. 

So as you leave today and your new life takes flight, 

get out there and shine your light. 

But remember to never take more than you give. 

And at the end of your life, you'll know that you lived. 

I Feel Ya!

You know that saying, "I feel ya!"? Maybe you say it or you have heard someone say it. But it's something that is said. And more often than not it is used to express a sense of empathy and compassion towards someone else. A way of saying, "I understand where you are coming from," "I have been there," "I feel ya."

It's a common saying that many of us say (myself included) when we experience first world problems.

• The free coffee at my work tastes awful: "I Feel Ya"
• Chick Fil'A is closed on Sunday: "I Feel Ya"
• I asked for a Dirty Chai and they gave me a Chai with Mocha in it: "I Feel Ya"
• I'm hungry but not for any of the foods in my house: "I Feel Ya"

Today in church, that was the focus of the message. The message really focused on the problem of pain. Where it comes from and how we should process the pain.

Pain comes from all sorts of places. Death, Fear, Disappointment. Pain comes when our expectations are not met.

• When we expect to make a certain amount of money, and we don't.
• When we expect to be at a certain place in our lives, and we aren't.
• When we expect to be married by a certain age, and we aren't.
• When we expect to have children, and we miscarry. 
• When we expect to have our loved ones live, and they die.

When expectations are not met, we feel disappointment. And when we feel disappointment, we feel pain. 

So what do we do? How should we process pain? John 20:11-18 says

Mary was standing outside the tomb, crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. "Dear woman, why are you crying?" the angels asked her. 

"Because they have taken away my Lord," she replied, "and I don't know where they have put him." 

She turned and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn't recognize him. "Dear woman, why are you crying?" Jesus asked her. "Who are you looking for?" 

She thought he was the gardener. "Sir," she replied, "if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go get him."

"Mary!" Jesus said.

She turned to him and cried out, "Rabboni!" (which is Hebrew for "Teacher").

"Don't cling to me," Jesus said, "for I haven't yet ascended to the Father. But go find my brothers and tell them 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God."

How are we supposed to process pain? Pain that is so debilitating that it brings us to our knees and takes our legs out from under us. The first thing we have to do (which I admit, is probably the worst of all of the steps... and you will definitely hate me for this one) is we have to feel the pain. Like I said this is probably the worst of all of the steps. I know for me personally, I don't want to feel pain. I avoid it at all costs. So many of us run away from pain like it's the plague but that pain never goes away. Until we sit in it and experience it, it will never go away. Mary had to face her pain. Verses 11-14 describe how Mary went to face the tomb and experience the pain of the death of her friend and teacher. Suddenly she realized that the tomb was empty and that two strangers were sitting in the place of her Lord. How terrifying right? But she felt the pain. She experienced it and that's one thing we all need to do if we ever stand a chance at moving past our pain.

The second thing we have to do is give our pain to Jesus. In verse 15, Jesus asks Mary why she is troubled and why she is so sad. She confessed her pain to Jesus, who she thought was the gardener at first, but she gave her pain to Jesus nonetheless. Psalms 34:18 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The only way to be rescued is to reach out and ask for help.

The third and final step to processing pain, is to understand the purpose of the pain. In verse 16, Jesus calls out to Mary by name. He knows her. He knows what she is feeling. There is a purpose for her pain and He was there to show that to her. There is a purpose for the pain we experience. And we may not see it right away. But we will. What's more important is that Jesus feels our pain. In verse 17, Jesus tells Mary, "I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God." He feels our pain. He knows what it is like. If that isn't comfort enough, then I am not sure what is. 

Pain is a terrible thing and it is definitely not something that we can minimize, especially when helping someone through it. We can't expect someone to right away understand the purpose of the pain. Feeling the pain is something that has to happen first before any of the other steps can happen. So here's my advice, if you know someone who is in pain, know where they are at in their pain. Don't try to fix them or pull them out of it or say "Oh don't worry, God is gonna use this pain and turn it into something great." Cause even though it is true, it is not something they want to hear or will help in any way shape or form. Just be with them. Meet them in their pain. Support them. Love them. Hug them. Sit in silence with them. Cry with them. Help them feel their pain. Then and only then, can they begin to process the rest of their pain.

Is That Bad???

Yesterday in church I had a thought (yes my last post had lots of thoughts and yes all of these different thoughts happened over the course of the same service... You have no idea what goes on in my head... sometimes I think if people only knew... anyway...). This particular thought came during the meet and greet part of the service. You know the one? When the announcer tells you to say hi to the people around you and you turn around and shake hands with everyone within an arms reach of you and politely say hello and hope that you don't have to introduce yourself because then you have to say your name which they instantly mispronounce so you have to correct them and then their name which you instantly forget because you are an awful person and care but don't really care... And repeat... (BTW: writing that last sentence was so fun... hahaha) It was during this time that I noticed an attractive man (well... two of them actually...) across the aisle from me. Ring check. No ring. And kept sort of trying to make accidental eye contact with him so that I would be obligated to take the literally 4 steps across the aisle to introduce myself to him. The eye contact never happened and by the time I had planned out what to say and worked up enough courage to walk across the aisle and introduce myself, everyone had already started to sit down and the moment passed. (Yes my last post was about overcoming fear, but I haden't heard the message yet... so don't judge me...)

Long story, sorry, but I promise I am getting to my thought and I think it's worth it. My thought was that I should join a community group at church. Now obviously community is a HUGE part of my faith and it's something that I have been searching for since moving up to Sacramento. I have a family community here and have felt loved and supported in that regards, but I have missed the church community that I once had. So yeah of course I should join a community group right? I mean, this is the first church I have been at that I feel like I actually would enjoy community groups. 

But here is why I wanted/want to join one. If I join a community gorup maybe I will meet a good, single Christian man. Is that awful? Am I allowed to join a community group when really the main reason I want to join is to hopefully meet a single man and fall in love and live happily ever after? 

Yes I could try to justify it all day and say, well, God says we should be in community. And it's biblical to partner with people in the church. And if I join then I can meet new people and maybe find some new friends. And it would get me more involved in the church and blah blah blah blah BLAH!

Is it awful that the primary reason I would join a Community Group would be to meet Single Christian men???

(No seriously, I am asking??? I need some feedback here...)

The Destiny Killer

Do pastors share sermons with each other? The reason I ask is the last two weeks in two different churches, I have heard the exact same sermon from two different pastors. Granted, today's was infinitely better than the other one, I couldn't help but chuckle a little that they were both basically the same message.

But at the same time I had to wonder if God was trying to tell me something. I mean, what are the chances that two different pastors would do the same sermon? So today I made sure to really listen to what God was trying to tell me.

The sermon was about Fear and how we can combat fear. This got me thinking. What am I afraid of? When I started making the list in my head, I ran out of room, but here are some of the highlights in no particular order:

• Haunted Houses: I just don't do scary if you remember from my post from Halloween last year.
• Zombies: Ok... yes I watch the Walking Dead, but some of the nightmares I have are seriously terrifying...
• Not being good enough: I think this is a common one for a lot of people. Nothing super specific about it either. But I guess, not being good enough in my job, in my family, with my friends, my blog, my writing...
• Being the center of attention: This is a weird one because everyday in class, I am the center of attention. But when I teach it's not about me being the center of attention but trying to draw student's attention to math. Does that even make sense? This is probably why I hate my birhtday so much.
• Never getting married: This is one that I have been struggling with for awhile now. It is one of my greatest desires to get married and have a family of my own, but the older I get the more afraid I am that this is never going to happen. I think this is a big one for me becuase the fear is almost paralizing. To the point that I don't even try because I am afraid that I'll get rejected or hurt or again... not good enough... I don't even know... 

(There are definitely more, but these were the first ones that came to my mind.)

Fear Sucks! Fear hinders people. It prevents them from reaching the full destiny that God has designed for them. Fear is a prison. Fear is a Destiny Killer. Today's pastor shared a quote saying "Everything we want is on the other side of fear." And it's so true right? Our greatests wants and desires are just beyond the reach of our fear.

The Bible says a lot about fear, and the Pastor used John 20:19-23 as his example. This passage describes the moment that Jesus revealed himself to his disciples. It says,

That Sunday evening the disciples were meeting behind locked doors because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders. Suddenly, Jesus was standing there among them! "Peace be with you," he said. As he spoke, he showed them the wonds in his hands and his side. They were filled with joy when they saw the Lord! Again he said, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you." Then he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

So the disciples were afraid and were hiding because of their fear. Then Jesus just appeared. Crazy right? Locked doors couldn't keep him out. So the first step in combating fear is to confront it. We have to face them otherwise they will always be there. The second thing we have to do is is to cultivate joy. When the disciples saw Jesus standing amond them, they were filled with joy. Joy, just as any of the fruits of the spirit must be cultivated and cared for. We can chose joy in the face of unspeakable things. The third step is to change your perspective. If you sit in your fear, you will be trapped in that prison forever. The disciples were filled with Joy "when they saw the LORD!" Their perspectives were changed. Finally, the last step is to channel what is inside of you. John says that Jesus breathed on them and they recieved the Holy Spirit. We have been given everything we need to conqour fear. Jesus has already conqoured the grave so what have we to fear? Isaiah 41:10 says

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Here, He says, "I am your God! I am over, I am by your side, I am inside you, I am around up, and I am under you." Whom shall we fear?

By His stipes, we are healed. By His death we can live. In Jesus Name!
All oppression/Fear will cease. Every capltive released. In Jesus Name!

The oppostie of Fear is Freedom. Walk in His Freedom!

May I Have This Dance?

Since working at a High School, one of my favorite times are the times I get to spend with students outside of the classroom. Don't get me wrong, I love being a teacher. I love being in the classroom and I love when lessons just "work." But there are those times outside of the classroom when as a teacher, I really get to connect with students. And one of those times in these last three years has been in chaperoning dances.

A couple weeks ago I chaperoned our Sadie's dance which was themed "Sadie's in the 80's." As a chaperon, we all break into groups of two and rotate around to different locations in order to keep an eye on the students. I got partnered with my principal and we took the outside shift first so we could see the student's in their 80's outfits as they showed up. While sitting outside in the lull between arrivals, my principle said something that totally took me aback. She said, "Come on Michaela, you know you're going to miss this." I laughed it off a little and said something along the lines of "I love doing this kind of stuff. It's just fun. But it really made me think. Not about whether I would miss chaperoning dances and having connections to kids, but more, did I miss out in high school by not going to dances?

In high school I was not the "dance" type. I really only attended one high school dance which was Senior ball. I just wasn't into going out with people and dancing and being in a sweaty, crowed room with loud music. Maybe it was my introvert tendencies but that just something I wanted to do. Going to all of these dances now as a chaperon, I see how much fun the kids are having and I wonder if I missed out. Now as a teacher I give kids a hard time when they don't want to go to the dance. I give them a even harder time when they come to the dance and don't dance. It takes everything in me while I am at the dance to not jump in and dance with the kids because honestly they just seem like they are having so much fun.

Did I miss out? Am I really regretting not going to the dances like everyone said I would?

Watching the kids at Sadie's I think I realized something. It's not that I missed going to dances or that I missed out on dancing. What I think I missed out on was being comfortable enough with a group of people that I would want to go to a dance and be ridiculous and silly with people. I wasn't a confident kid and was even more of an introvert than I am now if that is even possible. The shear idea of opening up and being crazy with anyone was not even close to my radar in High School.

So, is she right? Am I going to miss this? I think I already did.

Sunday Funday

Lately I have been thinking about how thankful I am to be living where I am (get ready for a mushy, sappy, post... deal with it). About a year ago I moved in with some new roommates and the last few months I have been beyond thankful and blessed to be here with them.

Let me explain. When I went to college, I never really 'WENT' to college. Don't get me wrong, college was great even though it took forever. But it wasn't something I ever really got into. I never really moved out and into dorms to meet new people. Not that that was a bad thing or that I feel like I missed out of something, but I just had a different experience than a lot of other people. I got a taste of what it was like to have roommates working at camp, but even that was different. Small confined spaces with two or three other girls and community living is it's own beast all together.

When I finally moved out, I moved in with my parent's friends which was a HUGE blessing that I still am not sure if I deserved and can never really pay back for. After that I moved in with two strangers who happened to be sisters and owned their own house. That in itself was another huge blessing as they were great roommates; kind, caring, funny, and always tried to include me in their lives. Still it was something I had to get used to and I am sure with time, we could have gotten a lot closer.

But then I moved in with Megan and Jordan and everything changed. I am not sure what it is exactly, but there is just a comfort with these two. We hang out, watch TV together, make dinner together, and just enjoy each other's company. But at the same time, we are completely independent and have our own schedules and lives. I think that's why this works so well. We are independent but also bring out the good in each other. They have helped me come out of my shell a little and experience things that I might not have otherwise done on my own.

Things are just easy with them and I think that's where this post is coming from. My favorite thing that we have done recently has been our church outings. Not every Sunday but at least two Sundays a month for the last couple of months, the three of us go pick up our Starbucks and get our coffee and breakfast, then go to church together. We bounced around and tried out a few different churches but I think we have settled on a new church in downtown Sac called Project church.

It's small and maybe not something that many people would find significant, but for me the last few weekends, I have just felt abundantly blessed and thankful to be where I am. Thanks guys for welcoming me in and making me laugh until I cry (or nearly pee my pants). Thanks for including me and pushing me out of my shell. You guys are the best.

Alright. Mushiness is over. You can go back to your lives.

Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?

Have you ever heard a sermon that just sort of woke you up? Not that it is anything new or something you have never heard before, but someone makes a connection that wasn't apparent to you before. Last weekend I went to a new church with my roommates (more on that later in another post). This church is currently looking at the final words of Jesus on the cross and the guest speaker (who was very boring and monotone and had a stutter but had good stuff to say) looked at Matthew 27:46 which says

At about three o'clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

It's a passage we have all hear before but one that I never really saw the depth and complexity of. The speaker went all the way back to the story of Exodus and the first Passover where each family was instructed to choose a lamb with no defects to sacrifice. Each family was instructed to slaughter their lamb at twilight which translated means around 3 o'clock. They also had to take some of the blood on a hyssop branch and smear it on the sides and top of the wooden door frames of the house before they ate the animal. The Israelites were instructed to eat their meal with their shoes on, being fully dressed and ready to move at a moments notice. Again... All stuff we have heard before...

Later in John 19, the account of Jesus' death says that it was the day of passover and around noon when Jesus was condemned to be crucified. When Jesus was nailed on the cross his blood covered the wooden cross from his hands, feet, and head. While on the cross Jesus said, "I am thirsty" and the guards dipped a sponge in some sour wine and raised it up to his lips on the end of a hyssop branch! What??? A hyssop branch??? How have I not noticed that before???

Which brings me to the passage in Matthew. At 3 o'clock, Jesus called out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" 3 o'clock? Are you kidding me?

My mind was seriously blown. I know that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. He was the perfect spotless lamb that took on the sins of the world. He fulfilled and covered us with his blood so that we might live. It's something that I have always known and have believed, but there was something about this sermon that just got to me.

Maybe it's the Easter season. Maybe being in the middle of Passion week has made me just sit and think and be thankful for what Christ did for us. But during this week, I am so thankful for the perfect spotless lamb who covered us with his blood so that the angel of death might passover us. During this week, I pray that you are will find yourself covered with the blood of the Lamb. I pray that you will be a sojourner with God in His story. And more importantly, if you are feeling forsaken, know that you are in good company!

On Point!

Some days while teaching, lessons flop. There are days when it is a struggle to keep kids engaged. Some days it's like pulling teeth to get kids to respond to the simplest of questions and as a teacher I stand in the front of the room feeling like a idiot waiting in awkward silence. There are definitely way too many of those days and it's one of my goals to cut down on those days.

But then there are days like today. Days when your lesson is fun and engaging. Days when you can get kids to laugh and enjoy the lesson while still making sure that they comprehend the material. Days when your assessment acutally feels worthwhile and has a purpose beyond grades. I have this one class that is silent. Half of the class is made up of international kids and the other half are the quiet/shy kids. So getting them to participate and engage in the lesson is struggle to say the least. But today was different. Today I was excited about the lesson and about some silly ways that I was able to interact with another class the day before. Most of my lessons involve me explaining a concept, showing the class and example and then working through and exampel with the class. After that I will usually check to see how well they are able to apply that concept by having the  class try a problem on their own and then we go over the problem together. Usually I tell the class to turn to their neighbor when they are finished and check their answers with them. Well, with this class, that rarely happens so I start having them say the words "I've got it" when they are finished so that I know that they are done and we can go over the problem and move on with the lesson. Even the "I've got its" are hard to get my students to say because they are just silent. So today I tried something different. I had a little bit of leverage because they wanted to see what grades they got on their tests so that definitely helped. But I told the class that we would not move on until I heard every single person say "I've got it." But that was sort of boring. So instead of saying "I've got it," I told them they had to SING "I've got it." When the first couple of students wispered "I've got it" I told them that we would not be moving on until I heard the whole class singing. Believe it or not, it worked. The kids started giggling and snickering about having to sing, but it woke them up. They start participating more than they have ever participated in the past and seemed to not only understand the lesson, but enjoy the lesson. The next problem I switched it up and instead of having them sing "I've got it" I had them say it in spanish "Yo lo tengo." I can't tell you how funny it was to see my Chinese and Vietnames kids saying "Yo lo tengo" but it was the ice breaker I feel that we desperately needed.

I don't know if that was the trick and I highly doubt that I will go in on Monday to a completely transformed and enlightened class, but for today, I felt like I was not only doing my job but that I was doing it well. 

Let's Hear it for the Moms!

Screw what Deniece Williams said when she said "Let's Hear it for the Boy." I say, Let's Hear it for the Moms. Moms are amazing individuals and seriously gifts to all mankind. 

Being so far away from my family is hard. I miss my family all of the time and wish I could just cruise over to their house and say hello. This weekend I went home and got to spend some quality time with my mom (and my dad... sorry dad... I love you too... Promise! And that Valentines gift was SOOOOO amazing!!!! Thank YOU!!!!). I had a cold last week too so going home and having my mom take care of me was especially amazing! There is no one else that I want when I am sick other than my mommy. When I got home, I was exhausted from a long (even though it was a day shorter) week of work. The drive home was long and awful and there was traffic and trucks and people were just idiots on the road. I pulled into the driveway and seriously just about lost it. I was in no mood to say hello or chat and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. My mom (who had been sleeping before I got home) got out of bed, filled up the humidifier, grabbed a jar of vicks vapor rub, and found some NyQuil so all I had to do was go to sleep. She then made me one of my favorite soups the next night which basically knocked out what was left of my cold. There really is nothing like going to your mom and having her take care of you.

And while there is nothing like going home and having your mom take care of you, there are glimpses of that everywhere. Like I said, being away from my family has been hard. I love them and leaving them after a visit gets a little harder everytime, but it's crazy how God knows how I feel and gives me moms all around me. Not only do I have a surrogate family up here in the Burgs, but I have coworkers and friends who take care of me and love me just like my mommy does. It definitely doesn't replace what I have but it does make this a little easier. Tonight I went to dinner with some coworkers and friends and the moms took care of us kids. I love that. I can't tell you how much of a blessing it is to be taken care of by a mom. So that's why tonight, I am saying Let's Hear it for the Moms.

One of the biggest desires of my heart is to be a mom. I hope and pray that one day I get to be a mom. And bless my kids and other peoples kids the way my mom and my surrogate moms have blessed me.

Crazy Thinking...

I had a thought yesterday. And I think it's crazy. Like I seriously might have just lost my mind. But I have been reading this book and as I was reading this book, I had an idea. This crazy, possibly stupid idea. I think I should write a book.

It's something that my mom told me I should do awhile ago but I didn't really believe her. I mean, your mom is always your number one fan and my mom has definitely been one to believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. But writing a book? Really? No. I teach math. There is no way. 

But while reading Donald Miller's new book, it just sort of hit me. I could actually do this. I have a story to tell. I don't even know what the full story is or how to put it all together. I don't even know that it would be worth reading or that anyone would want to read it (other than my mom). But for the first time I feel like it's actually something I could do. "Sometimes the story we're telling the world isn't half as endearing as the one that lives inside us." I feel like there is a story inside of me and I a, excited at the possibility of letting it out. 

Scary Close

I started reading this book last week. It's Donald Millers new book, Scary Close and it is already topping the best sellers lists so you better get your hands on it now. Anyway, I'm a little over halfway through the book and I already have been rocked and wrecked. Thanks Don. 

The book is about relationships. But it's not like a I Kissed Dating Goodbye self help style book. While he does talk about his relationship with his then fiancé now wife, it's not solely about romantic relationships (although it is a great guide in that regards as well). But it's a book about relationships in their purest form. It's about being your true self and not acting and putting on a show for people but to truly become intimate in our relationships. To become vulnerable and open ourselves up, but at the same time protect ourselves from people who manipulate us and constantly take from the relationship. 

I always thought I was good at relationships. I mean, I can come into a classroom and know that I have to be vulnerable in order to gain the trust and respect of my students. But is that just a show? Am I just trying to perform in order to impress these kids? I don't think that I am but how can I be sure? But in my real life, my day to day life, I think I suck at relationships. Or maybe I'm good at them but not in the way that I should be. I have never felt true intimacy with someone. Not physical intimacy, but an intimacy of knowing who someone is and the, knowing me. Maybe it's my introvert tendencies, or maybe that's what I use as my scapegoat too often so I don't open myself up to new possibilities. Maybe that's why I'm still single. Maybe that's why I have yet to find a Boosm Friend/Kindred Spirit (I was listening to Anne of Green Gables in the car driving home today... I love that book and have always hoped to one day find a Boosm Friend). 

One thing I have realized though while reading this book is that "in order to experience a meaningful life, [I] have to face the fear of jumping in -- not just in relationships, but in life, in [my] career and [my] rest and [my] play." In order to ever stand a chance at having a meaning relationship with anyone (romantic or not), I have to be vulnerable. I can't put on a show and try to impress anyone. I have to be me. This is definitely not something that can happen overnight. And it's something I am going to have to work on. But I want to work on it. I want to try. It's super scary. But it's sort of exciting too right?

Sometimes I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am actually doing what I am supposed to be doing. Like am I supposed to be teaching? Could I be doing something else? Would I be happier doing something else? Or wouldn't it be nice to have a job that I could actually leave at work and not take home with me? Wouldn't it be nice to not spend 4 hours on a weekend planning and grading for the upcoming week? Is this really worth it? 

I've been feeling this a lot lately. Just sort of feel like I am going through the motions, getting the job done. Other days it takes all that is in me not to bite a kid's head off. Then there are days when I am just annoyed and act like a total bitch to my kids. Not because I hate them but just because I am irritated by people around me. I try to turn it off but the bitchiness keeps coming out. Then I wonder how kids could ever respect me or even like me when I am such a bitch to them sometimes. 

Then there are those moments when every doubt you ever had comes crashing to a halt. Those moments when God says, "Calm down. You are just where I want you to be. You are still my child and I am well pleased with you." 

Recently I have had two of those moments. The fist came last Friday night at a school event. STUCO put on this Mock Rock thing which was like a lip sync battle. I was a judge and guest starred in one of the groups ("Hold On" by Wilson Phillips... You know... The one from Bridesmaids...). The event was a huge success and the kids had a blast. There were even parents and kids from other schools who came and really enjoyed the event. After it was over and people were mingling, I met one of my senior's dads. This particular student was one that I did the song with earlier. She has been my student for the three years I have been at this school and she is one of my favs (I mean... I don't have favs... ;-)). Anyway, I met her dad that night for the first time and he said, "thank you for loving our kids. Like for reals. It is so obvious that you love these kids and they love you. They talk about you all of the time and going up on stage with them tonight was not an easy thing to do I am sure but they loved every second of it. I just can tell that you love these kids and I really appreciate that." 

Let's just say I almost lost it right then and there. But it meant a lot to hear that someone sees my heart. Not that any of what I do needs justification or validation from anyone but God, but it sure is nice to hear it when it comes. 

The second reminder came from a student yesterday after a particularly bitchy day. It was after school and I was working in my room before soccer practice. This hour of time has become really nice for me since most kids go home and I get to have a little bit of prep time (my prep period is 7th which has turned into an impromptu study hall so I don't get anything done so that hour after school is great!). During this time there are usually a couple of students lingering either waiting for their sports practice or just trying to get homework done. I have one student whose sister is playing soccer and though she is a senior and can drive home, she chooses to stay at school to get her work done. Yesterday it was just she and I in my room (another student had just walked out from asking me a question), and out of nowhere she said, "Miss Andrews, I'm so glad you are here." At first I didn't understand what she meant. I thought maybe she was just happy to be sitting on my couch after school and she was glad I was at school still so she had a place to sit. I asked her what she meant and she said, "I am just glad that you teach here. You are a great teacher and just really love us. And, I dunno... I'm just glad you are here."  

Cue the tears again because they definitely started coming. I don't know what it is but whenever those feelings of doubt creep into my mind, God is so faithful to send me little reminders that I am right where I need to be for this moment in my life. He sends me people to remind me and tell me "this is my child with whom I am well pleased." I am so thankful for those reminders. 

Best Part of 2014???

Commence the obligatory/clique New Years post (only two weeks after the new year started... no big deal). Or at least that's what it feels like.

But it is a new year and as this new year begins, I thought I might think back a little on this last year. I spent New Year's Eve with some friends and we sat by the fire, played catchphrase, did some karaoke, and just laughed and laughed. Before heading out to the party someone asked me what the best part of this last year was and I seriously had to stop and think about it for awhile. I couldn't for the life of me think of what good happened last year. Not that I am saying it was a terrible year and I'm glad to be rid of it. I think the worst thing that happened was losing my grandma last February, but that really was the biggest event that happened the entire year. Everything else, although mixed with good and bad was just sort of so-so.

What's worse is I can't for the life of me really remember what happened last year. How sad is that? Is my life that boring and pitifal that I can't recall the events of this last year? Forget trying to remember anything beyond that. I seriously sometimes wonder if my Alzheimers is kicking in already. Too soon? I know. Sorry.

So in an attempt to spark my brain and recall the happenings of this last year, I am going to make a list of stuff that happened. Good, bad, ugly, things I was thankful for, blessings, etc. Here's what I remember.

• My Grandma passed away. (the bad)
• My Grandma went to be with Jesus! (the good)
• I got a raise at work. (blessing. shoot, I almost forgot about that one)
• I started my Masters. (Finally)
• I moved into a new house with roommates that I know, love, and trust. (not that my last roommates were bad. Honestly, they were probably the best situation I could be in with absolute strangers. But there were just that. Strangers).
• I got an ipad. (I know... trivial right? but it is so nice to be able to read my textbooks and actual books on my ipad instead of my cell phone)
• I turned 27. (I don't want to talk about it)
• My closest friend and coworker got a new job. (this one was hard... still kinda is)
• I was blessed to find and get closer to two other coworkers. (honestly don't know if I would have made it this far through the year without them)
• I went to the Grand Canyon and nearly froze to death while camping with my mother. (still one of the best trips I have ever taken)
• I saw Ingrid Michaelson and Brandi Carlile twice (ok... Brandi might have been once with the other time the year before but like I said, my memory sucks and I am gonna say it happened last year sometime)
• I was "noticed" at work. (Now this is a big one for me. I am most definitely an introvert and am an ISFJ which means I love serving people and being behind the scenes. I work my ass off and don't really look for or expect any recognition. But then when I actually get it. When someone says, "Hey, I notice you and I appreciate what you do." or "Where would we be without you." or "I see you. You are not invisible even though you are perfectly comfortable being that way." When someone sees me. I can't even explain that feeling.)
• I started going to a new church that reminds me of what church is supposed to look like. 
• I went on a vacation completely by myself (it was a dream... no joke.
• I played beer pong, flip cup, kings cup, and way too many other drinking games that I have never played before in my life. (sorry mom and dad!)
• I read all of John Green's books (well... The ones he wrote himself... I'm a teenage girl... I know)
• I cried probably more than a normal person should. (Usually because of fictional characters). 
• I laughed harder than I thought was humanly possible.

I know there was WAY WAY more that happened last year, but I am tapped out. So to answer the question that I couldn't answer before, "What was the best part of 2014 for me?" All of it. The whole thing. The good, the bad, and the ugly.