Whatcha Say?

I just finished writing the rough draft of my English Essay on Out (a novel I had to read for the class) and I have to say I am filled with a lot of anxiety about it. Tomorrow we are having a peer editing group to get our papers ready to turn in by Thursday. I get so nervous when I let other people read my papers. Is it any good? Do I sound like a fool in my paper? Sometimes I feel like the things I say are way less then educated... is that how I write? What if my paper sucks? What if they laugh at me? What if it's terrible and I have to throw the whole thing out? Then What will I write about? What if I didn't say enough? What if I said too much? What if? What if?

What if's suck! I know that peer editing groups are good and I know I will get good, honest feedback on my paper, but I am still super nervous. This is why I like math so much... There is one right answer and there is usually a right way to get there... With papers and writing, you can say whatever you want and you may or may not get it right... We'll see what happens tomorrow. I'm going to attempt some sleep. Maybe since I got all of these questions out of my head I may actually sleep tonight...

PS: one of my new favorite things is the cover of Whatcha Say. So great!

I Keep Rolling On

This weekend was pretty good. Actually now that I think about it, it was really good. Friday I went into work. The kids were all getting back from their camping trips which made for a mellow afternoon. The kids were all really good and I even was able to get off at 7 (about two and a half hours earlier than normal...) I had switched my sleepover duties with Tami so I could swing by camp for Seeds (the Jr High Girls retreat). I went straight over to camp and was able to catch the tail end of dinner and the evening gathering and campfire (my favorite!). After the campfire I went home and to bed just to wake up early the next morning for Counselor Coffee. It was really nice to hang out with some of the counselors from summer before heading over to work for the day. Work was good... The kids were still super tired from camping and were really mellow. My little 6th grader that usually exhausts me's mom came to visit him Saturday which was great. I actually got to just hang out with the kids and not have to worry about him. I got off at 10 and headed back over to camp for the Seeds sleepover party. When I got there they were having a dance party and I helped Nae DJ. The party went pretty late and then I helped Holly clean up/set up for breakfast the next morning. I think I got home a little after 12 and went to bed. Again counselor coffee the nex morning and then work. El was gone Sunday so I was in charge with one other teacher on duty with me. We went up to Santa Barbara for the day. She took some kids to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs while I got to spend the whole afternoon hanging out with a gril named Hevyn (all of her friends went home for the weekend and so we were buddies for the day). Hevyn is such a sweet kid which it's hard to see sometimes with the people she hangs out with. But it was really nice to spend the afternoon with her. We sat in Borders reading for a couple hours before getting some coffee and walking around people watching. We played a little in the Apple store before heading back to the bus. All in all it was a really mellow, nice weekend (despite not really sleeping at all... but you can sleep when you're dead right?)

For now I keep rolling on. Writing papers, doing homework, and just trying to keep breathing (I've been listening to a lot of Ingrid Michaelson lately so that is an Ingrid reference).

Familiar Faces

I realized as I sat in my last class that my last entry was a little depressing so I thought I would clarify a few things. Sometimes I am sad. It happens to everyone; some more than others. But it happens non-the-less. These last couple of weeks I will be the first to admit that I have been a little on the sad side. No particular reason (maybe it's the birthday... maybe it's stress...) but I will say that I have been on that side of the track for a little bit. I am however trying to find joy in things around me to bring me out of this funk I seem to be finding myself in:

One thing bringing me joy right now are familiar faces. Yes I see the same people at youth group and work but I mean faces that show up in places I wouldn't really expect. For example yesterday at Disneyland (I know, how can anyone be sad while at Disneyland... it happens... trust me) I ran into two of my favorite people from camp (that's probably not fair to say, but I couldn't tell you how many favorites I had from camp... there are a lot!): the lovely Courtney Clayton (it was her birthday and it was nice to see her) and Abby Rich (she was a counselor the first week of camp and we had some good times together). Those two alone brought a smile to my face, but then today at school I ran into Piper and Emy. It was great to see people I knew at school, even if it was just to give them a little wave and go on my way to class. And just when I thought the familiar faces were over, I ran into Kathy Bergman on my quick stop at Trader Joes. It's great how a familiar face can just make you feel at home.

Other things bringing me joy right now:

• Driving down to LAX on the PCH as the sun is rising... Beautiful!
• Not quite ripe Yellow Nectarines... the reason I say not quite ripe is because I like them a little crunchy and tart. When they get ripe, they are usually softer and juicier and sweeter and while they are good, I much prefer them crunchy.
• Great feedback on my English paper. We had to read the book Out by Natsuo Kirino (it's a novel about 4 Japanese women who work in a factory together and are "friends." One of them murders her husband and the other three help her cover up the murder... I hate reading and when I do read, it's never fiction, but I actually enjoyed this book... very grusome and violent but a good read non-the-less) and we are supposed to write a 5-7 page essay on a specific theme or topic or character in the book and somehow relate it to our class theme (feminism). The prompt was super broad making it so we could write about almost anything which always makes me nervous. But the intro paragraph and outline were due today and we got into small groups to discuss our papers and help each other out. Everyone in my group gave me great feedback and they all really liked my intro. The professor even came over and said that she really liked my intro. I know, big deal, you're doing well on a paper right? But here's the thing, I don't consider myself a good writer and I have always struggled (in my opinion) with English and papers. So the positive feedback was really comforting and reasuring and I think I can actually finish this paper with confidence.
• And finally, and it may sound dumb but here it goes, Red Sunflowers. I stopped in at TJoes today to pick up some stuff for dinner and there were these beautiful Red Sunflowers staring at me. No reason really why I liked them. They just made me smile.

So here's where I stand. Trying to find joy. And actually succeeding.

Two things before I finish this post:

1. Please be praying for Daisy Love Merrick. She is the daughter of Britt Merrick, the teaching pastor at Reality Carpinteria (the church my parents attend and call their home). Monday doctors found a tumor the size of a nerf football taking up most of her abdomen and today doctor's were able to remove the entire tumor. She is still going to need Chemo and the recovery is going to be crazy but please pray for healing on her little body. For details and updates on little Daisy Love, visit their blog.
2. And two, something that stuck out to me as I was driving home today:

Savior I come, Quiet my soul, remember
Redemptions hill where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom. Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself, I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

Word Vomit

Ok... So I tried to be good about blogging, but for some reason I can't seem to sit down at a computer long enough to process all of the thoughts that I would like to share with you. My laptop crashed about six months ago and since then I have been sharing a computer with Janae and my parents. A couple of years ago, it wouldn't have made a difference because my parents hardly even knew what a computer was (just kidding guys... that's an exaggeration). But as they learn more and more about it (Facebook for example), I seem to see less and less of the computer. And when I do see the computer I feel bad sitting there for hours at a time spilling out my thoughts for the world to see (or the two people who actually read my blog)...

Let's try and do a quick catch up shall we....

Work started a couple of weeks ago and it has been going really well for the most part. I have a new boss this year and she isn't around as much as Dave was which puts me in charge a lot. I don't have a problem taking charge but it kinda sucks to not be getting paid for it... Our kids this year are great so far. No major problems as of yet but it's still pretty early in the year. Last weekend was rather exhausting. We have this one little boy who is a 10 year old 6th grader with severe ADD, depression, etc. He doesn't have any friends which means he is with a staff member at all times. Guess who had him all weekend? Yup... I was really tired. But I really feel bad for the kid. We'll see if he makes it through until Thanksgiving but I am kinda thinking he won't... I've been spending more time with the boys this year (when I am "in charge" it's easier to be in the boy's dorm because it is more centrally located on campus... plus most of the staff members hate being in the boys dorm anyway so I figure I can take it).

School... Oh school... school is ok but stressful and busy. I really like three of my four classes and absolutely hate my forth class (computers). It's one of those classes that almost makes you forget that you like your other classes because of the big black cloud hovering over you making you not even want to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe that's being dramatic but I actually really hate it...

I've decided I hate my birthday. I love other people's birthdays. I love celebrating them and enjoying them, but I hate my own. It's weird and people sometimes get mad at me about it but I really get freaked out/depressed around my birthday. I get all anxious and find myself struggling to find air to breath. I want to curl up in a ball away from the world for the week. It's weird I know and I wish I could explain it. Maybe it's the attention that freaks me out... Or maybe I worry if anyone will even remember... Or maybe I just feel like every other birthday has been a let down so I just expect it to be a let down... Or maybe I hate that the one day of the year I don't want to be alone, I always find myself feeling the most alone (even when I am not)... Maybe it's a combination of all four... Maybe it's none of those. I don't know. All this to say, I am sorry to anyone who wishes me a happy birthday. I appreciate you all SOOOOOO much and I love that you care and I love that you show it. I am sorry if I don't always show/express that.

Ok... enough word vomit for today... I really do want to try and be better about this to avoid dumping everything into one long/depressing blog.

Black Tuesday?

Today has not been a great day... I woke up, checked my school email and found out that two of my classes were canceled today because the instructors were using their furlough days today (due to the crappy budget cuts their salaries got cut by 10% and they are required to take a set number of furlough days). Great right! I slept awhile longer and then checked my email again and found out that my last class of the day (Computers) was a mandatory attendance day. NOOOO!!!! Last thursday was optional attendance. And all of the homework and class work, I can do at home!!!! But if I didn't show up to this one class today, he threatened to drop me (not just me, everyone... it sounds like I have been ditching which I haven't been... I've been really good about going to class...). Ok, fine... Going to class... On my way there I almost get killed on the freeway by an idiot in a black BMW on his cell phone... Today just isn't a great day and I am kinda in a bad mood... I hope it gets better...