In a recent post I mentioned that I have written down some new years resolutions and have already crossed a couple off of the list. One of those resolutions was to go out on a date.
Yes... I am 28 years old and, until this year, have never been on a date...
Now that you are over the shock, let me explain. I AM AN INTROVERT!!!! In case you haven't already read that from my other posts. I also never really tried to date anyone. And no one ever asked me on a date so it just never really happened. This year I decided that it was time to get out of my shell a little bit and try to put myself out there a little more. So I joined eHarmony (after trying a few other dating websites and apps... shout out to Tinder y'all).
After about a month on eHarm, I finally went out on my very first date ever. The guy was really nice and paid for everything. Our conversation was alright so I agreed to go out with him agin. Our second date was basically a repeat of the first and since we already talked about the big stuff the last time we went out, the second date ended up being really boring so I said no to the third date.
A few weeks later, I started talking to this guy on eHarm and he seemed really cool. He was super funny, had a good job, and was in school to become a nurse. He seemed to have all of the qualities I wanted except for one major problem... He was not a Christian.
Nevertheless, I figured, what's the harm in just meeting up for coffee. It's not like I have to marry the guy right? I'm just trying out this "dating" thing so that when I meet my future husband, I am not a total idiot who has no idea what I'm doing. So I met him for coffee.
He was super nice and funny and very upfront about many things including past relationships. He seemed to be very experienced in the long term relationship area whereas I admitted to him that I was not. We talked for a long time and ended the night with a hug and a text goodnight.
We met up later that week for a beer at talked more through some of the things we talked about at coffee and over the phone throughout the week. I had mentioned to him at coffee that I had never really "done the relationship thing" before, but explained later in a phone call that having not "done the relationship thing" means, I have not really ever been on many dates and had never been kissed... etc. This worried him a little I guess, and so he asked me if this was really something I wanted to do? If I wanted to do the relationship/dating thing or if it was something that I was being pressured into by friends and coworkers. This question really made me stop and think for myself. I had never really asked myself if this was something I wanted. I mean... I want to get married and have kids and have a family of my own and this is what you are supposed to do to get there right? I answered yes in the moment because I figured that if I want to get married and have kids someday, this is what I have to do to make that happen.
So I told him yeah, I was ready for this. And he was kind and said we could take things slow and that he really likes me and he really wants to see where this goes... etc. etc. We talked for awhile longer, then he walked me to my car. We sort of made plans for another date and after a hug goodbye, he leaned in for the kiss...
I felt like my life flashed before my eyes. I had no idea what to do or how to act or if I was doing it right and it felt like it lasted forever and my mind was racing and so many things were going through my head that I can't even tell you if it was a good kiss. He said goodnight (I think... I'm not sure... I sort of blacked out...) and walked away, I got in my car and literally lost it.
Panic set in and I started crying. Like I said, I don't know if it was a good kiss or a bad kiss so that's not why I was crying I don't think. Or maybe it was because I just didn't know.... Was I any good at it? What if I sucked? What if I didn't? I don't even know what happened... I didn't know if I even liked this guy. I didn't know if this was really what I wanted to be doing or if I was ready for this. I didn't feel like I deserved to be kissed so of course it was a bad kiss right? Because I'm probably a terrible kisser because I have never kissed anyone before in my life.... And on and on and on... my brain was going a hundred miles a minute and I couldn't make it stop. I spent half of the night up crying in my bed because my insecurities and fears and frustrations were boiling over and I couldn't contain them anymore. I spent the whole next day at work basically in tears, hearing my friends at work and those closest to me tell me that I deserve this and that it's ok to be scared and that I am beautiful and blah blah blah, but unable to let those words into my heart and accept them as truth.
It wasn't until the next morning that God really shook me awake and reminded me of who I am in HIM. I met with my sisterhood group from church and they spoke suck truth into my life and I actually heard them. People have told me these things forever. I know that God has a plan for my life and that it is good and perfect, but for some reason, I got it into my head that I had to help him make it happen. Somehow I got it into my head that if it wasn't happening yet, then I was doing something wrong. But these women who have become my friends spoke over me in a way that I so needed in that moment. They reminded of who I am in Christ and His promises for me and how I shouldn't be settling for something that is just good. Because this guy was good. He was a nice guy who said all the right things and who was kind and sweet. He was good. But something in me knew it wasn't right. Something in me was screaming out saying, "Wait... I have something GREAT for you." It's the hardest thing to do sometimes to hold out for something great. But it is the most rewarding thing you can do. Wait on the Lord, because He has something GREAT planned for your life!
I broke things off with that guy (which I don't even know if you can call it that because we literally only went on two dates), and got off of eHarm, and now I am waiting for something great!
No comments:
Post a Comment