Abba's Child

I have a problem... I love books. I love going to a Barnes and Noble and walking around and smelling new books. I love picking out new books to read. Sometimes I pick them based on a recommendation from other people. Sometimes its based off of reading the back cover or the title. And still many other times it's just based off of the appearance of the book itself (yes I am a terrible consumer and I buy things that look cool...). The problem is, I don't like to read. Probably because I have never been very good at it. I am a slow reader and get distracted easily which usually means I read and re-read things several times before it actually sinks in. So I get my bookstore fix, buy a couple of books (or three or four...), and usually only end up reading one half of one of the books (if I am lucky I finish the whole thing but it usually takes awhile). The rest of the cool-looking books then end up sitting on my bookshelf, taking up space and continuing to look cool, but untouched and never read.

This particular book I bought over a year ago (probably more like two or three years ago) and based off of the water-damage and stains I think it's been sitting in the back of my car for at least a year. But I bought it 1.) because I love the author (whose other book, Ragamuffin Gospel, inspired this little blog about 7 years ago) and 2.) because someone recommended it to me. So after I finished my other two 'secular' books this summer, I decided I should do a little spiritual reading and picked up my beat-up, but never read copy of Abba's Child by the late Brennan Manning.

I could probably write several blogs about this book (one for each chapter probably), but I will try and keep this one short and sweet. Brennan talked about one of our greatest failings and shortcomings that we face as Christians. We are plagued with low self-esteem. We feel unloved or worse not capable of being loved. We more often see ourselves as sinners instead of saints. We hide our true selves from other people and from God. "Many Christians... find themselves defeated by the most psychological weapon that Satan uses against them. This weapon has the effectiveness of a deadly missile. Its name? Low self-esteem. Satan's greatest psychological weapon is a gut level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy, and low self-worth. This feeling shackles many Christians, in spite of wonderful spiritual experiences and knowledge of God's Word. Although they understand their position as sons and daughters of God, they are tied up in knots, bound by a terrible feeling of inferiority, and chained to a deep sense of worthlessness."

The problem that so many of us (myself definitely included) face is that we fail to see ourselves as God sees us; as Sons and Daughters of the living God. We let the impostor within us run our lives and tell us that we are worthless and unworthy of God's love. "The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him. His love which called us into existence, calls us to come out of self-hatred and to step into His truth. 'Come to me now,' Jesus says. 'Acknowledge and accept who I want to be for you: a Savior of boundless compassion, infinite patience, unbearable forgiveness, and love that keeps no score of wrongs. Quit projecting onto Me your own feelings about yourself. At this moment your life is a bruised reed and I will not crush it, a smoldering wick and I will not quench it. You are in a safe place.'"

What I have taken from this book is that we ourselves have to forgive and forget the faults in our own lives. Jesus died on the cross for our sins and we have been forgiven of those sins. We have been washed white as snow and can now be called Children of the Most High. It's time that we start seeing ourselves like that. I'm not saying we go about our lives as normal, but to live in the presence of the Most High and feel comfortable in our Abba's arms and to get to know the Rabbi whose sacrifice saved us all. We must accept the failures and faults in our own lives and use them as part of our story to help encourage and love others along the way. "The reconciled heart says that everything that has happened to me had to happen to make me who I am - without exception." "Our depressions, jealousies, narcissism, and failures are not at odds with the spiritual life. Indeed, they are essential to it."

When we finally begin to embrace our shortcomings and failures and begin to see ourselves as children of God, we can begin to see others in the same light. Our soul purpose in life, the greatest commandment that was given to us is to love God and to love others. "Love is the key to everything. Living and loving are one... The success or failure of a given day is measured by the quality of our interest and compassion toward those around us. We define ourselves by our response to human need. The question is not how we feel about our neighbor but what we have done for him or her. We reveal our heart in the way we listen to a child, speak to the person who delivers the mail, bear an injury, and share our resources with the indigent."

So what's the point? How do we move past our shortcomings and rise above our low self esteem? How do we silence the impostor within us who tells us we are worthless? How do we live a life that glorifies and pleases our Abba? How do we find true happiness? "Wise men and women have long held that happiness lies in being yourself without inhibitions. Let the Great Rabbi hold you silently against His heart. In learning who He is, you will find out who you are: Abba's child in Christ our Lord."

Tiny Beautiful Things

This summer I have been doing something that I have never really enjoyed (or been very good at) but have always wanted to enjoy. I have been reading. I am currently on my third book of the summer (which I will hopefully write about when I am done because I have many things to say about it), but I wanted to first write about one of the books I have finished. The book is called Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on love and life from Dear Sugar (TBT) by Cheryl Strayed. The first book I read this summer was Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail also by Cheryl Strayed which is how TBT came about. The book is formatted in a series of letters that were published in The Rumpus under the Dear Sugar advice column. Readers mail in their letters and ask for advice and Sugar (which recently was revealed to be Cheryl) does her best to speak wisdom into their lives.

Now Cheryl is not a Christian and she even says that she doesn't really believe in God, but the wisdom and advice that she gives and speaks to her readers is something that can only be a gift from God. Granted, I know a lot of her advice is not God centered (she talks about sex a lot but to be fair she is asked about sex a lot too...), but the love and compassion that she shows to each and every person (or at least the ones she chooses to respond to and consequently published in this book) who writes to her inspires me. In the intro one person says about Cheryl that "she offers what we wish every mother would: enough compassion to make us feel safe within our broken need, and enough wisdom to hold on to hope." This is my desire. I believe that each and every one of us should have this kind of compassion towards others and reading this book has inspired me to pursue that in any way I can. I pray that I can give sound, God centered, loving advice and wisdom to others around me and that I can show compassion to make others feel safe and enough wisdom to hold on to hope.

Here are just a few clips and things I highlighted throughout the book (there are many, many others... I highly recommend this book!)

"Be brave. Be authentic. Practice saying the word 'love' to the people you love so when it matters the most to say it, you will."

"Trusting yourself means living out what you already know to be true."

"I'm not suggesting that one deny negative emotions, but rather that you accept them and move through them by embracing the power we have to keep from wallowing in emotions that don't serve us well."

"If I believed in God, I'd see evidence of his existence in that. In your darkest hour you were held afloat by the human love that was given to you when you most needed it."

"Inhabit the beauty that lives in your beastly body and strive to see the beauty in all the other beasts. Walk without a stick into the darkest woods. Believe that the fairy tale is true."

"There are so many things to be tortured about, sweat pea. So many torturous things in this life. Don't let a man who doesn't love you be one of them."

"You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding. And, dear one, you and I both were granted a mighty generous hand."

"I suppose this is what I mean when I say we cannot possibly know what will manifest in our lives. We live and have experiences and leave people we love and get left by them. People we thought would be with us forever aren't and people we didn't know would come into our lives do. Our work here is to keep faith with that, to put it in a box and wait. To trust that someday we will know what it means, so that when the ordinary miraculous is revealed to us we will be there, standing before the baby girl in the pretty dress, grateful for the smallest things."

Like I said... there are many many other things that I highlighted and noted in this book. It definitely lives up to the name. It is full of Tiny Beautiful Things. And I highly recommend it!

Cue the Waterworks

I'm not sure if I have written about this before. Which is silly because it's something that has been a part of me for the majority of my life. Anyone who spends any significant amount of time talking to me probably knows this as well. But I cry. I know everyone cries, even if you say you don't, there is always a breaking point. Some people cry when they are in physical pain, with others it's emotional pain. Still others cry when they are happy. And many many others cry when they are sad. Everyone cries.

I cry. Now, when I say that I cry, I don't mean like when I am sad or happy. Yes I cry at those times, but I cry a lot more than just those times. I cry when I am sad. I cry when I am happy. I cry when I am embarrassed. I cry when I am angry. I cry when I am intimidated. I cry when I am nervous. I cry when I watch certain movies (even when I have seen them several times...). I cry when I hear certain songs. I cry when I talk about crying. I cry.

Now of course there are different levels of crying. When I say that I cry I don't mean that I am constantly in a state of weeping uncontrollably (though I do get there on occasion), but my eyes fill with tears on a fairly regular basis. I have learned throughout the years to hide this from the world and choke back the tears from leaving my eyes. People who cry are weak. They are emotional basket-cases who are a burden to others around them. Who wants to be around someone who cries all the time? So I learned to hide it from people around me. I acted tough. I wore sunglasses (or glasses if I was indoors) to try and hide my tears. Only my closest friends and family would ever know the truth about me and my waterworks.

Now hiding who you are is not healthy and I realize that. So about three years ago instead of hiding the fact that I cry, I decided to make a joke of it. I mean, if you don't like something about yourself, why not make a joke of it and laugh along with everyone else right? Through the joking and the laughing I have come to a point where I just realize this is who I am. I am person who cries a lot. It's reality. I am a person that when watching Les Mis for the fifth time, cries during the epilogue. I am a person who cries out of frustration when her doctor isn't being very helpful and is trying to minimize her pain. I am a person that cries when she says goodbye.

Last night I said goodbye to the first friend that I made when I moved up here. She is moving to Florida in a couple weeks and I won't see her again for awhile. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with her and the knowledge and wisdom that she spoke into my life. I am thankful that I got to spend time with her new little guy Atticus. I am thankful for who she is and so excited for her family's new adventure in Florida. But last night I had to say goodbye.

I cried the whole way home.

This I Know...

As I have mentioned before, I sometimes struggle to pay attention in church... It's not that I struggle to pay attention... I just am not always super interested and engaged in the sermon. But I listen and take notes and look up the bible verses... Today's sermon was given by the older pastor at church. I followed along and took notes. The sermon was decent, but there was one thing that just tore me apart... He was telling a story about a very productive day of "Doing Good" for the Lord. He went on and on as he usually does with his stories (he loves to tell stories... and there are usually at least 5 or 6 stories in his sermons) and shared about a precious moment that he had with his mother and some of her friends. Now, this pastor, like I said, is the older pastor at my church. He has to be in his 70's. The women (his mother included) all were 95 and older. I sort of tuned out and didn't really know why he was there or how it came up, but he said that in the lull of the conversation he just started singing...

Jesus Love me this I know

For the Bible tells me so

Little ones to Him belong

They are weak but He is strong

Yes, Jesus Loves me

Yes, Jesus Loves me

Yes, Jesus Loves me

The Bible tells me so

We all know the song.The whole church quietly joined in while he sang it in front of church in the middle of his sermon. It was really a sweet moment. But I didn't sing along. It took everything in me to hold back the tears that were fighting their way out of my tired eyes. You see, this song reminds me of my Grandma. 

I can remember her sweet voice, quietly singing me songs when I was little (The Three Bears, Jesus Loves Me, Bushel and a Peck... among many others). And as I sat there alone in church, and watched his elderly man sing this song and describe how he sat there singing this song with this elderly mother and her friends, I couldn't help but think about who my grandma used to be. She had so much joy. She was bold and confident in her faith. Even when she started loosing her memories and control over her own body and thoughts, she still trusted that God is greater and bigger and has a plan that is better than our own. I thought of the texts I would get from my mom and dad saying how quickly she was declining but still sharing the precious little moments when they would play old hymns for her. And even though she could not hold a conversation, she would hum and sometimes sing along with the songs. 

I miss that. I miss her. I miss my grandma. I miss the person she used to be. I know she is still alive and I am so thankful for the things she has taught me and how she loved me (and still loves me... or at least that's what I like to believe).  

I was thinking about the song. 'Jesus loves me, this I know; for the BIBLE tells me so.' 'Yes, Jesus loves me; the BIBLE tells me so.' The BIBLE tells me so? Now, I know that Jesus loves me. I am very confident in that fact and that is why I live my life the way I do. But I don't think this knowledge has anything (or at least has little to do) to do with the Bible telling me so. I know that Jesus loves me because people SHOW me so. Because my parents have shown me so. Because my friends show me so. And, because my grandma showed me so.

Show someone that Jesus loves them today.

HE>I

Let's be honest here... I struggle to pay attention in church sometimes (or most of the time)... I get distracted by people around me, by my list of things to do, by my phone (yes I play with my phone in church sometimes but who doesn't) and sometimes I just get turned off by the message.

Finding a church up here has been... well... I don't want to say a struggle... It was a new experience for me for sure. Growing up going to the same church for 25 years is kinda a big deal. Finding a new church family after that has been no easy task and I am still not totally convinced that I have found one (although I want to believe I have). I spent the first few months "testing out" different churches and different services. I did some research online and went to the ones whose websites aligned with my beliefs on God and Faith and what a church 'should' look like. I ended up settling in at one church in particular that was actually the first one I attended. I am not sure why I chose that church but something inside of me clicked when I went there for the first time. One of the greeters hugged me when I told her I was new to the area and asked me questions about my life like she genuinely wanted to know everything about me. It reminded me of my church family back home and I was filled with a sense of peace and the thought that this maybe could be my new church family.

Its been almost a year now since I have been up here and I am still not totally convinced that this church is where God wants me. The worship is short and the song selections are very random (usually new songs that I have never heard... which is cool every once in a while but ever single week???) and the preaching seems to be very surfacey... almost like it is targeted for baby Christians and new believers (I am talking alter calls every week...). But I still go because I have a feeling inside me that this is where God wants me. I feel comfortable there. People are kind and welcoming although I haven't gotten to know very many of them. They also have a young adults ministry that I have gone to a couple of times but haven't been able to commit to due to timing and other stuff.

Maybe its me. Maybe I just need to dive in and commit. Maybe I haven't been open to meeting new people (#introvertproblems). Maybe I just need to get connected and join a community group. Maybe I should start serving and sharing my gifts with a church that could be my new family. Lots to do and little time to do it.

But He is greater than I am. Yesterday that's what the sermon was on. That God is greater than us. JESUS is greater than RELIGION. JESUS has greater POWER. And JESUS is a greater RELATIONSHIP. He is greater than my 'issues' with finding a new church. He is greater than my insecurities. He is greater than my fears. HE>I.

Elevation Creative: "Strike The Water" Spoken Word from Elevation Media on Vimeo.

Pain in the Ass... Literally...

Have you ever pulled a muscle? Like a legitimately strained muscle that took more than a couple days to recover? I thought I had pulled muscles before... I have battled back injuries and broken bones and all sorts of strange things, but none of it compares to the pain I have felt this week. I hurt/tweaked my back/hip in Maui (who knows how... maybe the plane ride, maybe running on the beach, maybe how I slept) but I dealt with it. I stretched and walked and worked and played through the pain. I mean, it's Maui... Ain't nobody got time to be hurt while on vacation in Maui... So I made it work and had a great trip.

When I got back, I tried to find a chiropractor. I tried out one who took some x-rays and did a posture test and told me I had moderate scoliosis and he could fix me in 3 months for a measly $2000. On that note, I found a different chiropractor who I like much better and didn't require any sort of commitment. After the adjustment I felt my normal 'soreness' that most people feel after being adjusted. But again, I pushed through it. Played out at the river and played in my first indoor soccer game in years! I spent the rest of the weekend stretching, drinking water and trying to get rid of my soreness which was a different soreness than I had felt before. Finally Monday morning while doing my usual morning stretches, something just gave up. I spent the rest of the day lying face down on the floor of my bedroom because I was in too much pain to even move. When I would get up and move, the pain was overwhelming. I felt nauseated and almost as if I would pass out. Tuesday I made an appointment with my doctor for the first time since I moved up here. He told me that I had a severe strain of my gluteal muscles and prescribed me some 800mg ibuprofen and some muscle relaxers. Rest, Ice, light stretching, and meds was all he told me to do.

So here I am almost a week later. The first couple of days I pretty much laid in bed or on the couch all day long. I ate only enough to take my meds (you know... don't want to get an ulcer on top of my strained muscles) and walked only when I absolutely had to. I finally feel like I am starting to get better, but I have a feeling this is going to be something I am going to be dealing with for the rest of the summer...

In summary... I pulled my ass... I don't know how exactly it happened... Seems like a series of unfortunate events and potentially bad decisions... But I pulled my ass... And yes... It literally is a pain in the ass...

A Taste of Paradise...

Our Beach

I recently got back from my first vacation in years. To be honest, I think it was maybe my first vacation ever. I didn't know what a vacation was until now. I got the amazing opportunity to spend 10 days on a beach in Maui with some people who I have gotten to know and love over this last year. I will save you the details of how I got the invite (it has to do with family friends and brother's girlfriend's parents and it just gets to be a little confusing), but I was a part of a group of about 30 people who took over a small hotel in Napili Bay on the coast of Maui.

Double Trouble

My trip started early Wednesday morning on June 5th. My flight left at 6:30 am and flew into LAX for an hour layover before flying the 5 hours into the Maui airport. There I got picked up and driven to the hotel by Juree, Ken, and Alyssa. Once we got to the hotel and unpacked a little, we made a quick trip to the market for some snacks and "essentials" (you know... shampoo, sunscreen, booze...) to tie us over until we went to Safeway. We then spent the rest of the afternoon laying in the sun in our suits and sipping on some tasty beverages.

A typical evening

The Roomies

The rest of the days were pretty much the same. In the morning I would wake up and drink some coffee on the front porch and watch the waves. My roommates and I would get some breakfast (which consisted of fresh cut pineapple, papaya, and other fruits and cinnamon toast and scones... and of course more coffee) and occasionally go for a run or walk. By 10 am we had our spots staked out on the beach. We passed the time by chatting, tanning, napping, swimming, paddle-boarding, snorkeling, reading, snacking, and of course drinking. The weather was basically perfect. Pretty warm most of the time (mid 80's) with occasional periods of heavy rain that  "stung like a thousand needles," as one of my roommates would say. Sometime between 3 and 5 we would usually pack it up and take showers, play some soccer, wiffle-ball, or football while munching on appetizers before having dinner around 6:30/7. Each 'group' took turns making dinners each night (the 'kids' made dinner the last night... Megan and I being the oldest of the 'kids' took the lead and made chicken kabobs... it was a good night). After dinner the rest of the evenings were spent doing different sorts of things. One night we went shopping, another night we went for ice cream, but most nights we tried to catch the sunset, played on the grass until we could no longer see and then played silly camp games or sat a talked in our room until we felt like we would pass out (which was usually no later than 10pm).

Chicken Kabobs

'The Kids'

The hotel was beautiful and simple. It reminded me how important it is to just relax and not worry about a schedule or making plans. No TVs or phones in the rooms which meant my only connection to the 'real world' was my cell phone which I often left in the room most of the day. It was exactly what I needed after a long, busy first year of teaching. I loved spending time with each and every person on the trip. My roommates were two of my students who graduated this year and it was so nice to spend time with them not as their teacher but as their friend. It was definitely the best vacation I have every had and I cannot wait to go back next year.

Perfect Sunset

Great Is Your Faithfulness

Lamentations 3:22-23

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Today I finished grading my last paper for the school year and I am filled with thoughts and emotions and ideas that I can't wait to get out on paper (well... sort of paper) again. But for now, Let me start with one thing that has been made EXTREMELY clear to me this year. Despite the business and the constant going going going that has been my first year of teaching, here's the one thing that has been constant through it all: God is Faithful! He has always been Faithful.

Like I said, this year has been so busy but so wonderful and amazing and I wish I could put it all into words (which I will try to do over the summer...), but God's faithfulness has been incredibly evident from the very start. It's crazy how everything in my life seems to have led up to this: To exactly where I am right here and now. Staying home and finishing school was such a pain (the school part... not so much the staying home part). Being patient and waiting on the Lord was so hard at times. Even waiting for this job was hard. But in God's perfect timing, He showed me exactly where he wanted me to go and when He wanted me there. He provided me with a good job, the strength, wisdom, patience and gift to teach, a home to live in and a family to take me in, and students who just wanted to learn and desired to be loved. While teaching them about math was more fun then I could have every thought, teaching them about life and showing them love was more then I could have ever imagined. My favorite moments from the year were times when I could just sit with a student and listen to stories about their lives and give them advice and wisdom and prayer. God has been so good and has continued to show me His faithfulness in every aspect of my life.

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me 

Morning by morning I wake up to find 
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine 
Season by season I watch Him, amazed 
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways 
All I have need of, His hand will provide 
He’s always been faithful to me. 

I can’t remember a trial or a pain 
He did not recycle to bring me gain 
I can’t remember one single regret 
In serving God only, and trusting His hand 
All I have need of, His hand will provide 
He’s always been faithful to me. 

This is my anthem, this is my song 
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long 
God has been faithful, He will be again 
His loving compassion, it knows no end 
All I have need of, His hand will provide 
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful 
He’s always been faithful to me.

I read a quote the other day that just seemed to be exactly what I needed: "Your journey has molded you for your greater good. And it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time." Thank you God that your timing is far better then mine. Thank you that your mercies are new each and everyday. And thank you for your constant faithfulness!

Single, and Ready to Mingle?

Never in my life have I been made so aware of my singleness. I have been in Elk Grove for about a week and I think I have been asked at least 4 times if I was married. But they don't just ask me that. A few of them first asked me if I had any kids. Then they asked me if I was married. Each time they asked if I was married, they would actually look at my left hand for a ring. I don't mind the questions. I just think it is funny.

Yes people, I am single. And I am ok with it.

New Chapter

Oh Wow! It has been awhile... I don't even remember where I left off. I guess I am reminded of a blog that I wrote in November of last year. I was finishing up school and didn't really know what was going to happen in my life, but I had a feeling that God had some big plans in mind. Well, I am happy to tell you all that as I sit here in my new home in Elk Grove, CA, I honestly can tell you that God has some big plans. Monday I start staff training at the local Christian High School where I will be teaching math.

I am floored that way back then, God was working on my heart and preparing me for this transition. I just finished a CRAZY summer at OVS (and not a good kind of crazy) yesterday and had to drive up today. Saying goodbyes this last week were hard, but I feel so blessed to have this new opportunity. I am excited about this new journey and look forward to updating you on this new adventure God has set before me.

Please pray for a smooth transition and courage when meeting new people.