I Feel Ya!

You know that saying, "I feel ya!"? Maybe you say it or you have heard someone say it. But it's something that is said. And more often than not it is used to express a sense of empathy and compassion towards someone else. A way of saying, "I understand where you are coming from," "I have been there," "I feel ya."

It's a common saying that many of us say (myself included) when we experience first world problems.

• The free coffee at my work tastes awful: "I Feel Ya"
• Chick Fil'A is closed on Sunday: "I Feel Ya"
• I asked for a Dirty Chai and they gave me a Chai with Mocha in it: "I Feel Ya"
• I'm hungry but not for any of the foods in my house: "I Feel Ya"

Today in church, that was the focus of the message. The message really focused on the problem of pain. Where it comes from and how we should process the pain.

Pain comes from all sorts of places. Death, Fear, Disappointment. Pain comes when our expectations are not met.

• When we expect to make a certain amount of money, and we don't.
• When we expect to be at a certain place in our lives, and we aren't.
• When we expect to be married by a certain age, and we aren't.
• When we expect to have children, and we miscarry. 
• When we expect to have our loved ones live, and they die.

When expectations are not met, we feel disappointment. And when we feel disappointment, we feel pain. 

So what do we do? How should we process pain? John 20:11-18 says

Mary was standing outside the tomb, crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. "Dear woman, why are you crying?" the angels asked her. 

"Because they have taken away my Lord," she replied, "and I don't know where they have put him." 

She turned and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn't recognize him. "Dear woman, why are you crying?" Jesus asked her. "Who are you looking for?" 

She thought he was the gardener. "Sir," she replied, "if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go get him."

"Mary!" Jesus said.

She turned to him and cried out, "Rabboni!" (which is Hebrew for "Teacher").

"Don't cling to me," Jesus said, "for I haven't yet ascended to the Father. But go find my brothers and tell them 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God."

How are we supposed to process pain? Pain that is so debilitating that it brings us to our knees and takes our legs out from under us. The first thing we have to do (which I admit, is probably the worst of all of the steps... and you will definitely hate me for this one) is we have to feel the pain. Like I said this is probably the worst of all of the steps. I know for me personally, I don't want to feel pain. I avoid it at all costs. So many of us run away from pain like it's the plague but that pain never goes away. Until we sit in it and experience it, it will never go away. Mary had to face her pain. Verses 11-14 describe how Mary went to face the tomb and experience the pain of the death of her friend and teacher. Suddenly she realized that the tomb was empty and that two strangers were sitting in the place of her Lord. How terrifying right? But she felt the pain. She experienced it and that's one thing we all need to do if we ever stand a chance at moving past our pain.

The second thing we have to do is give our pain to Jesus. In verse 15, Jesus asks Mary why she is troubled and why she is so sad. She confessed her pain to Jesus, who she thought was the gardener at first, but she gave her pain to Jesus nonetheless. Psalms 34:18 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The only way to be rescued is to reach out and ask for help.

The third and final step to processing pain, is to understand the purpose of the pain. In verse 16, Jesus calls out to Mary by name. He knows her. He knows what she is feeling. There is a purpose for her pain and He was there to show that to her. There is a purpose for the pain we experience. And we may not see it right away. But we will. What's more important is that Jesus feels our pain. In verse 17, Jesus tells Mary, "I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God." He feels our pain. He knows what it is like. If that isn't comfort enough, then I am not sure what is. 

Pain is a terrible thing and it is definitely not something that we can minimize, especially when helping someone through it. We can't expect someone to right away understand the purpose of the pain. Feeling the pain is something that has to happen first before any of the other steps can happen. So here's my advice, if you know someone who is in pain, know where they are at in their pain. Don't try to fix them or pull them out of it or say "Oh don't worry, God is gonna use this pain and turn it into something great." Cause even though it is true, it is not something they want to hear or will help in any way shape or form. Just be with them. Meet them in their pain. Support them. Love them. Hug them. Sit in silence with them. Cry with them. Help them feel their pain. Then and only then, can they begin to process the rest of their pain.