Scary Close

I started reading this book last week. It's Donald Millers new book, Scary Close and it is already topping the best sellers lists so you better get your hands on it now. Anyway, I'm a little over halfway through the book and I already have been rocked and wrecked. Thanks Don. 

The book is about relationships. But it's not like a I Kissed Dating Goodbye self help style book. While he does talk about his relationship with his then fiancé now wife, it's not solely about romantic relationships (although it is a great guide in that regards as well). But it's a book about relationships in their purest form. It's about being your true self and not acting and putting on a show for people but to truly become intimate in our relationships. To become vulnerable and open ourselves up, but at the same time protect ourselves from people who manipulate us and constantly take from the relationship. 

I always thought I was good at relationships. I mean, I can come into a classroom and know that I have to be vulnerable in order to gain the trust and respect of my students. But is that just a show? Am I just trying to perform in order to impress these kids? I don't think that I am but how can I be sure? But in my real life, my day to day life, I think I suck at relationships. Or maybe I'm good at them but not in the way that I should be. I have never felt true intimacy with someone. Not physical intimacy, but an intimacy of knowing who someone is and the, knowing me. Maybe it's my introvert tendencies, or maybe that's what I use as my scapegoat too often so I don't open myself up to new possibilities. Maybe that's why I'm still single. Maybe that's why I have yet to find a Boosm Friend/Kindred Spirit (I was listening to Anne of Green Gables in the car driving home today... I love that book and have always hoped to one day find a Boosm Friend). 

One thing I have realized though while reading this book is that "in order to experience a meaningful life, [I] have to face the fear of jumping in -- not just in relationships, but in life, in [my] career and [my] rest and [my] play." In order to ever stand a chance at having a meaning relationship with anyone (romantic or not), I have to be vulnerable. I can't put on a show and try to impress anyone. I have to be me. This is definitely not something that can happen overnight. And it's something I am going to have to work on. But I want to work on it. I want to try. It's super scary. But it's sort of exciting too right?