Is That Bad???

Yesterday in church I had a thought (yes my last post had lots of thoughts and yes all of these different thoughts happened over the course of the same service... You have no idea what goes on in my head... sometimes I think if people only knew... anyway...). This particular thought came during the meet and greet part of the service. You know the one? When the announcer tells you to say hi to the people around you and you turn around and shake hands with everyone within an arms reach of you and politely say hello and hope that you don't have to introduce yourself because then you have to say your name which they instantly mispronounce so you have to correct them and then their name which you instantly forget because you are an awful person and care but don't really care... And repeat... (BTW: writing that last sentence was so fun... hahaha) It was during this time that I noticed an attractive man (well... two of them actually...) across the aisle from me. Ring check. No ring. And kept sort of trying to make accidental eye contact with him so that I would be obligated to take the literally 4 steps across the aisle to introduce myself to him. The eye contact never happened and by the time I had planned out what to say and worked up enough courage to walk across the aisle and introduce myself, everyone had already started to sit down and the moment passed. (Yes my last post was about overcoming fear, but I haden't heard the message yet... so don't judge me...)

Long story, sorry, but I promise I am getting to my thought and I think it's worth it. My thought was that I should join a community group at church. Now obviously community is a HUGE part of my faith and it's something that I have been searching for since moving up to Sacramento. I have a family community here and have felt loved and supported in that regards, but I have missed the church community that I once had. So yeah of course I should join a community group right? I mean, this is the first church I have been at that I feel like I actually would enjoy community groups. 

But here is why I wanted/want to join one. If I join a community gorup maybe I will meet a good, single Christian man. Is that awful? Am I allowed to join a community group when really the main reason I want to join is to hopefully meet a single man and fall in love and live happily ever after? 

Yes I could try to justify it all day and say, well, God says we should be in community. And it's biblical to partner with people in the church. And if I join then I can meet new people and maybe find some new friends. And it would get me more involved in the church and blah blah blah blah BLAH!

Is it awful that the primary reason I would join a Community Group would be to meet Single Christian men???

(No seriously, I am asking??? I need some feedback here...)

The Destiny Killer

Do pastors share sermons with each other? The reason I ask is the last two weeks in two different churches, I have heard the exact same sermon from two different pastors. Granted, today's was infinitely better than the other one, I couldn't help but chuckle a little that they were both basically the same message.

But at the same time I had to wonder if God was trying to tell me something. I mean, what are the chances that two different pastors would do the same sermon? So today I made sure to really listen to what God was trying to tell me.

The sermon was about Fear and how we can combat fear. This got me thinking. What am I afraid of? When I started making the list in my head, I ran out of room, but here are some of the highlights in no particular order:

• Haunted Houses: I just don't do scary if you remember from my post from Halloween last year.
• Zombies: Ok... yes I watch the Walking Dead, but some of the nightmares I have are seriously terrifying...
• Not being good enough: I think this is a common one for a lot of people. Nothing super specific about it either. But I guess, not being good enough in my job, in my family, with my friends, my blog, my writing...
• Being the center of attention: This is a weird one because everyday in class, I am the center of attention. But when I teach it's not about me being the center of attention but trying to draw student's attention to math. Does that even make sense? This is probably why I hate my birhtday so much.
• Never getting married: This is one that I have been struggling with for awhile now. It is one of my greatest desires to get married and have a family of my own, but the older I get the more afraid I am that this is never going to happen. I think this is a big one for me becuase the fear is almost paralizing. To the point that I don't even try because I am afraid that I'll get rejected or hurt or again... not good enough... I don't even know... 

(There are definitely more, but these were the first ones that came to my mind.)

Fear Sucks! Fear hinders people. It prevents them from reaching the full destiny that God has designed for them. Fear is a prison. Fear is a Destiny Killer. Today's pastor shared a quote saying "Everything we want is on the other side of fear." And it's so true right? Our greatests wants and desires are just beyond the reach of our fear.

The Bible says a lot about fear, and the Pastor used John 20:19-23 as his example. This passage describes the moment that Jesus revealed himself to his disciples. It says,

That Sunday evening the disciples were meeting behind locked doors because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders. Suddenly, Jesus was standing there among them! "Peace be with you," he said. As he spoke, he showed them the wonds in his hands and his side. They were filled with joy when they saw the Lord! Again he said, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you." Then he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone's sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

So the disciples were afraid and were hiding because of their fear. Then Jesus just appeared. Crazy right? Locked doors couldn't keep him out. So the first step in combating fear is to confront it. We have to face them otherwise they will always be there. The second thing we have to do is is to cultivate joy. When the disciples saw Jesus standing amond them, they were filled with joy. Joy, just as any of the fruits of the spirit must be cultivated and cared for. We can chose joy in the face of unspeakable things. The third step is to change your perspective. If you sit in your fear, you will be trapped in that prison forever. The disciples were filled with Joy "when they saw the LORD!" Their perspectives were changed. Finally, the last step is to channel what is inside of you. John says that Jesus breathed on them and they recieved the Holy Spirit. We have been given everything we need to conqour fear. Jesus has already conqoured the grave so what have we to fear? Isaiah 41:10 says

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Here, He says, "I am your God! I am over, I am by your side, I am inside you, I am around up, and I am under you." Whom shall we fear?

By His stipes, we are healed. By His death we can live. In Jesus Name!
All oppression/Fear will cease. Every capltive released. In Jesus Name!

The oppostie of Fear is Freedom. Walk in His Freedom!

May I Have This Dance?

Since working at a High School, one of my favorite times are the times I get to spend with students outside of the classroom. Don't get me wrong, I love being a teacher. I love being in the classroom and I love when lessons just "work." But there are those times outside of the classroom when as a teacher, I really get to connect with students. And one of those times in these last three years has been in chaperoning dances.

A couple weeks ago I chaperoned our Sadie's dance which was themed "Sadie's in the 80's." As a chaperon, we all break into groups of two and rotate around to different locations in order to keep an eye on the students. I got partnered with my principal and we took the outside shift first so we could see the student's in their 80's outfits as they showed up. While sitting outside in the lull between arrivals, my principle said something that totally took me aback. She said, "Come on Michaela, you know you're going to miss this." I laughed it off a little and said something along the lines of "I love doing this kind of stuff. It's just fun. But it really made me think. Not about whether I would miss chaperoning dances and having connections to kids, but more, did I miss out in high school by not going to dances?

In high school I was not the "dance" type. I really only attended one high school dance which was Senior ball. I just wasn't into going out with people and dancing and being in a sweaty, crowed room with loud music. Maybe it was my introvert tendencies but that just something I wanted to do. Going to all of these dances now as a chaperon, I see how much fun the kids are having and I wonder if I missed out. Now as a teacher I give kids a hard time when they don't want to go to the dance. I give them a even harder time when they come to the dance and don't dance. It takes everything in me while I am at the dance to not jump in and dance with the kids because honestly they just seem like they are having so much fun.

Did I miss out? Am I really regretting not going to the dances like everyone said I would?

Watching the kids at Sadie's I think I realized something. It's not that I missed going to dances or that I missed out on dancing. What I think I missed out on was being comfortable enough with a group of people that I would want to go to a dance and be ridiculous and silly with people. I wasn't a confident kid and was even more of an introvert than I am now if that is even possible. The shear idea of opening up and being crazy with anyone was not even close to my radar in High School.

So, is she right? Am I going to miss this? I think I already did.

Sunday Funday

Lately I have been thinking about how thankful I am to be living where I am (get ready for a mushy, sappy, post... deal with it). About a year ago I moved in with some new roommates and the last few months I have been beyond thankful and blessed to be here with them.

Let me explain. When I went to college, I never really 'WENT' to college. Don't get me wrong, college was great even though it took forever. But it wasn't something I ever really got into. I never really moved out and into dorms to meet new people. Not that that was a bad thing or that I feel like I missed out of something, but I just had a different experience than a lot of other people. I got a taste of what it was like to have roommates working at camp, but even that was different. Small confined spaces with two or three other girls and community living is it's own beast all together.

When I finally moved out, I moved in with my parent's friends which was a HUGE blessing that I still am not sure if I deserved and can never really pay back for. After that I moved in with two strangers who happened to be sisters and owned their own house. That in itself was another huge blessing as they were great roommates; kind, caring, funny, and always tried to include me in their lives. Still it was something I had to get used to and I am sure with time, we could have gotten a lot closer.

But then I moved in with Megan and Jordan and everything changed. I am not sure what it is exactly, but there is just a comfort with these two. We hang out, watch TV together, make dinner together, and just enjoy each other's company. But at the same time, we are completely independent and have our own schedules and lives. I think that's why this works so well. We are independent but also bring out the good in each other. They have helped me come out of my shell a little and experience things that I might not have otherwise done on my own.

Things are just easy with them and I think that's where this post is coming from. My favorite thing that we have done recently has been our church outings. Not every Sunday but at least two Sundays a month for the last couple of months, the three of us go pick up our Starbucks and get our coffee and breakfast, then go to church together. We bounced around and tried out a few different churches but I think we have settled on a new church in downtown Sac called Project church.

It's small and maybe not something that many people would find significant, but for me the last few weekends, I have just felt abundantly blessed and thankful to be where I am. Thanks guys for welcoming me in and making me laugh until I cry (or nearly pee my pants). Thanks for including me and pushing me out of my shell. You guys are the best.

Alright. Mushiness is over. You can go back to your lives.

Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?

Have you ever heard a sermon that just sort of woke you up? Not that it is anything new or something you have never heard before, but someone makes a connection that wasn't apparent to you before. Last weekend I went to a new church with my roommates (more on that later in another post). This church is currently looking at the final words of Jesus on the cross and the guest speaker (who was very boring and monotone and had a stutter but had good stuff to say) looked at Matthew 27:46 which says

At about three o'clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which means "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

It's a passage we have all hear before but one that I never really saw the depth and complexity of. The speaker went all the way back to the story of Exodus and the first Passover where each family was instructed to choose a lamb with no defects to sacrifice. Each family was instructed to slaughter their lamb at twilight which translated means around 3 o'clock. They also had to take some of the blood on a hyssop branch and smear it on the sides and top of the wooden door frames of the house before they ate the animal. The Israelites were instructed to eat their meal with their shoes on, being fully dressed and ready to move at a moments notice. Again... All stuff we have heard before...

Later in John 19, the account of Jesus' death says that it was the day of passover and around noon when Jesus was condemned to be crucified. When Jesus was nailed on the cross his blood covered the wooden cross from his hands, feet, and head. While on the cross Jesus said, "I am thirsty" and the guards dipped a sponge in some sour wine and raised it up to his lips on the end of a hyssop branch! What??? A hyssop branch??? How have I not noticed that before???

Which brings me to the passage in Matthew. At 3 o'clock, Jesus called out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" 3 o'clock? Are you kidding me?

My mind was seriously blown. I know that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. He was the perfect spotless lamb that took on the sins of the world. He fulfilled and covered us with his blood so that we might live. It's something that I have always known and have believed, but there was something about this sermon that just got to me.

Maybe it's the Easter season. Maybe being in the middle of Passion week has made me just sit and think and be thankful for what Christ did for us. But during this week, I am so thankful for the perfect spotless lamb who covered us with his blood so that the angel of death might passover us. During this week, I pray that you are will find yourself covered with the blood of the Lamb. I pray that you will be a sojourner with God in His story. And more importantly, if you are feeling forsaken, know that you are in good company!

On Point!

Some days while teaching, lessons flop. There are days when it is a struggle to keep kids engaged. Some days it's like pulling teeth to get kids to respond to the simplest of questions and as a teacher I stand in the front of the room feeling like a idiot waiting in awkward silence. There are definitely way too many of those days and it's one of my goals to cut down on those days.

But then there are days like today. Days when your lesson is fun and engaging. Days when you can get kids to laugh and enjoy the lesson while still making sure that they comprehend the material. Days when your assessment acutally feels worthwhile and has a purpose beyond grades. I have this one class that is silent. Half of the class is made up of international kids and the other half are the quiet/shy kids. So getting them to participate and engage in the lesson is struggle to say the least. But today was different. Today I was excited about the lesson and about some silly ways that I was able to interact with another class the day before. Most of my lessons involve me explaining a concept, showing the class and example and then working through and exampel with the class. After that I will usually check to see how well they are able to apply that concept by having the  class try a problem on their own and then we go over the problem together. Usually I tell the class to turn to their neighbor when they are finished and check their answers with them. Well, with this class, that rarely happens so I start having them say the words "I've got it" when they are finished so that I know that they are done and we can go over the problem and move on with the lesson. Even the "I've got its" are hard to get my students to say because they are just silent. So today I tried something different. I had a little bit of leverage because they wanted to see what grades they got on their tests so that definitely helped. But I told the class that we would not move on until I heard every single person say "I've got it." But that was sort of boring. So instead of saying "I've got it," I told them they had to SING "I've got it." When the first couple of students wispered "I've got it" I told them that we would not be moving on until I heard the whole class singing. Believe it or not, it worked. The kids started giggling and snickering about having to sing, but it woke them up. They start participating more than they have ever participated in the past and seemed to not only understand the lesson, but enjoy the lesson. The next problem I switched it up and instead of having them sing "I've got it" I had them say it in spanish "Yo lo tengo." I can't tell you how funny it was to see my Chinese and Vietnames kids saying "Yo lo tengo" but it was the ice breaker I feel that we desperately needed.

I don't know if that was the trick and I highly doubt that I will go in on Monday to a completely transformed and enlightened class, but for today, I felt like I was not only doing my job but that I was doing it well. 

Let's Hear it for the Moms!

Screw what Deniece Williams said when she said "Let's Hear it for the Boy." I say, Let's Hear it for the Moms. Moms are amazing individuals and seriously gifts to all mankind. 

Being so far away from my family is hard. I miss my family all of the time and wish I could just cruise over to their house and say hello. This weekend I went home and got to spend some quality time with my mom (and my dad... sorry dad... I love you too... Promise! And that Valentines gift was SOOOOO amazing!!!! Thank YOU!!!!). I had a cold last week too so going home and having my mom take care of me was especially amazing! There is no one else that I want when I am sick other than my mommy. When I got home, I was exhausted from a long (even though it was a day shorter) week of work. The drive home was long and awful and there was traffic and trucks and people were just idiots on the road. I pulled into the driveway and seriously just about lost it. I was in no mood to say hello or chat and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. My mom (who had been sleeping before I got home) got out of bed, filled up the humidifier, grabbed a jar of vicks vapor rub, and found some NyQuil so all I had to do was go to sleep. She then made me one of my favorite soups the next night which basically knocked out what was left of my cold. There really is nothing like going to your mom and having her take care of you.

And while there is nothing like going home and having your mom take care of you, there are glimpses of that everywhere. Like I said, being away from my family has been hard. I love them and leaving them after a visit gets a little harder everytime, but it's crazy how God knows how I feel and gives me moms all around me. Not only do I have a surrogate family up here in the Burgs, but I have coworkers and friends who take care of me and love me just like my mommy does. It definitely doesn't replace what I have but it does make this a little easier. Tonight I went to dinner with some coworkers and friends and the moms took care of us kids. I love that. I can't tell you how much of a blessing it is to be taken care of by a mom. So that's why tonight, I am saying Let's Hear it for the Moms.

One of the biggest desires of my heart is to be a mom. I hope and pray that one day I get to be a mom. And bless my kids and other peoples kids the way my mom and my surrogate moms have blessed me.

Crazy Thinking...

I had a thought yesterday. And I think it's crazy. Like I seriously might have just lost my mind. But I have been reading this book and as I was reading this book, I had an idea. This crazy, possibly stupid idea. I think I should write a book.

It's something that my mom told me I should do awhile ago but I didn't really believe her. I mean, your mom is always your number one fan and my mom has definitely been one to believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. But writing a book? Really? No. I teach math. There is no way. 

But while reading Donald Miller's new book, it just sort of hit me. I could actually do this. I have a story to tell. I don't even know what the full story is or how to put it all together. I don't even know that it would be worth reading or that anyone would want to read it (other than my mom). But for the first time I feel like it's actually something I could do. "Sometimes the story we're telling the world isn't half as endearing as the one that lives inside us." I feel like there is a story inside of me and I a, excited at the possibility of letting it out. 

Scary Close

I started reading this book last week. It's Donald Millers new book, Scary Close and it is already topping the best sellers lists so you better get your hands on it now. Anyway, I'm a little over halfway through the book and I already have been rocked and wrecked. Thanks Don. 

The book is about relationships. But it's not like a I Kissed Dating Goodbye self help style book. While he does talk about his relationship with his then fiancé now wife, it's not solely about romantic relationships (although it is a great guide in that regards as well). But it's a book about relationships in their purest form. It's about being your true self and not acting and putting on a show for people but to truly become intimate in our relationships. To become vulnerable and open ourselves up, but at the same time protect ourselves from people who manipulate us and constantly take from the relationship. 

I always thought I was good at relationships. I mean, I can come into a classroom and know that I have to be vulnerable in order to gain the trust and respect of my students. But is that just a show? Am I just trying to perform in order to impress these kids? I don't think that I am but how can I be sure? But in my real life, my day to day life, I think I suck at relationships. Or maybe I'm good at them but not in the way that I should be. I have never felt true intimacy with someone. Not physical intimacy, but an intimacy of knowing who someone is and the, knowing me. Maybe it's my introvert tendencies, or maybe that's what I use as my scapegoat too often so I don't open myself up to new possibilities. Maybe that's why I'm still single. Maybe that's why I have yet to find a Boosm Friend/Kindred Spirit (I was listening to Anne of Green Gables in the car driving home today... I love that book and have always hoped to one day find a Boosm Friend). 

One thing I have realized though while reading this book is that "in order to experience a meaningful life, [I] have to face the fear of jumping in -- not just in relationships, but in life, in [my] career and [my] rest and [my] play." In order to ever stand a chance at having a meaning relationship with anyone (romantic or not), I have to be vulnerable. I can't put on a show and try to impress anyone. I have to be me. This is definitely not something that can happen overnight. And it's something I am going to have to work on. But I want to work on it. I want to try. It's super scary. But it's sort of exciting too right?

Sometimes I Wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am actually doing what I am supposed to be doing. Like am I supposed to be teaching? Could I be doing something else? Would I be happier doing something else? Or wouldn't it be nice to have a job that I could actually leave at work and not take home with me? Wouldn't it be nice to not spend 4 hours on a weekend planning and grading for the upcoming week? Is this really worth it? 

I've been feeling this a lot lately. Just sort of feel like I am going through the motions, getting the job done. Other days it takes all that is in me not to bite a kid's head off. Then there are days when I am just annoyed and act like a total bitch to my kids. Not because I hate them but just because I am irritated by people around me. I try to turn it off but the bitchiness keeps coming out. Then I wonder how kids could ever respect me or even like me when I am such a bitch to them sometimes. 

Then there are those moments when every doubt you ever had comes crashing to a halt. Those moments when God says, "Calm down. You are just where I want you to be. You are still my child and I am well pleased with you." 

Recently I have had two of those moments. The fist came last Friday night at a school event. STUCO put on this Mock Rock thing which was like a lip sync battle. I was a judge and guest starred in one of the groups ("Hold On" by Wilson Phillips... You know... The one from Bridesmaids...). The event was a huge success and the kids had a blast. There were even parents and kids from other schools who came and really enjoyed the event. After it was over and people were mingling, I met one of my senior's dads. This particular student was one that I did the song with earlier. She has been my student for the three years I have been at this school and she is one of my favs (I mean... I don't have favs... ;-)). Anyway, I met her dad that night for the first time and he said, "thank you for loving our kids. Like for reals. It is so obvious that you love these kids and they love you. They talk about you all of the time and going up on stage with them tonight was not an easy thing to do I am sure but they loved every second of it. I just can tell that you love these kids and I really appreciate that." 

Let's just say I almost lost it right then and there. But it meant a lot to hear that someone sees my heart. Not that any of what I do needs justification or validation from anyone but God, but it sure is nice to hear it when it comes. 

The second reminder came from a student yesterday after a particularly bitchy day. It was after school and I was working in my room before soccer practice. This hour of time has become really nice for me since most kids go home and I get to have a little bit of prep time (my prep period is 7th which has turned into an impromptu study hall so I don't get anything done so that hour after school is great!). During this time there are usually a couple of students lingering either waiting for their sports practice or just trying to get homework done. I have one student whose sister is playing soccer and though she is a senior and can drive home, she chooses to stay at school to get her work done. Yesterday it was just she and I in my room (another student had just walked out from asking me a question), and out of nowhere she said, "Miss Andrews, I'm so glad you are here." At first I didn't understand what she meant. I thought maybe she was just happy to be sitting on my couch after school and she was glad I was at school still so she had a place to sit. I asked her what she meant and she said, "I am just glad that you teach here. You are a great teacher and just really love us. And, I dunno... I'm just glad you are here."  

Cue the tears again because they definitely started coming. I don't know what it is but whenever those feelings of doubt creep into my mind, God is so faithful to send me little reminders that I am right where I need to be for this moment in my life. He sends me people to remind me and tell me "this is my child with whom I am well pleased." I am so thankful for those reminders.