Your Worst Nightmare...

I think I've finally figure out why I have always hated my birthday. Birthdays are seriously an introverts worse nightmare. Being in the spotlight. Not knowing what's coming. The anxiety. The fear. Being the center of attention... Nope. Not about that shiz....

It is nice I will say to be shown love however. I feel beyond blessed to be in a place so far away from my family and friends yet I feel so well taken care of. Tonight the burgs had Sunday night dinner and we celebrated mine and Shari's birthday. Grandma Jackie gave me a reusable grocery bag. Reminded me of the type of thing my grandma used to give me. And then tomorrow I have heard rumors of lots of spoiling from some of my "moms/friends" at work. We'll see what happens...

Still doesn't make the stress and anxiety go away though. I've only cried once so far so we will see how tomorrow goes...

Did You Miss Me???

There is something about being noticed and having someone recognize your efforts that just feels good. Today someone pulled me aside and asked me out for coffee. No not like a date (he is married and 40). This was a coworker of mine who I never really talk to cause he is usually in his own world and I am in mine. We have had a few run ins in which I usually end up feeling like an idiot. He is super sarcastic and his humor is very dry and just sort of makes you feel like crap sometimes. 

But today he came into my room and asked if we could speak privately. He then said that he wanted to maybe meet up for coffee sometime. He realized recently that he has missed me these last few years. Not like miss me cause we don't hang out, but like missed me as a person. Missed me as someone who puts a lot into my job and my kids. Missed me and failed to show and express how much he appreciates my efforts. He said that I wasn't the only one he missed. Another coworker who went to work somewhere else this year was another one who also gave a lot to the school with little acknowledgement. He regrets not seeing him and developing a relationship there and is hoping to do better by me. He realized how valuable I am and doesn't want to miss me in all of the whoopla of the year. Why does something like that make me cry every time? 

While the conversation was really positive and made me feel really good it made me wonder, who have I been missing? Who have I missed in the business of my day? Who have you missed today? 

Linda Mary Andrews

It has been almost 7 months since my grandma Linda passed away and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I think of her kindness and desire for others to know the love of Christ. I think of her faith and the hope that she had that everyone she met would come to know Jesus and the love that comes from knowing Him. I remember the smell of cough drops and menthol. I remember trips to McDonalds and her collections of happy meal toys and those collectors cups that you used to be able to buy (yes... She bought them all... She was kinda a hoarder but we loved her for it). I remember her coffee tables covered with half finished puzzles. I remember her teaching me how to do the puzzles (set up the outside first and then work your way inward) and framing those puzzles and saving them or giving them away as gifts. I remember her strange gifts and the money that would come every year on our birthday (but stopped around age 18... $1 for every year of life). I remember her signing us songs like Bushel and a Peck and The Three Bears. I remember how she treated each and every person who walked into her house like family always introducing herself as grandma.

But what I remember the most is her faith and hope. I don't know if I wrote about this before (although I am pretty sure that I did so forgive me if it is a repeat...), but there was one moment that I think I will remember always. It was shortly after she moved into our house after her memory started to go and she left the stove on while making herself eggs etc (you know... Typical Alzheimer's behavior). She had been with us for almost a month and we had been to doctor after doctor trying to find answers and figure out what it was that was causing all of her problems. She was frustrated and scared and had a really bad day when we finally had to just stop and give it to God. So me, my mom, my dad, and my grandma just spent time praying together. I will never forget what she said. Through her tears she just cried out to God saying "Lord, I don't know what is wrong with me but I trust you. I am so scared. Please help me. But I trust you."  To this day it brings me to tears just thinking of it. I hope and pray that one day I can have faith like that. To be able to cry out to God on the brink of an Alzheimer's diagnosis and still say, "I trust you." 

I miss you grandma. I miss you every day.