Church With Friends...

This last Sunday I went to a new church. It's crazy the amount of stress and anxiety I get going to a new place. Just pulling up to the church and sitting in my car before walking into the church I could feel my anxiety levels rising. I even knew people at this church and I was still freaking out. #introvertproblems 

Anyway, I went to a new church. It's a church that a coworker and her husband pastor together. I told my coworker that I was coming and she made me sit in the front row with her despite my extreme introvert problems. I'm not about that front row life but #pastorswifeproblems I guess. 

So yeah. I went to a new church. It has been one of the greatest struggles/challenges I have faced since moving up here to find a church that I could potentially call home. I don't know if my standards are too particular or just that I am an introvert and so feeling "at home" anywhere is just a struggle in general. But this new church seemed so familiar to me. I don't know if it was just the fact that I knew people there or if it was something else. But the church was full of so many different age levels. I was introduced the the church "grandpa" and we talked about math and the Big Bang Theory. Grandpas would come and hold little babies. Pastors wives kiss babies foreheads (yes B, I saw that...)... It just felt so comfortable. 

And then the music.... Happy Day. All in All. Oldies but goodies! Loved it! 

And the speaking... I may be biased because it's my coworkers husband, but it was just so real and honest. I think actually knowing the pastor and their family makes a huge difference for me. Knowing not only who they are but having a relationship with them means the world to me. And maybe that's the key. Maybe that is what I have been missing all of this time. Maybe the answer to what church is, is just a pastor and their family who are open and real. Not hiding anything. Not pretending or claiming to be perfect or to have it all together. People who will invite you to lunch with them after the service and force you to sit in the front row with them even though they know it's uncomfortable. 

This is church done right. And I'm excited to go back (just maybe not in the front row next time...)

My Babies!

One of my Favs (there are lots of favs!!!)

Being a teacher sucks sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, there is so much of it that I LOVE!

I love being able to teach a subject that scares many people. I love that moment when kids get it finally and have that break through. I love telling stupid jokes and having kids hanging on my every word. I love days in class when I can be goofy and throw candy and yell "PARADE!"

I love being able to invest in kids lives. I love hearing their stories and "solving" their problems. I love offering them advice and what I hope is wisdom from things I have learned and gone through in my own life.

I love that I can just show them Christ's love in the way I act and the things I do. I hope and pray everyday that they will come to understand my love of the Lord but more importantly how much God loves them.

Tonight was Senior night at the girl's volleyball game and one of the girls thanked me specifically in her speech for supporting her and her team in their sport and in their lives. I love that. Another parent thanked me tonight be being there for her daughter. For supporting her and encouraging her. I love that. I love that I can be there for these kids. They are my babies. And I love them.

But sometimes it sucks.

I am single and have no children obviously. It is a desire of my heart to one day meet a man after God's own heart and that we will have a family and I pray and look forward to that day, but right now, in this stage of my life, these are my babies. As much as it sucks to be single sometimes, I am beyond blessed to have the time and the energy to devote my attention to my 100+ babies.

And when my babies hurt, I hurt. I see their sadness and I just want it all to go away. When my babies make really, really BAD decisions, it breaks my heart a little. No, actually, it breaks my heart A LOT! I am not a mom (even though I desperately want to be) but I imagine this is what it feels like to see your children hurting. It is NOT a good feeling. And then I am reminded that this is what God feels like when he sees us, His children, hurting and making bad decisions that cause us pain. It is a painful, awful feeling that I do not wish on my worst enemy.

Tonight my heart is full and happy. I am thankful for my kids and for what God is doing in their lives. But I am also sad. And I my heart breaks a little for the kids who fall short. And as much as I want to be mad or pass judgement or whatever feelings creep into my mind, I am reminded that my babies are precious to the KING OF KINGS. His plans for them are GREAT! I love that I can be a part of those plans and I look forward to the day when they come to completion.

Being a teacher is great, but sometimes it sucks.

 (DISCLAIMER: this photo has nothing to do with the sucky sad stuff I just wrote about. This is just one of my seniors whom I love)

I Don't Do Scary...

So... Funny story...

Last night I got home from work, crashed on the couch, got caught up on some of my shows, made some grilled cheeses and tater tots, did some homework... You know... the usual Friday night awesomeness. Later, Sass and her mom came over and me, Megan, and Kailee went with them to Parlor. Now... Let me try to explain Parlor to you in the best way possible... Imagine an ice cream shop, that puts their icecream into a donut and makes this sort of donut-ice-cream-sandwich with all sorts of toppings that you would not always think to put with icecream. Last night I got a coffee ice cream on a glazed donut with almonds, cocoa puffs, and nutella... Let's just say, I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack right then and there....

It must have been the ice cream/donut sandwich high that I was on because what happened next still baffles me. We started trying to figure out what else we wanted to do. The night was still young (or at least it would be young for the young people I was with... sometimes I pretend to be young still, but I really pay for it the next day...) and we wanted to do something fun. Somehow, someone suggested that we go to a Haunted House and it seemed that I was faced with the choice of either going to a Haunted House or a Scary movie... Now, I DON'T DO SCARY! Like ever! I hate being scared. It is not fun. I do not enjoy it. Just say no to scary.

Last night... I said yes...

We went to a Haunted House which was supposedly only 5-6 minutes but it honestly felt SO MUCH LONGER!!!! The owner gave us an expired Groupon deal that was a two of one thing so we only paid about $7 each. When we got in line to go inside, there were several "actors" (is that what you call them? The crazy people who dress up and like to scare people) outside already creeping up on us. I instantly hide behind Kailee and backed up against a wall. Our group of 5 was then split into two groups; Megan and Sass, and Sass's Mom, Kailee, and I. There was another girl behind us in line who was attacked by some of the actors and physically dragged into the Haunted House, kicking and screaming the entire time. The lady at the door then told us that the actors can touch up but we were not allowed to touch them... WHAT??? No! No NO NONONO!!!!

Megan and Sass went in first and our group followed not too long after them. We made Sass's mom go first so that she could protect us, followed by Kailee and me who had quickly changed from holding onto the back of Kailee sweatshirt to wrapping my arms around her and burrying my face into her back. When we walked in, we were confronted with several terrifying characters who backed us up against the wall. We were screaming and screaming and instantly wanted to backout and be done. The lady at the front even gave us the option of backing out through the "Wuss Door." Somehow we continued on, screaming the ENTIRE TIME. I wish I could tell you what was there but all I remember is lots of flashing lights, screaming, people touching my legs and rubbing up against me, Kailee's sweatshirt, and the back of my eyelids. How we made it through the rest of the Haunted House I have no idea. All I know is I cried THE ENTIRE TIME and my watch broke. When we finally made it out, everyone in front of me took off running and I ran and ran until I found a place on the concrete where I curled up into the fetal position and just cried... By the time I finally came out of the fetal position I attempted to fix my watch but couldn't control the shaking of my hands...

At the end they gave us all buttons that say "No Wuss Here." Pretty sure I'm still a Wuss. I DON'T DO SCARY!!!! 

It was quit the night to say the least... My back is beyond sore from being hunched over and hiding in Kailee's sweatshirt. I am pretty sure I NEVER want to do something like that again. Enjoy the video of our group coming out of the Haunted House complete with screaming and running away from scary people with chainsaws...

Too Real... Too Close...

Last night I finished the final season of How I Met Your Mother and while it seems ridiculous to dedicate an entire post to the season finale of a television show, it really had a rather dramatic impact on me. Let me explain. Now, if you don't watch the show or have never heard of the show, I'm going to try and paint a picture for you. If you do watch the show and haven't gotten around to watching the finale season yet, I'm going to do my best not to spoil it for you. But if you can't stand any spoilers, stop reading right now. 

So the whole series is about this guy named Ted who is telling his children the story of how he met their mother. This story that he tells takes the place over about 9 seasons worth of adventures and stories within stories, getting close to the actual moment of how Ted met his children's mother. The final season mostly takes the place over the course of one day until the last three episodes that cover several years. Without going into too many details and giving away too many spoilers, the close group of friends that the audience had grown to know and love begins to grow apart. You see, they are all adults who spent many of their young 20's in a bar chatting about life and having crazy fun adventures.  As is the case with many friends who spend much of their 20's going on adventures and goofing around, life happens and opportunities arise and they grow apart. Life pulls them in a million different directions and despite their best effort to "be there for the big stuff," it just doesn't happen. 

Damn. That hurt. 

Watching that happen to a group of people who already reminded me so much of my extremely close friends group back in SoCal and knowing that the exact same thing has happened to us literally cut my legs out from under me. I lost it. I just cried. And cried. And cried. I could not stop crying. I basically cried myself to sleep. It was just too real. It cut too close to home. How does that happen? How could something so fictional be so real? I know it's crazy, but it hurt. It made me miss those moments. Those times drinking and eating with friends. Those times playing ridiculous games and laughing until we cried. Those innaoropriate jokes that came out of the "family game" or someone always saying the word in catchphrase or reading Cognac exactly how it looks rather than how it is actually pronounced. Those last minute adventures to Disneyland on Election Day to see Ingrid Michaelson. Ditching the second day of stats to go watch the opening night of Monday night football at a bar with a friend. Taking an entire summer off to live and work with 20 strangers who by the end of 6 weeks you are ugly crying while you say goodbye to. 

Does all of that seriously go away when you hit a certain age? Do the people you loved and cared about and were close enough you think of them as family seriously leave your life fovever?

I know everyone thinks your high school friends will be with you forever. I learned really quickly that that is most definitely not the case. Then others say the friends you meet in college will be your lifelong friends; the people you have in your wedding. Well I have been to a few weddings, have yet to be in one and have no plans to be in one anytime in the near future.  I turned 27 the other day and I have to say it's been pretty depressing. 

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for the opportunities I have been given and the path God has put before me as well as the opportunities that God has given my close friends. But there comes a time when you look back and just are overwhelmed with what you have lost along the way. I'm not depressed. I promise. I'm just being honest. I look forward to the future and am beyond blessed by what I have and wouldn't trade it. But part of me, a little part wonders if it all has to end. Where and when does the story end? How I Met Your Mother ended with a new beginning. A story yet to be told. When does my new story begin? And who is gonna tell my kids about how he met their mother? 

[DISCLIAMER: for parents who could read way too much into this... I am fine. Seriously. These are only thoughts that go through my head when I watch television shows on Netflix late at night. Love you and miss you!]

Your Worst Nightmare...

I think I've finally figure out why I have always hated my birthday. Birthdays are seriously an introverts worse nightmare. Being in the spotlight. Not knowing what's coming. The anxiety. The fear. Being the center of attention... Nope. Not about that shiz....

It is nice I will say to be shown love however. I feel beyond blessed to be in a place so far away from my family and friends yet I feel so well taken care of. Tonight the burgs had Sunday night dinner and we celebrated mine and Shari's birthday. Grandma Jackie gave me a reusable grocery bag. Reminded me of the type of thing my grandma used to give me. And then tomorrow I have heard rumors of lots of spoiling from some of my "moms/friends" at work. We'll see what happens...

Still doesn't make the stress and anxiety go away though. I've only cried once so far so we will see how tomorrow goes...

Did You Miss Me???

There is something about being noticed and having someone recognize your efforts that just feels good. Today someone pulled me aside and asked me out for coffee. No not like a date (he is married and 40). This was a coworker of mine who I never really talk to cause he is usually in his own world and I am in mine. We have had a few run ins in which I usually end up feeling like an idiot. He is super sarcastic and his humor is very dry and just sort of makes you feel like crap sometimes. 

But today he came into my room and asked if we could speak privately. He then said that he wanted to maybe meet up for coffee sometime. He realized recently that he has missed me these last few years. Not like miss me cause we don't hang out, but like missed me as a person. Missed me as someone who puts a lot into my job and my kids. Missed me and failed to show and express how much he appreciates my efforts. He said that I wasn't the only one he missed. Another coworker who went to work somewhere else this year was another one who also gave a lot to the school with little acknowledgement. He regrets not seeing him and developing a relationship there and is hoping to do better by me. He realized how valuable I am and doesn't want to miss me in all of the whoopla of the year. Why does something like that make me cry every time? 

While the conversation was really positive and made me feel really good it made me wonder, who have I been missing? Who have I missed in the business of my day? Who have you missed today? 

Linda Mary Andrews

It has been almost 7 months since my grandma Linda passed away and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I think of her kindness and desire for others to know the love of Christ. I think of her faith and the hope that she had that everyone she met would come to know Jesus and the love that comes from knowing Him. I remember the smell of cough drops and menthol. I remember trips to McDonalds and her collections of happy meal toys and those collectors cups that you used to be able to buy (yes... She bought them all... She was kinda a hoarder but we loved her for it). I remember her coffee tables covered with half finished puzzles. I remember her teaching me how to do the puzzles (set up the outside first and then work your way inward) and framing those puzzles and saving them or giving them away as gifts. I remember her strange gifts and the money that would come every year on our birthday (but stopped around age 18... $1 for every year of life). I remember her signing us songs like Bushel and a Peck and The Three Bears. I remember how she treated each and every person who walked into her house like family always introducing herself as grandma.

But what I remember the most is her faith and hope. I don't know if I wrote about this before (although I am pretty sure that I did so forgive me if it is a repeat...), but there was one moment that I think I will remember always. It was shortly after she moved into our house after her memory started to go and she left the stove on while making herself eggs etc (you know... Typical Alzheimer's behavior). She had been with us for almost a month and we had been to doctor after doctor trying to find answers and figure out what it was that was causing all of her problems. She was frustrated and scared and had a really bad day when we finally had to just stop and give it to God. So me, my mom, my dad, and my grandma just spent time praying together. I will never forget what she said. Through her tears she just cried out to God saying "Lord, I don't know what is wrong with me but I trust you. I am so scared. Please help me. But I trust you."  To this day it brings me to tears just thinking of it. I hope and pray that one day I can have faith like that. To be able to cry out to God on the brink of an Alzheimer's diagnosis and still say, "I trust you." 

I miss you grandma. I miss you every day. 

Introvert Probz

I am an introvert! There... I said it...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately over the last few weeks. Wondering why I just don't want to be social or go out. I know what depression feels like and I promise you it is not that. It seriously just takes so much effort to be on. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE hanging out with people. Hanging out and talking or even just listening to close friends or family brings me so much joy. But I can't tell you how great it feels to just sit at home by myself sometimes. Large crowds and spontaneous events with people that I don't know... Ain't nobody got time for that!

What brought this on, you may ask? I read a blog the other day that had a list of 11 things you should know about an introvert. And while all 11 don't totally explain me, I thought I might give you my own list of things you should know. So here it is, 8 things you should know about me (and yes I stole a lot of these from the other blog... I'll be sure to cite my sources for you at the end).

1) I don’t hate being around people, but I probably hate crowds.

I love being with people, but if you drop me into a large crowd I instantly feel like I’m alone and invisible. I try to avoid situations where I feel that way, so I may decline your open invitation to some random event. It doesn’t mean I don’t like to be around you, it just means I like to have more control over my surroundings.

2) I need to recharge alone.
This right here is the cusp of the entire introvert v. extrovert debate (if there is one, anyway) – Introverts need to be alone to recharge. We tend to get completely worn out by socializing. This is basically what it means to be an introvert.

3) I don’t mind silence. 
I can sit beside you in silence and not think we are having a bad time. This is especially true on road trips and can be a little confounding to true extroverts. For this reason, I especially like going to the movies where it is already considered rude to chat. Rule #1 for dealing with introverts – Don’t tell me I’m “too quiet.” I hate that. Sorry I’m making you uncomfortable, but you really don’t get to decide how much I have to talk.

4) I can turn on an extroverted personality when necessary, but it is especially draining.
I have no problem getting up in front of a group of people and giving a talk. I don’t even get nervous by a question and answer period. But – here is the thing – I will need major recharge time afterwards and I won’t be able to keep up this extroverted illusion all day. I can turn it on to dazzle a crowd, but if you take me out for lunch afterwards, I’ll probably just listen to you talk. I am an excellent listener.

5) I secretly love it when you cancel plans.
I like being with you, but finding out I suddenly don’t need to be “on” and it wasn’t actually me that backed out? – priceless! Don’t worry if you have to cancel, I’m probably thrilled to be able to stay in my pajamas.

6) I can get very wrapped up in my own thoughts.
My inner monologue is epic. When you have a strong monologue constantly running in the background, it is pretty easy to settle-in and listen for a while. I have to work through things in my head before I proceed, so I usually need a few minutes. When I’m ready to move forward though, I am 100% on top of it!

7)  I don’t like to hang around.

That time after an event or meeting ends and stragglers hang around to talk – yeah, I know this is the perfect time to make more plans, connect with new people, and get involved with future projects, but I really really really hate this. I’m probably already checking my phone in my car before you have even picked up your purse. Small talk with strangers is my kryptonite.

8) I can be pretty bad at connecting. 

You know when you have had a really bad day and you just want to call up a friend and chat? Yeah, I’m bad at that. I tend to wait for extroverts to reach out and include me, so when the time comes that I need support, I can be a bit lost.

That's it people. Just a few things you should know about me. Please don't take my withdrawal or internal monologue personally or like I am not listening to you. I'm listening. I promise. 

For more information about introverts like me, check out

- http://playfullytacky.com/2014/07/16/things-you-should-know-about-introverts/

- http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/f/introversion.htm

Don't Worry About Tomorrow... Seriously???

"Let ALL that I am wait quietly before God, for my HOPE is in Him.

He ALONE is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will NOT be shaken.

My victory and honor come from God alone. 

He is my refuge, a rock where NO enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in Him at ALL times.

Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our REFUGE."

- Psalms 62:5-8 (emphasis added)

So I have this reacurring dream... I say reacurring because I have had it at least three times this year that I can remember (it very well could be more but I try to block it out). Basically I am dreaming that I am sleeping and I wake up to see the shadow of someone standing over my bed... Terrifying right??? It gets worse... Naturally if you see someone standing over your bed and you are overcome by fear you are going to want to move and fight, but (since I am still dreaming... remember) my body feels like a thousand pounds and I'm paralized and unable to move. So the next logical step is to call out for help... But again that scream only comes out like a wimper... Becuase I'm still dreaming, remember??? I try harder and harder to yell until finally I actually do yell and wake myself from this terrible dream... Until this last time, I wasn't actually sure if I yelled out loud or if I just dreamed that I yelled. But if you ask my roommate, she will tell you that I am actually a freak and I did yell in the middle of the night a little over a week ago.

I told my mom about the dream and the screaming myself awake sort of as a joke. I mean, how many people do you know who have nightmares in which they wake up screaming? I just thought I was a freak. And maybe I am... But my mom, bless her heart, took my dream very seriously and recommended that I start writing down all of the things that are stressing me out. You see, I get really anxious sometimes... Things pop up unexpectedly (like a dead battery, getting my car towed for the 4th time this year, spending WAY too much money on my car... etc) and I internalize every bit of it. Yeah I cry it out (which I did a lot of the day my car broke down which coincidentally was the same night I had my dream...) and I call my dad and ask him for advice, but the amount of stress and anxiety that I internalize may have something to do with why I keep having this strange dream.

So I started writing down my fears and things that cause me stress and anxiety each night before I go to bed. In addition I started a little 7 day devotional about anxiety. With work starting up again and the stresses of that being piled on top of everything else, this study and journal couldn't have come at a better time. We've all read the verses that say trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding... or do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough worry for itself... But how is that even possible? How do we lay down our fears? How do we just stop worrying? Is it even possible? I have a hard time believing that God didn't give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). Maybe He didn't give me a spirit of fear but there are some days where I am really lacking on the power, love, and self-discipline... So what can I do? What can we do to not worry about tomorrow or what's to come?

"Don't worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you WILL expreience God's PEACE, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and recieved from me - everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."

-Philippieans 4:6-8 

PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING! Fix your thoughts of what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Only then will God's peace guard your hearts and minds as you live in Chirst Jesus. That's it. It's that simple. Just pray about everything... I know... Easier said than done right? But it's a place to start...

10 days, no nightmares. Praise Jesus!

What is Church?

I have been asking myself this question lately. Moving to a new city I did the "Good Christian" thing and looked for a new church that I could call home. While I found one that "worked" and got the job done for awhile, I could never shake the feeling of wanting more. Even though it never felt right, I kept going because I know that's what I am 'supposed' to do. I kept going until I moved to the other side of town (well... techinically I guess it was a totally different town) and decided it was too far to go for church. I don't think we are supposed to commute for church, but what do I know...

Anyway... back to my original thought... What is church? How does it work and how do you know when one is being done 'right'? Having taken a hiadous from church for a little while (I go to one BIG church occassionally... I went on Easter and I go sometimes when my students want to go), I have been really trying figure out what I want church to look like for me. I know it is different for everyone but here is what I think church is...

• Church is a big family. 
• Church is a community of people who love each other unconditionally 
• Church is a place lacking in barriers. 
• Church is a place where people are not looked down on because of their age, race, gender, or anything else.
• Church is done during the week in the interactions with those around us. 
• Church, the location and service, is merely a gathering and an opportunity to worship.
• Church isn't just a place or a service but the people who go out into the community and demonstrate Christ's love in their actions.

This is what I want in a church. This is what I am searching for. I have yet to find a church like this in Sacramento, but I am hopeful that I will find one soon. Wish me luck.