Your Worst Nightmare...

I think I've finally figure out why I have always hated my birthday. Birthdays are seriously an introverts worse nightmare. Being in the spotlight. Not knowing what's coming. The anxiety. The fear. Being the center of attention... Nope. Not about that shiz....

It is nice I will say to be shown love however. I feel beyond blessed to be in a place so far away from my family and friends yet I feel so well taken care of. Tonight the burgs had Sunday night dinner and we celebrated mine and Shari's birthday. Grandma Jackie gave me a reusable grocery bag. Reminded me of the type of thing my grandma used to give me. And then tomorrow I have heard rumors of lots of spoiling from some of my "moms/friends" at work. We'll see what happens...

Still doesn't make the stress and anxiety go away though. I've only cried once so far so we will see how tomorrow goes...

Did You Miss Me???

There is something about being noticed and having someone recognize your efforts that just feels good. Today someone pulled me aside and asked me out for coffee. No not like a date (he is married and 40). This was a coworker of mine who I never really talk to cause he is usually in his own world and I am in mine. We have had a few run ins in which I usually end up feeling like an idiot. He is super sarcastic and his humor is very dry and just sort of makes you feel like crap sometimes. 

But today he came into my room and asked if we could speak privately. He then said that he wanted to maybe meet up for coffee sometime. He realized recently that he has missed me these last few years. Not like miss me cause we don't hang out, but like missed me as a person. Missed me as someone who puts a lot into my job and my kids. Missed me and failed to show and express how much he appreciates my efforts. He said that I wasn't the only one he missed. Another coworker who went to work somewhere else this year was another one who also gave a lot to the school with little acknowledgement. He regrets not seeing him and developing a relationship there and is hoping to do better by me. He realized how valuable I am and doesn't want to miss me in all of the whoopla of the year. Why does something like that make me cry every time? 

While the conversation was really positive and made me feel really good it made me wonder, who have I been missing? Who have I missed in the business of my day? Who have you missed today? 

Linda Mary Andrews

It has been almost 7 months since my grandma Linda passed away and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I think of her kindness and desire for others to know the love of Christ. I think of her faith and the hope that she had that everyone she met would come to know Jesus and the love that comes from knowing Him. I remember the smell of cough drops and menthol. I remember trips to McDonalds and her collections of happy meal toys and those collectors cups that you used to be able to buy (yes... She bought them all... She was kinda a hoarder but we loved her for it). I remember her coffee tables covered with half finished puzzles. I remember her teaching me how to do the puzzles (set up the outside first and then work your way inward) and framing those puzzles and saving them or giving them away as gifts. I remember her strange gifts and the money that would come every year on our birthday (but stopped around age 18... $1 for every year of life). I remember her signing us songs like Bushel and a Peck and The Three Bears. I remember how she treated each and every person who walked into her house like family always introducing herself as grandma.

But what I remember the most is her faith and hope. I don't know if I wrote about this before (although I am pretty sure that I did so forgive me if it is a repeat...), but there was one moment that I think I will remember always. It was shortly after she moved into our house after her memory started to go and she left the stove on while making herself eggs etc (you know... Typical Alzheimer's behavior). She had been with us for almost a month and we had been to doctor after doctor trying to find answers and figure out what it was that was causing all of her problems. She was frustrated and scared and had a really bad day when we finally had to just stop and give it to God. So me, my mom, my dad, and my grandma just spent time praying together. I will never forget what she said. Through her tears she just cried out to God saying "Lord, I don't know what is wrong with me but I trust you. I am so scared. Please help me. But I trust you."  To this day it brings me to tears just thinking of it. I hope and pray that one day I can have faith like that. To be able to cry out to God on the brink of an Alzheimer's diagnosis and still say, "I trust you." 

I miss you grandma. I miss you every day. 

Introvert Probz

I am an introvert! There... I said it...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately over the last few weeks. Wondering why I just don't want to be social or go out. I know what depression feels like and I promise you it is not that. It seriously just takes so much effort to be on. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with people. Hanging out and talking or even just listening to close friends or family brings me so much joy. But I can't tell you how great it feels to just sit at home by myself sometimes. Large crowds and spontaneous events with people that I don't know... Ain't nobody got time for that!

What brought this on, you may ask? I read a blog the other day that had a list of 11 things you should know about an introvert. And while all 11 don't totally explain me, I thought I might give you my own list of things you should know. So here it is, 8 things you should know about me (and yes I stole a lot of these from the other blog... I'll be sure to cite my sources for you at the end).

1) I don’t hate being around people, but I probably hate crowds.

I love being with people, but if you drop me into a large crowd I instantly feel like I’m alone and invisible. I try to avoid situations where I feel that way, so I may decline your open invitation to some random event. It doesn’t mean I don’t like to be around you, it just means I like to have more control over my surroundings.

2) I need to recharge alone.
This right here is the cusp of the entire introvert v. extrovert debate (if there is one, anyway) – Introverts need to be alone to recharge. We tend to get completely worn out by socializing. This is basically what it means to be an introvert.

3) I don’t mind silence. 
I can sit beside you in silence and not think we are having a bad time. This is especially true on road trips and can be a little confounding to true extroverts. For this reason, I especially like going to the movies where it is already considered rude to chat. Rule #1 for dealing with introverts – Don’t tell me I’m “too quiet.” I hate that. Sorry I’m making you uncomfortable, but you really don’t get to decide how much I have to talk.

4) I can turn on an extroverted personality when necessary, but it is especially draining.
I have no problem getting up in front of a group of people and giving a talk. I don’t even get nervous by a question and answer period. But – here is the thing – I will need major recharge time afterwards and I won’t be able to keep up this extroverted illusion all day. I can turn it on to dazzle a crowd, but if you take me out for lunch afterwards, I’ll probably just listen to you talk. I am an excellent listener.

5) I secretly love it when you cancel plans.
I like being with you, but finding out I suddenly don’t need to be “on” and it wasn’t actually me that backed out? – priceless! Don’t worry if you have to cancel, I’m probably thrilled to be able to stay in my pajamas.

6) I can get very wrapped up in my own thoughts.
My inner monologue is epic. When you have a strong monologue constantly running in the background, it is pretty easy to settle-in and listen for a while. I have to work through things in my head before I proceed, so I usually need a few minutes. When I’m ready to move forward though, I am 100% on top of it!

7)  I don’t like to hang around.

That time after an event or meeting ends and stragglers hang around to talk – yeah, I know this is the perfect time to make more plans, connect with new people, and get involved with future projects, but I really really really hate this. I’m probably already checking my phone in my car before you have even picked up your purse. Small talk with strangers is my kryptonite.

8) I can be pretty bad at connecting. 

You know when you have had a really bad day and you just want to call up a friend and chat? Yeah, I’m bad at that. I tend to wait for extroverts to reach out and include me, so when the time comes that I need support, I can be a bit lost.

That's it people. Just a few things you should know about me. Please don't take my withdrawal or internal monologue personally or like I am not listening to you. I'm listening. I promise. 

For more information about introverts like me, check out

- http://playfullytacky.com/2014/07/16/things-you-should-know-about-introverts/

- http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/f/introversion.htm

Don't Worry About Tomorrow... Seriously???

"Let ALL that I am wait quietly before God, for my HOPE is in Him.

He ALONE is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will NOT be shaken.

My victory and honor come from God alone. 

He is my refuge, a rock where NO enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in Him at ALL times.

Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our REFUGE."

- Psalms 62:5-8 (emphasis added)

So I have this reacurring dream... I say reacurring because I have had it at least three times this year that I can remember (it very well could be more but I try to block it out). Basically I am dreaming that I am sleeping and I wake up to see the shadow of someone standing over my bed... Terrifying right??? It gets worse... Naturally if you see someone standing over your bed and you are overcome by fear you are going to want to move and fight, but (since I am still dreaming... remember) my body feels like a thousand pounds and I'm paralized and unable to move. So the next logical step is to call out for help... But again that scream only comes out like a wimper... Becuase I'm still dreaming, remember??? I try harder and harder to yell until finally I actually do yell and wake myself from this terrible dream... Until this last time, I wasn't actually sure if I yelled out loud or if I just dreamed that I yelled. But if you ask my roommate, she will tell you that I am actually a freak and I did yell in the middle of the night a little over a week ago.

I told my mom about the dream and the screaming myself awake sort of as a joke. I mean, how many people do you know who have nightmares in which they wake up screaming? I just thought I was a freak. And maybe I am... But my mom, bless her heart, took my dream very seriously and recommended that I start writing down all of the things that are stressing me out. You see, I get really anxious sometimes... Things pop up unexpectedly (like a dead battery, getting my car towed for the 4th time this year, spending WAY too much money on my car... etc) and I internalize every bit of it. Yeah I cry it out (which I did a lot of the day my car broke down which coincidentally was the same night I had my dream...) and I call my dad and ask him for advice, but the amount of stress and anxiety that I internalize may have something to do with why I keep having this strange dream.

So I started writing down my fears and things that cause me stress and anxiety each night before I go to bed. In addition I started a little 7 day devotional about anxiety. With work starting up again and the stresses of that being piled on top of everything else, this study and journal couldn't have come at a better time. We've all read the verses that say trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding... or do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough worry for itself... But how is that even possible? How do we lay down our fears? How do we just stop worrying? Is it even possible? I have a hard time believing that God didn't give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). Maybe He didn't give me a spirit of fear but there are some days where I am really lacking on the power, love, and self-discipline... So what can I do? What can we do to not worry about tomorrow or what's to come?

"Don't worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you WILL expreience God's PEACE, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and recieved from me - everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."

-Philippieans 4:6-8 

PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING! Fix your thoughts of what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Only then will God's peace guard your hearts and minds as you live in Chirst Jesus. That's it. It's that simple. Just pray about everything... I know... Easier said than done right? But it's a place to start...

10 days, no nightmares. Praise Jesus!

What is Church?

I have been asking myself this question lately. Moving to a new city I did the "Good Christian" thing and looked for a new church that I could call home. While I found one that "worked" and got the job done for awhile, I could never shake the feeling of wanting more. Even though it never felt right, I kept going because I know that's what I am 'supposed' to do. I kept going until I moved to the other side of town (well... techinically I guess it was a totally different town) and decided it was too far to go for church. I don't think we are supposed to commute for church, but what do I know...

Anyway... back to my original thought... What is church? How does it work and how do you know when one is being done 'right'? Having taken a hiadous from church for a little while (I go to one BIG church occassionally... I went on Easter and I go sometimes when my students want to go), I have been really trying figure out what I want church to look like for me. I know it is different for everyone but here is what I think church is...

• Church is a big family. 
• Church is a community of people who love each other unconditionally 
• Church is a place lacking in barriers. 
• Church is a place where people are not looked down on because of their age, race, gender, or anything else.
• Church is done during the week in the interactions with those around us. 
• Church, the location and service, is merely a gathering and an opportunity to worship.
• Church isn't just a place or a service but the people who go out into the community and demonstrate Christ's love in their actions.

This is what I want in a church. This is what I am searching for. I have yet to find a church like this in Sacramento, but I am hopeful that I will find one soon. Wish me luck.

Major Acts of Love

A few months ago I was sitting by the pool with some friends, checking 'The Book' (i.e. facebook... its something I'm trying out...), when I saw a status that took my breath away. An old high school teacher, Mr. Prewitt had passed away. After some searching I soon found out that he had been hit by a driver who was under the influence of Xanax while he was out on his morning run. While I never had Mr. Prewitt as I teacher I remembered him very well from my high school days. He always had a smile on his face and I knew many people who considered him one of their favorite teachers. 

Reading all of the posts and comments that followed in the next couple of months I started to evaluate my life as a teacher. We teachers have the potential to have a tremendous impact on our students, for the good or even for the bad. Reading the posts and seeing the impact that Mr. Prewitt's life and now death has had on this community is an inspiration to me. I have always wanted to reach students on a personal level. I desire to teach them more than trig and calculus, but to teach them about life and how to love. There were definitely times this last year when I was tired and frustrated with students, parents, coworkers, or whatever it was when I think that I lost sight of what it is all about. There were moments when I definitely didn't love my students and even more times when I didn't love the people around me.I admit it. I am human and I fall short. But I hope and pray that I succeed more than I fail. I hope that one day students can look back on their high school career and remember that teacher who showed them how to live a life of love. 

If seeing this impact that Mr. Prewitt's life and death has had on the community wasn't enough, his family has carried on his legacy in their reaction to the incident. In a complete act of love and forgiveness, Mr. Prewitt's sister, wife, and close friend all spoke in the sentencing hearing expressing their forgiveness and compassion towards the defendent. The lawyer who defended the woman said, "This act of mercy was delivered with love and a sincere desire for Ms. Chappell to know that they harbored no anger toward her, and that they want the best for her and her family. All of them spoke of their strong belief in God, letting us know that Mr. Prewitt held the same belief. If he were alive, they said, he would want his friends and family to forgive CHante - they did, one by one - offering their grace and mercy." Several people in the courtroom were brought to tears. During a recess, Mrs. Prewitt even embraced the defendent telling her that she needed to forgive herself. What an incredible legacy for their family to leave behind. The lawyer even dais, "The act of extending God's grace to another human being instantaneously affected all those present. I will remember this day as one of the most powerful experiences I have witnessed in a courtroom or anywhere else."

Even though I never had Mr. Prewitt as a teacher, I am inspired by his story and the legacy he has left behind through his family and the students he touched. "Thanks to his family and friends, I know what type of man he was. Even in death, through his family and their supporters, Mr. Prewitt continues to teach many people an incredible lesson." I hope that I can continue to teach valuable lessons to my students even when I am gone.

(For the full article and account of what happened in the courtroom from the lawyer who defended Mr. Prewitts killer, please read this article.)

Two Week Highlights

Two weeks into the new school year and I already have some highlights. I think this is going to be a good year...

• Third day of school, woke up feeling super tired. It was one of those mornings where you get dressed and say, "Welp... this is as good as it's gonna get..." About halfway through the day, two of my students passed me in the hallway and said, "Miss Andrews you look so nice today..." How great to get a compliment on a day that I was starting to call frumpy Humpday.
• Friday Night, week one, first football game of the year. I was sitting with some other teachers when a coworker came up to me and told me that her son (who is in my PreCalc class) said, "Mom, Miss Andrews is SOOOO smart. Like seriously SOOOO smart." I don't think that I am that smart but it feels good to know that they kids think that I am... 
• Tuesday of this week, I wore my coral pants with a white button-up and a black pullover sweater on top. Several students commented on my outfit. A group of them even gave me an 'A' for my outfit for the day... The proceeded to grade me the rest of the week as well... My sisters would be proud!

So far the year is going well. My kids are fun and I am looking forward to what God has in store for me and for them this year.

Get Up, Stand Up...

Tonight at 7:22 (the young adults group that I have been going to at my church), the Lord really blessed/challenged me (and everyone else who was there I believe) with a great message. The guest speaker shared from the book of Esther (Esther 4:9-16 to be a little more specific). Just as a little background, the Jews were under the rule of Persia at the time and the King, Xerxes had taken Esther (a Jew) to be his queen. After a run in with Mordecai (Esther's cousin who refused to bow down to one of Xerxes men), Haman (the man that Mordecai refused to bow down to) convinced the King to eliminate all of the Jews from the empire. Mordecai found out about this plan and sent word to Esther to ask her to help.

Which is where we picked up in Esther 4:9-16.

9 So Hathach returned to Esther with Mordecai's message.

10 Then Esther told Hathach to go back and relay this message to Mordecai: 11 "All the king's officials and even the people in the provinces know that anyone who appears before the king in his inner court without being invited is doomed to die unless the king holds out his gold scepter. And the king has not called for me to come to him for thirty days." 12 So Hathach gave Esther's message to Mordecai.

13 Mordecai sent this reply to Esther: "Don't think for a moment that because you're in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. 14 If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?"

15 Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: 16 "Go and gather together all the Jews of Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. My maids and I will do the same. And then, though it is against the law, I will go in to see the king. If I must die, I must die."

So Esther, being a realist, tells Mordecai that she can't go talk to the King because he didn't ask her to come to him. If she went to him without being asked, she could be killed. But Mordecai reminds her that she too is a Jew. And is she chose to remain quiet, she too could be killed. Then Esther asks Mordecai to fast and pray and she does the same. She decides that she can't stay quiet any longer. She is willing to risk her life to stand up for what is right. 

How often do we do that? How often do we take risks to do what is right? What are we afraid of? Not many of us face the risk of death on a daily basis, but there are things in our lives that we could lose if we chose to do what was right; friends, family, jobs, reputations... How much are we really risking? There is so much darkness and suffering in this world. How many of us are actually risking everything to fix it? How many of us are actually trying to bring God's Kingdom here on earth? How many of us risk everything to increase Jesus and increase others? I can think of one person who risked EVERYTHING for the Kingdom of God and He died on a cross. He spoke up. He did and said what was right and good and brought God's kingdom here to this earth and He died for it.

How many of us are afraid of making too many waves? How many of us are afraid of what other people will say? I think if we actually were to step out and to live lives that are counter-cultural and not of this world, some people would be pretty upset with us. If we actually lived our lives like Jesus and stepped out of the norm, there would be some opposition. But isn't that what we are called to do? Aren't we called to be followers of Christ? To live our lives like He did? Well he died doing what was right.

What have you risked lately?

(*Disclaimer: All of these questions are things that I am personally challenged by and that's why I am writing them down. They are in no way accusations against anyone specific.*)

Sometimes Churches Fail...

Today I got to church a little early (5 minutes... and for a church where everyone rolls in after the first song or two, that's pretty early) and sat down by myself like I normally do. After a couple minutes of messing around on my phone, the head pastor's wife came over and introduced herself to me. She welcomed me and said she was happy that I was there. She asked me how long I had been coming to this church and I told her almost a year. She was surprised that we hadn't met yet and asked if I was involved in a Community group. I told her that I wasn't but that I attended the young adults group (7:22) sometimes. She then invited me to their community group and encouraged me to look for a group to get involved with.

It was super nice of her to invite me to her Community group and I am glad that she noticed me and said hello, but it also made me laugh a little which kinda made me sad. I have been going to this church for almost a year now and this is the FIRST time that anyone has invited me to their community group. And for a church whose mission statement is to Encounter God, Grow Through Community, and Live Your Calling, that's somewhat disappointing.

Churches fail at this everyday and it makes me sad. For introverts like me, just going to church by yourself is a challenge, let alone trying to meet people and get involved. Why did it take an entire year for someone to invite me to a Community group? And how many other people have been waiting for that invite as well?

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame the church. I recognize that I am an introvert (and have been working on that) and I need to try a little harder to meet people and get involved in things (especially when it comes to church), but it's so hard. And I think the Church has a responsibility to make people feel welcome and to look for people who you haven't met before and invite them into your circle. Sometimes Churches fail at that... And to be perfectly honest... So do I...

On another note, 7:22 has been a big blessing to me and I am finally starting to feel like I know people there and that they notice me. I have met a couple people who are kind and ask about my life. I feel welcome and feel like people would actually notice if I wasn't there. Isn't that what every introvert wants?