Church With Friends...

This last Sunday I went to a new church. It's crazy the amount of stress and anxiety I get going to a new place. Just pulling up to the church and sitting in my car before walking into the church I could feel my anxiety levels rising. I even knew people at this church and I was still freaking out. #introvertproblems 

Anyway, I went to a new church. It's a church that a coworker and her husband pastor together. I told my coworker that I was coming and she made me sit in the front row with her despite my extreme introvert problems. I'm not about that front row life but #pastorswifeproblems I guess. 

So yeah. I went to a new church. It has been one of the greatest struggles/challenges I have faced since moving up here to find a church that I could potentially call home. I don't know if my standards are too particular or just that I am an introvert and so feeling "at home" anywhere is just a struggle in general. But this new church seemed so familiar to me. I don't know if it was just the fact that I knew people there or if it was something else. But the church was full of so many different age levels. I was introduced the the church "grandpa" and we talked about math and the Big Bang Theory. Grandpas would come and hold little babies. Pastors wives kiss babies foreheads (yes B, I saw that...)... It just felt so comfortable. 

And then the music.... Happy Day. All in All. Oldies but goodies! Loved it! 

And the speaking... I may be biased because it's my coworkers husband, but it was just so real and honest. I think actually knowing the pastor and their family makes a huge difference for me. Knowing not only who they are but having a relationship with them means the world to me. And maybe that's the key. Maybe that is what I have been missing all of this time. Maybe the answer to what church is, is just a pastor and their family who are open and real. Not hiding anything. Not pretending or claiming to be perfect or to have it all together. People who will invite you to lunch with them after the service and force you to sit in the front row with them even though they know it's uncomfortable. 

This is church done right. And I'm excited to go back (just maybe not in the front row next time...)

My Babies!

One of my Favs (there are lots of favs!!!)

Being a teacher sucks sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, there is so much of it that I LOVE!

I love being able to teach a subject that scares many people. I love that moment when kids get it finally and have that break through. I love telling stupid jokes and having kids hanging on my every word. I love days in class when I can be goofy and throw candy and yell "PARADE!"

I love being able to invest in kids lives. I love hearing their stories and "solving" their problems. I love offering them advice and what I hope is wisdom from things I have learned and gone through in my own life.

I love that I can just show them Christ's love in the way I act and the things I do. I hope and pray everyday that they will come to understand my love of the Lord but more importantly how much God loves them.

Tonight was Senior night at the girl's volleyball game and one of the girls thanked me specifically in her speech for supporting her and her team in their sport and in their lives. I love that. Another parent thanked me tonight be being there for her daughter. For supporting her and encouraging her. I love that. I love that I can be there for these kids. They are my babies. And I love them.

But sometimes it sucks.

I am single and have no children obviously. It is a desire of my heart to one day meet a man after God's own heart and that we will have a family and I pray and look forward to that day, but right now, in this stage of my life, these are my babies. As much as it sucks to be single sometimes, I am beyond blessed to have the time and the energy to devote my attention to my 100+ babies.

And when my babies hurt, I hurt. I see their sadness and I just want it all to go away. When my babies make really, really BAD decisions, it breaks my heart a little. No, actually, it breaks my heart A LOT! I am not a mom (even though I desperately want to be) but I imagine this is what it feels like to see your children hurting. It is NOT a good feeling. And then I am reminded that this is what God feels like when he sees us, His children, hurting and making bad decisions that cause us pain. It is a painful, awful feeling that I do not wish on my worst enemy.

Tonight my heart is full and happy. I am thankful for my kids and for what God is doing in their lives. But I am also sad. And I my heart breaks a little for the kids who fall short. And as much as I want to be mad or pass judgement or whatever feelings creep into my mind, I am reminded that my babies are precious to the KING OF KINGS. His plans for them are GREAT! I love that I can be a part of those plans and I look forward to the day when they come to completion.

Being a teacher is great, but sometimes it sucks.

 (DISCLAIMER: this photo has nothing to do with the sucky sad stuff I just wrote about. This is just one of my seniors whom I love)

I Don't Do Scary...

So... Funny story...

Last night I got home from work, crashed on the couch, got caught up on some of my shows, made some grilled cheeses and tater tots, did some homework... You know... the usual Friday night awesomeness. Later, Sass and her mom came over and me, Megan, and Kailee went with them to Parlor. Now... Let me try to explain Parlor to you in the best way possible... Imagine an ice cream shop, that puts their icecream into a donut and makes this sort of donut-ice-cream-sandwich with all sorts of toppings that you would not always think to put with icecream. Last night I got a coffee ice cream on a glazed donut with almonds, cocoa puffs, and nutella... Let's just say, I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack right then and there....

It must have been the ice cream/donut sandwich high that I was on because what happened next still baffles me. We started trying to figure out what else we wanted to do. The night was still young (or at least it would be young for the young people I was with... sometimes I pretend to be young still, but I really pay for it the next day...) and we wanted to do something fun. Somehow, someone suggested that we go to a Haunted House and it seemed that I was faced with the choice of either going to a Haunted House or a Scary movie... Now, I DON'T DO SCARY! Like ever! I hate being scared. It is not fun. I do not enjoy it. Just say no to scary.

Last night... I said yes...

We went to a Haunted House which was supposedly only 5-6 minutes but it honestly felt SO MUCH LONGER!!!! The owner gave us an expired Groupon deal that was a two of one thing so we only paid about $7 each. When we got in line to go inside, there were several "actors" (is that what you call them? The crazy people who dress up and like to scare people) outside already creeping up on us. I instantly hide behind Kailee and backed up against a wall. Our group of 5 was then split into two groups; Megan and Sass, and Sass's Mom, Kailee, and I. There was another girl behind us in line who was attacked by some of the actors and physically dragged into the Haunted House, kicking and screaming the entire time. The lady at the door then told us that the actors can touch up but we were not allowed to touch them... WHAT??? No! No NO NONONO!!!!

Megan and Sass went in first and our group followed not too long after them. We made Sass's mom go first so that she could protect us, followed by Kailee and me who had quickly changed from holding onto the back of Kailee sweatshirt to wrapping my arms around her and burrying my face into her back. When we walked in, we were confronted with several terrifying characters who backed us up against the wall. We were screaming and screaming and instantly wanted to backout and be done. The lady at the front even gave us the option of backing out through the "Wuss Door." Somehow we continued on, screaming the ENTIRE TIME. I wish I could tell you what was there but all I remember is lots of flashing lights, screaming, people touching my legs and rubbing up against me, Kailee's sweatshirt, and the back of my eyelids. How we made it through the rest of the Haunted House I have no idea. All I know is I cried THE ENTIRE TIME and my watch broke. When we finally made it out, everyone in front of me took off running and I ran and ran until I found a place on the concrete where I curled up into the fetal position and just cried... By the time I finally came out of the fetal position I attempted to fix my watch but couldn't control the shaking of my hands...

At the end they gave us all buttons that say "No Wuss Here." Pretty sure I'm still a Wuss. I DON'T DO SCARY!!!! 

It was quit the night to say the least... My back is beyond sore from being hunched over and hiding in Kailee's sweatshirt. I am pretty sure I NEVER want to do something like that again. Enjoy the video of our group coming out of the Haunted House complete with screaming and running away from scary people with chainsaws...

Too Real... Too Close...

Last night I finished the final season of How I Met Your Mother and while it seems ridiculous to dedicate an entire post to the season finale of a television show, it really had a rather dramatic impact on me. Let me explain. Now, if you don't watch the show or have never heard of the show, I'm going to try and paint a picture for you. If you do watch the show and haven't gotten around to watching the finale season yet, I'm going to do my best not to spoil it for you. But if you can't stand any spoilers, stop reading right now. 

So the whole series is about this guy named Ted who is telling his children the story of how he met their mother. This story that he tells takes the place over about 9 seasons worth of adventures and stories within stories, getting close to the actual moment of how Ted met his children's mother. The final season mostly takes the place over the course of one day until the last three episodes that cover several years. Without going into too many details and giving away too many spoilers, the close group of friends that the audience had grown to know and love begins to grow apart. You see, they are all adults who spent many of their young 20's in a bar chatting about life and having crazy fun adventures.  As is the case with many friends who spend much of their 20's going on adventures and goofing around, life happens and opportunities arise and they grow apart. Life pulls them in a million different directions and despite their best effort to "be there for the big stuff," it just doesn't happen. 

Damn. That hurt. 

Watching that happen to a group of people who already reminded me so much of my extremely close friends group back in SoCal and knowing that the exact same thing has happened to us literally cut my legs out from under me. I lost it. I just cried. And cried. And cried. I could not stop crying. I basically cried myself to sleep. It was just too real. It cut too close to home. How does that happen? How could something so fictional be so real? I know it's crazy, but it hurt. It made me miss those moments. Those times drinking and eating with friends. Those times playing ridiculous games and laughing until we cried. Those innaoropriate jokes that came out of the "family game" or someone always saying the word in catchphrase or reading Cognac exactly how it looks rather than how it is actually pronounced. Those last minute adventures to Disneyland on Election Day to see Ingrid Michaelson. Ditching the second day of stats to go watch the opening night of Monday night football at a bar with a friend. Taking an entire summer off to live and work with 20 strangers who by the end of 6 weeks you are ugly crying while you say goodbye to. 

Does all of that seriously go away when you hit a certain age? Do the people you loved and cared about and were close enough you think of them as family seriously leave your life fovever?

I know everyone thinks your high school friends will be with you forever. I learned really quickly that that is most definitely not the case. Then others say the friends you meet in college will be your lifelong friends; the people you have in your wedding. Well I have been to a few weddings, have yet to be in one and have no plans to be in one anytime in the near future.  I turned 27 the other day and I have to say it's been pretty depressing. 

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for the opportunities I have been given and the path God has put before me as well as the opportunities that God has given my close friends. But there comes a time when you look back and just are overwhelmed with what you have lost along the way. I'm not depressed. I promise. I'm just being honest. I look forward to the future and am beyond blessed by what I have and wouldn't trade it. But part of me, a little part wonders if it all has to end. Where and when does the story end? How I Met Your Mother ended with a new beginning. A story yet to be told. When does my new story begin? And who is gonna tell my kids about how he met their mother? 

[DISCLIAMER: for parents who could read way too much into this... I am fine. Seriously. These are only thoughts that go through my head when I watch television shows on Netflix late at night. Love you and miss you!]