Sunday Funday

Lately I have been thinking about how thankful I am to be living where I am (get ready for a mushy, sappy, post... deal with it). About a year ago I moved in with some new roommates and the last few months I have been beyond thankful and blessed to be here with them.

Let me explain. When I went to college, I never really 'WENT' to college. Don't get me wrong, college was great even though it took forever. But it wasn't something I ever really got into. I never really moved out and into dorms to meet new people. Not that that was a bad thing or that I feel like I missed out of something, but I just had a different experience than a lot of other people. I got a taste of what it was like to have roommates working at camp, but even that was different. Small confined spaces with two or three other girls and community living is it's own beast all together.

When I finally moved out, I moved in with my parent's friends which was a HUGE blessing that I still am not sure if I deserved and can never really pay back for. After that I moved in with two strangers who happened to be sisters and owned their own house. That in itself was another huge blessing as they were great roommates; kind, caring, funny, and always tried to include me in their lives. Still it was something I had to get used to and I am sure with time, we could have gotten a lot closer.

But then I moved in with Megan and Jordan and everything changed. I am not sure what it is exactly, but there is just a comfort with these two. We hang out, watch TV together, make dinner together, and just enjoy each other's company. But at the same time, we are completely independent and have our own schedules and lives. I think that's why this works so well. We are independent but also bring out the good in each other. They have helped me come out of my shell a little and experience things that I might not have otherwise done on my own.

Things are just easy with them and I think that's where this post is coming from. My favorite thing that we have done recently has been our church outings. Not every Sunday but at least two Sundays a month for the last couple of months, the three of us go pick up our Starbucks and get our coffee and breakfast, then go to church together. We bounced around and tried out a few different churches but I think we have settled on a new church in downtown Sac called Project church.

It's small and maybe not something that many people would find significant, but for me the last few weekends, I have just felt abundantly blessed and thankful to be where I am. Thanks guys for welcoming me in and making me laugh until I cry (or nearly pee my pants). Thanks for including me and pushing me out of my shell. You guys are the best.

Alright. Mushiness is over. You can go back to your lives.

Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?

Have you ever heard a sermon that just sort of woke you up? Not that it is anything new or something you have never heard before, but someone makes a connection that wasn't apparent to you before. Last weekend I went to a new church with my roommates (more on that later in another post). This church is currently looking at the final words of Jesus on the cross and the guest speaker (who was very boring and monotone and had a stutter but had good stuff to say) looked at Matthew 27:46 which says

At about three o'clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

It's a passage we have all hear before but one that I never really saw the depth and complexity of. The speaker went all the way back to the story of Exodus and the first Passover where each family was instructed to choose a lamb with no defects to sacrifice. Each family was instructed to slaughter their lamb at twilight which translated means around 3 o'clock. They also had to take some of the blood on a hyssop branch and smear it on the sides and top of the wooden door frames of the house before they ate the animal. The Israelites were instructed to eat their meal with their shoes on, being fully dressed and ready to move at a moments notice. Again... All stuff we have heard before...

Later in John 19, the account of Jesus' death says that it was the day of passover and around noon when Jesus was condemned to be crucified. When Jesus was nailed on the cross his blood covered the wooden cross from his hands, feet, and head. While on the cross Jesus said, "I am thirsty" and the guards dipped a sponge in some sour wine and raised it up to his lips on the end of a hyssop branch! What??? A hyssop branch??? How have I not noticed that before???

Which brings me to the passage in Matthew. At 3 o'clock, Jesus called out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" 3 o'clock? Are you kidding me?

My mind was seriously blown. I know that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. He was the perfect spotless lamb that took on the sins of the world. He fulfilled and covered us with his blood so that we might live. It's something that I have always known and have believed, but there was something about this sermon that just got to me.

Maybe it's the Easter season. Maybe being in the middle of Passion week has made me just sit and think and be thankful for what Christ did for us. But during this week, I am so thankful for the perfect spotless lamb who covered us with his blood so that the angel of death might passover us. During this week, I pray that you are will find yourself covered with the blood of the Lamb. I pray that you will be a sojourner with God in His story. And more importantly, if you are feeling forsaken, know that you are in good company!

On Point!

Some days while teaching, lessons flop. There are days when it is a struggle to keep kids engaged. Some days it's like pulling teeth to get kids to respond to the simplest of questions and as a teacher I stand in the front of the room feeling like a idiot waiting in awkward silence. There are definitely way too many of those days and it's one of my goals to cut down on those days.

But then there are days like today. Days when your lesson is fun and engaging. Days when you can get kids to laugh and enjoy the lesson while still making sure that they comprehend the material. Days when your assessment acutally feels worthwhile and has a purpose beyond grades. I have this one class that is silent. Half of the class is made up of international kids and the other half are the quiet/shy kids. So getting them to participate and engage in the lesson is struggle to say the least. But today was different. Today I was excited about the lesson and about some silly ways that I was able to interact with another class the day before. Most of my lessons involve me explaining a concept, showing the class and example and then working through and exampel with the class. After that I will usually check to see how well they are able to apply that concept by having the  class try a problem on their own and then we go over the problem together. Usually I tell the class to turn to their neighbor when they are finished and check their answers with them. Well, with this class, that rarely happens so I start having them say the words "I've got it" when they are finished so that I know that they are done and we can go over the problem and move on with the lesson. Even the "I've got its" are hard to get my students to say because they are just silent. So today I tried something different. I had a little bit of leverage because they wanted to see what grades they got on their tests so that definitely helped. But I told the class that we would not move on until I heard every single person say "I've got it." But that was sort of boring. So instead of saying "I've got it," I told them they had to SING "I've got it." When the first couple of students wispered "I've got it" I told them that we would not be moving on until I heard the whole class singing. Believe it or not, it worked. The kids started giggling and snickering about having to sing, but it woke them up. They start participating more than they have ever participated in the past and seemed to not only understand the lesson, but enjoy the lesson. The next problem I switched it up and instead of having them sing "I've got it" I had them say it in spanish "Yo lo tengo." I can't tell you how funny it was to see my Chinese and Vietnames kids saying "Yo lo tengo" but it was the ice breaker I feel that we desperately needed.

I don't know if that was the trick and I highly doubt that I will go in on Monday to a completely transformed and enlightened class, but for today, I felt like I was not only doing my job but that I was doing it well. 

Let's Hear it for the Moms!

Screw what Deniece Williams said when she said "Let's Hear it for the Boy." I say, Let's Hear it for the Moms. Moms are amazing individuals and seriously gifts to all mankind. 

Being so far away from my family is hard. I miss my family all of the time and wish I could just cruise over to their house and say hello. This weekend I went home and got to spend some quality time with my mom (and my dad... sorry dad... I love you too... Promise! And that Valentines gift was SOOOOO amazing!!!! Thank YOU!!!!). I had a cold last week too so going home and having my mom take care of me was especially amazing! There is no one else that I want when I am sick other than my mommy. When I got home, I was exhausted from a long (even though it was a day shorter) week of work. The drive home was long and awful and there was traffic and trucks and people were just idiots on the road. I pulled into the driveway and seriously just about lost it. I was in no mood to say hello or chat and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. My mom (who had been sleeping before I got home) got out of bed, filled up the humidifier, grabbed a jar of vicks vapor rub, and found some NyQuil so all I had to do was go to sleep. She then made me one of my favorite soups the next night which basically knocked out what was left of my cold. There really is nothing like going to your mom and having her take care of you.

And while there is nothing like going home and having your mom take care of you, there are glimpses of that everywhere. Like I said, being away from my family has been hard. I love them and leaving them after a visit gets a little harder everytime, but it's crazy how God knows how I feel and gives me moms all around me. Not only do I have a surrogate family up here in the Burgs, but I have coworkers and friends who take care of me and love me just like my mommy does. It definitely doesn't replace what I have but it does make this a little easier. Tonight I went to dinner with some coworkers and friends and the moms took care of us kids. I love that. I can't tell you how much of a blessing it is to be taken care of by a mom. So that's why tonight, I am saying Let's Hear it for the Moms.

One of the biggest desires of my heart is to be a mom. I hope and pray that one day I get to be a mom. And bless my kids and other peoples kids the way my mom and my surrogate moms have blessed me.

Crazy Thinking...

I had a thought yesterday. And I think it's crazy. Like I seriously might have just lost my mind. But I have been reading this book and as I was reading this book, I had an idea. This crazy, possibly stupid idea. I think I should write a book.

It's something that my mom told me I should do awhile ago but I didn't really believe her. I mean, your mom is always your number one fan and my mom has definitely been one to believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. But writing a book? Really? No. I teach math. There is no way. 

But while reading Donald Miller's new book, it just sort of hit me. I could actually do this. I have a story to tell. I don't even know what the full story is or how to put it all together. I don't even know that it would be worth reading or that anyone would want to read it (other than my mom). But for the first time I feel like it's actually something I could do. "Sometimes the story we're telling the world isn't half as endearing as the one that lives inside us." I feel like there is a story inside of me and I a, excited at the possibility of letting it out. 

Scary Close

I started reading this book last week. It's Donald Millers new book, Scary Close and it is already topping the best sellers lists so you better get your hands on it now. Anyway, I'm a little over halfway through the book and I already have been rocked and wrecked. Thanks Don. 

The book is about relationships. But it's not like a I Kissed Dating Goodbye self help style book. While he does talk about his relationship with his then fiancé now wife, it's not solely about romantic relationships (although it is a great guide in that regards as well). But it's a book about relationships in their purest form. It's about being your true self and not acting and putting on a show for people but to truly become intimate in our relationships. To become vulnerable and open ourselves up, but at the same time protect ourselves from people who manipulate us and constantly take from the relationship. 

I always thought I was good at relationships. I mean, I can come into a classroom and know that I have to be vulnerable in order to gain the trust and respect of my students. But is that just a show? Am I just trying to perform in order to impress these kids? I don't think that I am but how can I be sure? But in my real life, my day to day life, I think I suck at relationships. Or maybe I'm good at them but not in the way that I should be. I have never felt true intimacy with someone. Not physical intimacy, but an intimacy of knowing who someone is and the, knowing me. Maybe it's my introvert tendencies, or maybe that's what I use as my scapegoat too often so I don't open myself up to new possibilities. Maybe that's why I'm still single. Maybe that's why I have yet to find a Boosm Friend/Kindred Spirit (I was listening to Anne of Green Gables in the car driving home today... I love that book and have always hoped to one day find a Boosm Friend). 

One thing I have realized though while reading this book is that "in order to experience a meaningful life, [I] have to face the fear of jumping in -- not just in relationships, but in life, in [my] career and [my] rest and [my] play." In order to ever stand a chance at having a meaning relationship with anyone (romantic or not), I have to be vulnerable. I can't put on a show and try to impress anyone. I have to be me. This is definitely not something that can happen overnight. And it's something I am going to have to work on. But I want to work on it. I want to try. It's super scary. But it's sort of exciting too right?

Sometimes I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am actually doing what I am supposed to be doing. Like am I supposed to be teaching? Could I be doing something else? Would I be happier doing something else? Or wouldn't it be nice to have a job that I could actually leave at work and not take home with me? Wouldn't it be nice to not spend 4 hours on a weekend planning and grading for the upcoming week? Is this really worth it? 

I've been feeling this a lot lately. Just sort of feel like I am going through the motions, getting the job done. Other days it takes all that is in me not to bite a kid's head off. Then there are days when I am just annoyed and act like a total bitch to my kids. Not because I hate them but just because I am irritated by people around me. I try to turn it off but the bitchiness keeps coming out. Then I wonder how kids could ever respect me or even like me when I am such a bitch to them sometimes. 

Then there are those moments when every doubt you ever had comes crashing to a halt. Those moments when God says, "Calm down. You are just where I want you to be. You are still my child and I am well pleased with you." 

Recently I have had two of those moments. The fist came last Friday night at a school event. STUCO put on this Mock Rock thing which was like a lip sync battle. I was a judge and guest starred in one of the groups ("Hold On" by Wilson Phillips... You know... The one from Bridesmaids...). The event was a huge success and the kids had a blast. There were even parents and kids from other schools who came and really enjoyed the event. After it was over and people were mingling, I met one of my senior's dads. This particular student was one that I did the song with earlier. She has been my student for the three years I have been at this school and she is one of my favs (I mean... I don't have favs... ;-)). Anyway, I met her dad that night for the first time and he said, "thank you for loving our kids. Like for reals. It is so obvious that you love these kids and they love you. They talk about you all of the time and going up on stage with them tonight was not an easy thing to do I am sure but they loved every second of it. I just can tell that you love these kids and I really appreciate that." 

Let's just say I almost lost it right then and there. But it meant a lot to hear that someone sees my heart. Not that any of what I do needs justification or validation from anyone but God, but it sure is nice to hear it when it comes. 

The second reminder came from a student yesterday after a particularly bitchy day. It was after school and I was working in my room before soccer practice. This hour of time has become really nice for me since most kids go home and I get to have a little bit of prep time (my prep period is 7th which has turned into an impromptu study hall so I don't get anything done so that hour after school is great!). During this time there are usually a couple of students lingering either waiting for their sports practice or just trying to get homework done. I have one student whose sister is playing soccer and though she is a senior and can drive home, she chooses to stay at school to get her work done. Yesterday it was just she and I in my room (another student had just walked out from asking me a question), and out of nowhere she said, "Miss Andrews, I'm so glad you are here." At first I didn't understand what she meant. I thought maybe she was just happy to be sitting on my couch after school and she was glad I was at school still so she had a place to sit. I asked her what she meant and she said, "I am just glad that you teach here. You are a great teacher and just really love us. And, I dunno... I'm just glad you are here."  

Cue the tears again because they definitely started coming. I don't know what it is but whenever those feelings of doubt creep into my mind, God is so faithful to send me little reminders that I am right where I need to be for this moment in my life. He sends me people to remind me and tell me "this is my child with whom I am well pleased." I am so thankful for those reminders. 

Best Part of 2014???

Commence the obligatory/clique New Years post (only two weeks after the new year started... no big deal). Or at least that's what it feels like.

But it is a new year and as this new year begins, I thought I might think back a little on this last year. I spent New Year's Eve with some friends and we sat by the fire, played catchphrase, did some karaoke, and just laughed and laughed. Before heading out to the party someone asked me what the best part of this last year was and I seriously had to stop and think about it for awhile. I couldn't for the life of me think of what good happened last year. Not that I am saying it was a terrible year and I'm glad to be rid of it. I think the worst thing that happened was losing my grandma last February, but that really was the biggest event that happened the entire year. Everything else, although mixed with good and bad was just sort of so-so.

What's worse is I can't for the life of me really remember what happened last year. How sad is that? Is my life that boring and pitifal that I can't recall the events of this last year? Forget trying to remember anything beyond that. I seriously sometimes wonder if my Alzheimers is kicking in already. Too soon? I know. Sorry.

So in an attempt to spark my brain and recall the happenings of this last year, I am going to make a list of stuff that happened. Good, bad, ugly, things I was thankful for, blessings, etc. Here's what I remember.

• My Grandma passed away. (the bad)
• My Grandma went to be with Jesus! (the good)
• I got a raise at work. (blessing. shoot, I almost forgot about that one)
• I started my Masters. (Finally)
• I moved into a new house with roommates that I know, love, and trust. (not that my last roommates were bad. Honestly, they were probably the best situation I could be in with absolute strangers. But there were just that. Strangers).
• I got an ipad. (I know... trivial right? but it is so nice to be able to read my textbooks and actual books on my ipad instead of my cell phone)
• I turned 27. (I don't want to talk about it)
• My closest friend and coworker got a new job. (this one was hard... still kinda is)
• I was blessed to find and get closer to two other coworkers. (honestly don't know if I would have made it this far through the year without them)
• I went to the Grand Canyon and nearly froze to death while camping with my mother. (still one of the best trips I have ever taken)
• I saw Ingrid Michaelson and Brandi Carlile twice (ok... Brandi might have been once with the other time the year before but like I said, my memory sucks and I am gonna say it happened last year sometime)
• I was "noticed" at work. (Now this is a big one for me. I am most definitely an introvert and am an ISFJ which means I love serving people and being behind the scenes. I work my ass off and don't really look for or expect any recognition. But then when I actually get it. When someone says, "Hey, I notice you and I appreciate what you do." or "Where would we be without you." or "I see you. You are not invisible even though you are perfectly comfortable being that way." When someone sees me. I can't even explain that feeling.)
• I started going to a new church that reminds me of what church is supposed to look like. 
• I went on a vacation completely by myself (it was a dream... no joke.
• I played beer pong, flip cup, kings cup, and way too many other drinking games that I have never played before in my life. (sorry mom and dad!)
• I read all of John Green's books (well... The ones he wrote himself... I'm a teenage girl... I know)
• I cried probably more than a normal person should. (Usually because of fictional characters). 
• I laughed harder than I thought was humanly possible.

I know there was WAY WAY more that happened last year, but I am tapped out. So to answer the question that I couldn't answer before, "What was the best part of 2014 for me?" All of it. The whole thing. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

And I Teach Children...

Sometimes I wonder how I am at all qualified to work with children... Let me explain...

Last week on Wednesday I fell in love... Well... maybe not love... but it sure did feel like it... I was at the girl's volleyball game when in walks an extremely attractive tattooed man with his little boy. As it turns out that very attractive man sat in front of me and I got to watch the game while watching him and his very cute son Aiden as well. As he sat there in front of me I did the necessary ring check to see if there was a chance and as it turns out... No Ring... I spent the rest of the game making faces with his son and playing some Peek-a-Boo stuff, but said nothing to him. While sitting next to him I found out that he was the club volleyball coach of one of my studnets. So after the game, I asked my student for the 411 on him. All the while, still never saying a word to him... I found out his name and much more about his personal life and as it turns out, he is quite a catch! When they tried to introduce me to him, I ran away and hid... No joke...

Why? What if I am not his type? He is way out of my league. There is no way that someone like that could ever like someone like me. I am no where near the shape that I should be in. And he is like, a catch! Seriously.

The other day I read a blog post by a good friend who talked about "types" and levels of attractiveness etc. In her post she described a similar situation as the one I just mentioned and asked what a 'type' is anyway? Why do we beat ourselves up so much? Her post convicted me so much when I read it, yet when this happened last week, I retreated right back into my world of self loathing and low self esteem.

I hate that I retreat into this place. And what I hate even more is that I am supposed to teach children to love themselves and be confident and to reach for their dreams. How am I qualified to work with students and tell them that they are precious to the King of Kings when I obviously stuggle daily to believe it myself?

So today I took a step. I knew this guy was going to be at the volleyball game so I put on makeup, made sure my hair was done right, wore my good boots and made it a point to at least meet him. I walked in right behind him, followed him up the stairs and then sat far away from him. The game eventually ended and I made my rounds and said hello and hugged all of my girls except for the one student that connects the two of us. I saw her talking to him and seriously considered running the other direction. But then I took a deep breath, walked over to my student and gave her a hug. She then introduced me to her coach and we chatted for a few brief moments before I walked away to hide.

Pitiful, I know. But it was a step. And even though I am currently overwhelmed with feelings of inferiority and self-doubt, I can say that I took a step. That has to be good for something right?

Dear Lord,

When feelings of inferiority, insecurity, 

and self doubt creep into my heart, 

help me to see myself the way that you do;

A daughter of the King.

High Expectations...

Are my expectations too high?  The last month or so I have really been wrestling with this question. Expectations are a funny thing. They can be a lot to live up to. And they are everywhere. Expectations you have for yourself. Expectations you have for other people. Expectaions people have of you. And what happens if you don't measure up? What happens if you can't measure up.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It started really when I started getting a TON of complaints about my PreCalculus Honors class. As it turns out, many of these students have never had to work hard in math in their entire lives and my class has been a rather rude awakening for them to say the least. Many couldn't handle the pressure and dropped the class without even trying. Some switched to a lower level and are having much more success there. Some have decided to stick it out but are struggling every step of the way. Nothing has changed in my curriculum in the last year. I am teaching the exact same material as years past. So what's different? Why is this class such a struggle for so many of them? Is it me?

And then there is this whole trying to hold kids accountable for their actions and choices. Handing out demerits for missing assignments and being the unofficial "dresscode nazi"... holding the bar constant for all of my kids. Holding them accountable when they miss school for suspensions despite resistance or lack of support from administration or even parents for that matter. Am I wrong? Should I fold? Everyone else is saying it's ok, so why shouldn't I? If their parents aren't holding them accountable, then why should I?

I have come to the conclusion that I have high expectations. And I don't think that is going to change anytime soon. I am not doing anyone any favors by letting them skate by with less then what I expect. Life does not let you skate by. Life will hand these kids much worse than I could ever give them and if I am not going to hold that bar for these kids, then who will?